Recipes for a Better Life

Detox Cocktail

1 part strength to boot him to the curb

1 part courage to live life alone (for a while)

2 parts hope that you’ll find a good guy–even if it takes years

6 good friends to talk to (optional)

and a whole lot of self-esteem (a must)

Instructions: Take a deep breath and execute the first ingredient as swiftly as you can. Then quickly develop the courage to be alone and blend with hope. Shake it up with some friends and bitch
to them some more about what you should have done ages ago. Now, dust yourself from head to toe with a whole lot of self-esteem.

No Date Cake

1 Internet Connection

1 computer

3-4 hours of Time

A box of Kleenex

Instructions: Combine the first two ingredients. Bake in front of your computer for about 3-4 hours browsing online dating sites. Once you’re done have yourself a good cry because those pathetic losers on the site are what’s out there and aren’t you glad you didn’t join.

Shop When You’re Broke Dumpling

1 awesome event to go to

1 trendy boutique with a good return policy

1 clothes steamer

Instructions: Go to ingredient #2 and choose a cool outfit–price is no issue. Wear the outfit, but keep the tags on and make sure they’re nicely tucked away. Go to the event. Then the next day steam the outfit and return it to the store.

Forget Your Troubles Smoothie

1 early wake up

1 ungodly early meeting

3 unbelievably complex project presentations

1 cheating husband or boyfriend

1 dirty house to clean before visitors arrive

1 trip to Target to buy cleaning supplies

1 trip to the dry cleaners

1 visit from Aunt Flo

1 trip to the DMV

1 trip to the post office

1 trip to the car wash

1 trip to the mechanics to get your oil changed

1 trip to the grocery store

1 dinner with everything made from scratch including dessert

Instructions: Mix all the ingredients together in a blender. Make sure that the husband or boyfriend are thoroughly liquified. Then dump the whole thing in the garbage disposal. Voila your troubles are gone except for Aunt Flo. She escaped the blender and will be around for 3 more days.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

39 Responses to Recipes for a Better Life

  1. totsymae1011 says:

    Very creative. You could get a book out of this.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Totsy. :)

  2. The T says:

    be careful with having more than one detox cocktail, if you have too many, you’ll look at your nightstand and wonder why your halloween supply of chocolate has been eaten in one fail swoop and candy wrappers everywhere…

    be careful with that stuff…. =)

    T.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol … I don’t need to do a detox to eat chocolate. I might have given up meat, but chocs will always be part of my diet plan. Thanks for visiting you pirate :)

  3. I’ve made that smoothie–tastes like crap and you can use it to kill your pesky garden weeds. ;)

    I agree with Totsy, this is Crazy Chic book material!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Lorna. You Crazy Chicks are putting some really interesting ideas in my head :)

  4. Who needs to Detox?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I feel I’m in content need of a detox of another kind. I do have a big jar of self-esteem in my drawer as I find that I’m in constant need of dusting off.

  5. Miss Nae says:

    HAHA! I love this!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ Miss Nae

      Glad you liked it :)

  6. jezibelle says:

    This was part of my wake-up cocktail this morning! Too funny!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Jezibelle

      It’s good to start the day off with a laugh :)

  7. hollyjb says:

    I loved this! Along the same thought train as the others; you could write a ‘How to be a Awesome Crazy Chic!’ guide.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Holly

      You are the 3rd person to say that. Actually there was a night when I was frustrated with my book and I actually wrote the first chapter of a book that is sort of an alter ego of “Lafemmeroar.” Let’s see what happens. I have ADD when it comes to writing … One day I’ll have to do a post on how many books I’ve actually started writing … I could get an award for books I’ve never finished. But I AM DETERMINED to finish the one I’m revising. :)

      • hollyjb says:

        Hey, ADD when it comes to writing could be useful. Like when you finally get the one published (you can’t give up, I won’t let you, you’re stuck with it now!), they’ll want you to write more and you’ll already have started a bunch! See? Awesomeness.

        If you’re determination ever wanes, I will find where you live, fly over there, and knock on our door until you agree to keep going. Assuming I win the lottery of course!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Holly you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met!

          • hollyjb says:

            Aw, thanks! Isn’t it funny that even when I’m not trying to come off as sweet that’s what happens :P.

  8. Divesting ourselves of an unhappy and unproductive relationship that may have deteriorated into beyond unpleasant is wise. It does take courage because we may be so afraid of being alone that we settle for unhappiness over aloneness. I think it is important to understand who we are and how we define ourselves without being contingent on the presence or absence of other people.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Very wise Carl.

  9. Isn’t that so true about the Aunt Flo? UGH! If only she could be dumped down the disposal!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah. But I’d have to go down with her and I’m not ready to be grinded just yet :)

  10. kdaddy23 says:

    You just crack me up…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s ’cause I am cracked :)

  11. mysterycoach says:

    LOL :) This is great! Thank you for the music on my blog honey, that was very thoughtful of you :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You’re welcome. A little sunshine is always good :)

  12. jintaget says:

    Aww, don’t blend in the meal made from scratch… I wanted that part.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah, the grinder had a real feast :)

  13. Aurora says:

    I love this! Please, may I have several daily… LOL LOL LOL Nice work :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m going to do a special recipe in honor of you this weekend … seriously!

  14. Total awesomeness…again…

  15. I could go for a detox cocktail! Would it be wrong to shake one up first thing in the morning? Very fun post!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Detox is good anytime of the day :) Thanks for visiting.

  16. This recipe is a hoot and could be dangerous in the wrong hands

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I never thought about that. Okay readers make sure you use these recipes responsibly :)

  17. Ms. NOYB says:

    Great post! I just made my own formula recently…I think its quite accurate.
    →Dick is connected to brain.→ Brain wants dick to be happy.→ Brain tricks woman into making dick happy. →Brain and dick move on.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol an interesting concoction :)

  18. Shonnie says:

    You are one KAARAAZzY Chhick! :D Loved this post. :D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Shonnie :)

  19. Pingback: Protest Letter from a Blog Reader « Lafemmeroar

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