Holiday Gift Ideas: Taser Gun for Parents
October 11, 2011 50 Comments
Imagine a cherubic face smiling at you or little feet running on a meadow of flowers. They’re always clean, they’re always smiling and playing with such delight.That’s what you see on post cards. This is Fantasy Kid.
There’s another type of child. The kind that cries, the kind with dirty hands and mouth … the kind with wet and stinky tushies.
This kid has pirated the single and free lifestyle. They won’t eat when they should, they wake up when they shouldn’t, and they break things. They can be unruly especially in public places. This is the Real Kid
They’re still beautiful, wonderful creatures but they do have their challenges. They need attention, care and guidance.
There are parents that accept and own their responsibilities. They aren’t perfect, but they understand the sacrifices involved in caring for another human being and in the end the sacrifices turn out to be blessings because they have reared well-behaved individuals.
Then there are parents that seem oblivious to having a kid. They are what behavioral scientists refer to as Parent X. These parents have the tune that kid out strain in their genetic code.
Brain scans of Parent Xs show that the Kidothalamus portion of their noggin becomes dormant in parenthood. The condition is easily remedied with a simple JOLT on the head by the “Noodle Jerker Waker Upper,” a machine invented by a single and loving it chick from Johns Hopkins University.
The procedure instantly awakens this dormant portion of the noodle and enables Parent Xs to remember that they have spawned a child. Treatment is permanent and can be performed in an outpatient clinic. Most HMOs and PPOs cover the cost of the procedure. The problem is that many Parent Xs are in denial. As many as 75% remain untreated.
As a result, there are many neglected children running around like Tasmanian devils and many INNOCENT
singles individuals are suffering as a result. If you don’t think you are a victim of Parent X denial then take this test.
Have you ever had an outfit ruined by a kid who spilled birthday cake on your dress without even so much as a sorry from parents who saw the whole thing?
Has a crying baby ever ruined your movie experience and when you asked the parents to do something about it they told you to “shut up–no talking during the movie”?
Have you ever experienced the sudden appearance of a child sitting next to you while your eating your lunch at a food court and wondered who the little tyke belonged to?
Have you ever gagged at the stench of soiled diapers and wished that the parent take the abominable smell away?
Have you ever wished you were blind at the sight of dried snot and other mystery stains on the face of a child?
Have you ever questioned your sanity when you see that brown stuff in a child’s hand? Is it chocolate or is it poo?
If you’ve said yes to any of these questions, then you are definitely a victim of Parent X denial.
From the manufacturers of “The Lying Ex Eradicator Machine” comes the Parent X Taser Gun (PXTG). This device costs a mere $19.99 and when administered will give a jolt to the noodle of negligent parents; thus activating the dormant Kidothalamus. The effect only lasts for 30 minutes, but it’s enough time to take the “duh I don’t have a kid” out of oblivious parents and make them tend to their child. The device is small enough to fit in a small purse and comes in handy in public places.
Sales for the PXTG have gone through the roof on Amazon and eBay. Major stores such as Target and Wal-Mart will begin carrying the device with a special discount to “single, kid less and loving it” individuals. The PXTG will make excellent holiday gifts.
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© 2011 Lafemmeroar