Why Keeping Your Mouth Shut is the Best Revenge

While at the bulk nuts section of my favorite specialty grocery store, I was scooping unsalted pepitas in a plastic bag when I heard three consecutive hey yous. I turned around and the guy behind me said  your purse is open and your wallet is about to fall. I looked at my bag and realized he was right. What a nice man I thought. So I quickly closed my purse and thanked him. He responded with a whatever, shook his head and walked away. So, I continued my shopping thankful of the averted pecuniary disaster and headed to the dried fruit section.

The universe synched my fate with this guy once more when we simultaneously reached for the same dried cranberries scooper. I said excuse me and let him go first. He looked at me, rolled his eyes and took the scooper. The rule is ladies first, but I was being a gentlewoman about it. I mean show some grace when someone is being über polite, but I let it go (because of what he did earlier) and waited. But he dilly dallied. Then he turned around and said are you just going to stand there? And I thought well hell yes of course I was until he got his slow as molasses ass out-of-the-way so I can get my turn at the petrified fruit. How rude I thought, but I remembered his good samaritanship and decided to keep my mouth shut … again.

I couldn’t figure him out. Was he nice? Was he a jerk? He had one of those oxymoron personalities. Maybe he was a nice-ass. I don’t know … I was sort of confused, but I saw “clearly” that his fly was open and Mr. Nice-Ass’s schlong was peeking out of his khakis. I sort of just stood there and looked at his limp schlong looking kind of grayish and gross–I don’t know why, but I couldn’t help myself. Then he turned around and thank goodness for quick reflexes as I pretended to scoop spelt flour in a bag and from the corner of my eye I saw him shaking his head … again.

I don’t know what I did to irritate him, but I sure didn’t want to get on his bad side by telling him about his gross anatomy. So I kept my mouth shut and left him and his schlong to roam the freezer section. Here’s hoping some nice chick tells him ’cause it wasn’t going to be this crazy chick.

And how was your day? 

 

 

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

57 Responses to Why Keeping Your Mouth Shut is the Best Revenge

  1. haha very nice! i think it would have been really funny if you actually told him…thanks for posting!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think I was too polite for that … and besides, his schlong probably needed some air … it looked sickly :) Thanks for visiting.

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Sadly, we can be assholes even when doing something nice. I’m sure that, at the moment he spoke to you, he was thinking just how stupid you were in not noticing that your purse was open and your wallet was hanging out…because some of us think you’re dumb for not knowing such things and, well, it figures ’cause y’all all are airheads anyway.

    When you ran into him later, well, excuse my Lithuanian, but in his head, it was, “Oh, it’s that dumb chick!” followed immediately by, “Fuck chivalry – I was here first!” His little pea brain also immediately forgot all about the fact that you were trying to get the same item so, of course, you were going to still be there so his head said, “Fuck, that dumb bitch is still here?” and, of course, he was crude enough to give you the look.

    See, I know women who would have handed him his head like it was a cabbage – but you were nice and polite about it. That you saw his “ugly cock” ’cause his fly was open was just sweet revenge and I know women who would have saw this and, instead of letting someone else embarrass the shit out of him, would have smiled sweetly and said, “You need to put that ugly fucker away before you scare some children…” or something equally scathing.

    But maybe you can answer something for me, if you don’t mind? Why is that when women are interested in our cocks, um, it’s not some ugly, despicable object… but when you’re not happy with us, it is? Care to tackle that one?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @kdaddy23

      I thought that perhaps he thought I was following him around and to clarify, women don’t always notice an open purse. I had thought about those things you mentioned, but even so I believe in being polite (as much as possible) I also believe in KARMA and he got his. I mean why should I tell him to put it away when he can show shoppers just how icky his schlong is?

      Now to answer your question: In my past relationships I’ve been unhappy many times with my men, but I still thought their cocks were awesome … so you see, an ugly schlong is an ugly schlong “up or down.” For the record this is why I avoid dating men with pointy fingers … cause the shape of the digits echo the shape of the schlong (thankfully not the size). And I don’t like pointy.

  3. Hahahahha, serves the grumpy bastard right….

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It does … huh? This is my mums the word works in certain malfunctions …

  4. Karenoia says:

    You must be a hottie as u sure Elicit all the ilicit. He was
    Provoking you all along to look at his gross shlong. Yuck. Well written. But what a gross human. I wish u called the police. Guarantee u he has a long rap sheet for his short shlong. This is karenoia.com btw…….
    Your post made me smile. Roast his pepita.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @karenoia

      lmao … I don’t know about calling the cops. I’m sure he didn’t expose himself on purpose or did he? U R sooooo funny!

  5. Wow what an experience! It’s like this guy is midway between nice and… well a jerk. :S people like that always get me confused.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @evil

      It certainly confused me. But people come in all personality malfunctions … I just need to adjust my thinking so I can deal with them better.

  6. Bothered says:

    Excellent post. Thanks for a good, morning laugh. How old was he? At first I thought he might be a grumpy old man or a younger man training to be one someday. I should know; I’ve been in training to be a grumpy old man for the past ten years. Since you said he was wearing khakis, I’m sure he was just a loser. Grumpy old men only wear bibs or one piece mechanics uniforms, look and act mean, but are nice under their gruff exterior. Somewhere underneath they have hearts of gold, are polite and respectful to ladies and always make sure that their junk is properly secured. They do like to shake their fists, and chase dogs and kids out of their yards, but wouldn’t act like the guy at the store. Take care.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Bothered

      Love your comment. He might have been early 30s. Your comment reminded me of that movie “Grumpy Old Men” with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. If I encounter a couple of dudes like that, then I wouldn’t mind because … you’re right grumpy old men can have hearts of gold.

  7. scrambled7 says:

    Some people are just so hateful and grumbly!
    It would be absolutely EPIC if you would have told him about his gross grey schlong. XD

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @scrambled7

      I think I was too polite … :)

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Ahahahahaha! I think he did expose him self on purpose and was shaking his head because you weren’t giving his bulk nuts any attention.

    But why on earth was he not wearing underwear!?

    My day is that much better after reading this. I was given a work profile on our companys internal intranet and the first thing I did was upload a photograph of myself wearing nothing but a bra…

    I don’t know if the directors will like it but the women in my office certain did.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Pete
      lol What size bra were you wearing? Was the pic only from the waist up?

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I don’t know, I think it was 30 something DD, I was house sitting my friends place and I said I’d only do it if I can wear her underwear and she agreed thinking I was only joking, but then she got the pictures of me wearing her underwear.

        Aye the pic was only from the waste up but I could have put ones on there of me wearing some slinky leopard skin hot pants. :)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Leopard skin hot pants would have been “racier” than the bra … 30 DD? OOOOh mama.

  9. Whoa! This post is, in fact, a perfect reminder of your title’s truths.

    The title actually had me thinking (before I read the post) of how silence really can be more infuriating than words. Four years ago, one of my sister’s dogs bit a neighbor’s (perpetually unsupervised, off leash) dog in their shared, unenclosed back yard. The lady was horrible, just horrible about it, despite the facts (a) she hadn’t been around to mitigate the situation because she was in the house when it occurred and (b) my sister agreed to pay her dog’s vet bills. When she said something a few days later about “those pit bulls,” I couldn’t let her comment go unchecked. I said, “This is not a ‘those pit bulls’ matter. This is a ‘those irresponsible dog owners’ matter and you know it. Abide by leash laws in the future!”

    My brother-in-law (with me at that moment) appreciated my sentiments but understandably wished I hadn’t voiced them. I told him I’d realized as soon as the words were out of my mouth I shouldn’t have said anything (despite the fact we all volunteered at a dog rescue and were faced with all the horrific consequences of peoples’ gut responses to dogs) and that I’d already vowed not to say anything to his generally unpleasant neighbors again.

    That ended up being even better! They tried taunting and goading me, and I’d just grin at them without a word. Hearing them getting more and more aggravated really did feel like sweet revenge! Lesson: learned.

    So that’s what “silence is the best revenge” made me think of. Now it’s going to make me think of encouraging dudes to limit bare-balling when they’ve got tricky zippers!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Deborah

      I’ve heard of “red-winging” and “bare-backing” but not “bare-balling.” Thanks for the info. And regarding your sis and bro-in-law you got em good :) Silence gets under people’s skin and it entertained you as well.

      • One of my exes introduced me to it via the following sentence: “I was a bare-baller for seven years before I found this pair of boxers!”

        Speaking of “silence,” I’d like to mute that memory from my brain now. :D

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          @Deborah

          Consider it muted now … but thanks for the info. You know I just thought of another word for chicks without bras … bare-tittiying … oh my I need more coffee this morning.

  10. well, as you say, he started out well, but then seems to have behaved like a bit of a crackpot. In the circumstances walking away and letting someone else tell him he wasn’t entirely dressed seems to have been a good move.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @countingducks

      I’m more mature now. I couldn’t have done this in my 20s though … this is why I don’t mind getting older and hopefully “wiser.”

  11. Saying nothing is an answer too.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @DaftScots

      It was certainly mine.

  12. zemeraime says:

    Lol,,, You have more restraint than me honey. I have no shame in confrunting people. Thats one good thing coming from a ghetto high school.( I was taught well) :-)
    I can tell just about anyone off where they are left speechless! lol

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Zemeraime

      Ready for my ghetto training whenever you are :)

  13. Tori Nelson says:

    I’ve pretty much never had a wiener. But if I did and it was graying and looking like Death’s little arm, I’d probably be a jerk, too :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ Tori

      Your comment almost made me pmsl. You’re right though if my girly parts were graying … it would sour my disposition.

  14. Cinnamon says:

    Sorry, I would have told him. However, it would have been in my most syrupy sweet voice, and I’d have said, “Hey you, your pants are hanging open and your package of gummy worms is about to fall out”. One good turn deserves another.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ Cinnamon

      lmao on the gummy worms. U R too crazy ….

  15. Perhaps in the freezer section, Mr. Nasty Pants will experience “shrinkage” and the monster will retreat back into his pants so other shoppers don’t have to experience that kind of nasty from his pants.

    Some people are just not nice. You were right to say nothing. It’s my job to be as nice as I can be; the universe takes care of the rest…;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ Lorna

      What you said: “the universe takes care of the rest” is soooooo true. That’s karma …

  16. hollyjb says:

    Why bother helping you out if he was just going to be an ass about it? We’ll never know I guess. Maybe he wanted to be nice, but then when he had to repeat himself 3 times he got annoyed and wish he hadn’t said anything, but then you turned around and he was committed to it. Lol, I would love to have heard what happened when someone finally did telling his nether-parts were coming out of hiding….

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Me too, but I didn’t see him after he went into the freezer aisle …

      • hollyjb says:

        We can’t have it all, lol.

  17. —L.
    I think he wanted you to see his penis hanging out of his pants…that’s what i think. Yuck. x

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @myinnerchick

      one word: blech …. :(

  18. mysterycoach says:

    I think I woulda hadda look at him and say, “Hey you, you’re d**ks hanging out”, and walked away. Please couple that with a look that indicates how uninteresting it is.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @mystery

      you’re a saucy wench … I love it :)

      • mysterycoach says:

        Well ya know… it was nice of him to be so helpful. Right? Why not return the favor LOL :)

        See, to me a spade is a spade. He’s a poopy head. Why ask why, just know … :)

        I remember, this is different, but we had a brown out and the gas station we went to was shut down due to a power outage. So, this guy was there and he was an angry mo’fo. I said quietly to his friend, “he’s angry huh?” LOL And we exchanged the holy crap look between us and then we all got in our cars in search of another gas station.

        We ended up at another one! All of us! And there was angry guy, spewing all this goo out into the parking lot. The other guy helped me with the gas because I pulled in funny, so he pulled the hose thingy across and put it in the car for me. Very nice of him. So, I called over to the angry guy … and I was like, “Hey! (Big smile on my face, do not try this at home) I have two words for you, “anger management’>.. he looks back at me and he says, I TRIED THAT!

        OH MY GOD ! Me and his friend, and then the guy himself… all started laughing. It was so funny, I mean. First there was the look of, OMG did you just say that? To my comment of… “Oh, how’d that work for ya?” We just busted at the seams laughing. Which was cool … :)

        • mysterycoach says:

          p.s. Tone of voice, the expression on our face and over all intent go a very long way in these types of situations. Depends on the person though. :) Kind of like that little guy at my office I wrote about earlier this week.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Angry guy reminds me of Grumpy in “Snow White” sour on the outside, but nice on the inside or at least in angry guy’s case just waiting for a good laugh to set his mood straight :) Nice story …

          • mysterycoach says:

            LOL He was grumpy too :) I think most people are generally nice on the inside it’s just that life and their experiences turned them inside out at some point and time. They either start being honest with themselves OR they keep doing what they’re doing. None of that is under my or your control. Like, ever.

  19. marcialoyd says:

    Sounds to me like he had a split personality! LMAO.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @marica

      Split noodle was right sista CC :)

  20. Whitney Soup says:

    no! you should have pointed and laughed at him! lol

    but i’m sure you left him with many more people to catching a viewing. :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Whitney Soup

      I wanted to give him the opportunity to give other strangers and eyeful :) Thanks for visiting me and I hope to see you again soon :) BTW what are the ingredients for a Whitney Soup … never mind I’ll visit your site and find out :)

  21. amor24 says:

    haha…And who said revenge is best served cold. :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @amor24

      haha well said … very well said :)

  22. Patti Kuche says:

    Letting his little head do the talking and even that didn’t say much by the sounds of it. Or perhaps it said too much. How embarrassing, for everyone.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ Patti

      His little head said that “I’m wrinkly and gray, but I’m not old.” :)

  23. lifeandothermisadventures says:

    Oh, wow, this is amazing. I laughed so hard… thanks for posting!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad to give you a chuckle :)

  24. jezibelle says:

    Aw, give him a break. You’d be in a bad mood if you had a gross, grey schlong too! LOL!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol, I should pity the gross and gray :)

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