‘Twas the Night of My Date–Poetic Revenge

‘Twas the night of my date, when all through the house

I ran like a loon while buttoning my blouse

Tucked in my purse was a condom just in case

We ended the night in amorous embrace 

My doubts I kept hidden and snug in my head 

Be positive said all the books I have read 

I sat and waited for his knock on my door

When no one came knocking my heart fell to the floor

Then I heard the phone ring with “the” dreaded call

It was my date saying he’d had a bad fall

I listened as my noodle started thinking 

That something in his words was surely stinking

So I found his address and there was the show 

He was bumping and grinding my friend the ho!

My heart cried a bit but my noodle plotted 

Behind bushes to prevent being spotted

With my cell phone in hand, I focused and clicked

On their nudity a good angle I picked

Then I ran like a stalker back to my car 

Which thankfully was not parked very far

Lafemme, what are you doing my conscience roared

Oh shut up I said because I have grown bored

With taking the licking from god awful schlongs

Who do not think twice when they’re doing their wrongs

To a woman like me with such pure intent

But now is the time for my anger to vent

Back home I distorted and photoshopped pics

I then turned his big schlong into a small dick

Her tummy morphed to a muffin top belly

While a romance movie played on the teli

I finished my “art” of their intimacy

Then I shared it for all of the world to see 

I posted “it” on his Twitter and Facebook

Blimey had I become an Internet crook?

But nothing is vile in equating the wrongs

Of the misdeeds done by a ho and a schlong

I uploaded and clicked the pics in a jiff

Then I sat back and sipped my apéritif

Let it be said never to vex one like me

My noodle will always find vengeance with glee

Thank you technology my weapon of choice

You’ve given my anger ubiquitous voice

In this adventure is how I got even

With a devious schlong named Richard Stevens

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes. Lafemmeroar would never take pics of two people bumping uglies with her phone as she does not yet know how to use that bit of technology even though she’s a photoshop expert. And if she did do such a “misdeed” she would do so anonymously–she’s crazy, but she ain’t STUPID.Any similarity to persons (Dick Richard Steven) living or dead is purely coincidental, but if this has happened to you before and you start getting ideas of revenge, Lafemmeroar is NOT to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, fatalities OR EMBARRASSMENTS that may occur in the enactment of the above post.

Nominated for Best Humor Blog at Bloggers Choice Awards.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

87 Responses to ‘Twas the Night of My Date–Poetic Revenge

  1. mysterycoach says:

    HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!! THAT’S SO FUNNY! lol !

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I aim for your chuckles :)

      • mysterycoach says:

        Chuckles? If Idda been drinking something it would have shot out my nose! LOL :)

  2. Hahahahahahah…excellent!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you. This is how I “whack poetry.” :)

  3. Alfonso L says:

    Being a law student I must say I particularly loved your disclaimer ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Alfonso. I need the disclaimer to protect myself :)

  4. Phil says:

    And I heard her exclaim ‘ere she drove out of sight
    “Happy vengeance is mine! And to them a good fight…”

    With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol Phil. Good addition :)

  5. Dear Lord, how long did this take you? It’s pure genius! :) :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I worked on it on and off for a few days. It was just one of those things that I couldn’t let go of and it was harder to keep the meter consistent.

      • Well you did a masterful job. Bravo, my friend!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Thank you my friend. That means a lot :)

  6. hollyjb says:

    Loved it! Although I think it would have had more of an impact in December, but that’s just me, lol. Awesome a million times over!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Holly. I thought about releasing it in December, but I just couldn’t wait … I’m an impatient crazy chick :)

      • hollyjb says:

        Haha, I can relate. Actually, I kind want to start listening to Christmas music already….but I will hold out till November at least. I have to put together a creepy Halloween playlist to have playing while the little kiddies come to the door for candy…..MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I love Christmas eating–I hate Christmas shopping. This year will be different for me since I haven’t eaten meat in a while. How am I going to stay away from the turkey? I don’t know if I’ll do anything for Halloween. I can’t think of anything scary to write about. “Whacky scary” maybe … let me ruminate :)

          • hollyjb says:

            Oh, I’m sure you’ll think of something. I don’t think I could ever live my entire life (or really any lengthy stretch of time) w/o meat – I’m totally a carnivore :D. I like eggs and peanut butter….but not that much, lol.

            ps. I do know there are other sources of protein out there :P

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              I still eat dairy (yogurt and I love cheese platters) and eggs. I just haven’t touched beef, pork or chicken. I still eat fish though. So I’m not a vegetarian. I have learned to make seitan, which is a good meat substitute for me. I also haven’t had fast food or potato chips (sniff sniff–I love my chips). I still eat a ton though only now my tons of food are healthier. I knew I could never go on a diet, but I had to change something.

              • hollyjb says:

                Hey! That’s good! I mean, I eat a lot, it’s just bad stuff. You have to find a balance. It sounds like you’ve found one that works for you. I think the most important thing is that you enjoy what you’re eating. And if you can make healthy food super enjoyable even better! I know it is enjoyable, it’s just a lot of us have been tricked by ‘fake’ food so now our taste buds are all messed up, lol.

  7. totsymae1011 says:

    You put some time into that. My goodness, I’m glad to be a female after reading this. Although you haven’t acted on this, some women have. That’s a lot of energy to be using on some chap.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I guess for some wronged women–it’s energy well spent lol. The edits to stay consistent in the meter took time, which is why I worked on it for a few days. I have ADD when it comes to writing my posts. I tend to squeeze them in between other projects/writing/ work. Thanks for the visit Totsy :)

  8. Zoe @ Pantry and Fridge says:

    ….and you’re a poet?
    Niiiiiiiiice :D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      A “Whacky Poet” :)

  9. SilentMyth says:

    Ahhhh.. Lovely and as usual it cracked me up.. I have to admit here i was a little disappointed when i got to the part where you have put the disclaimer. You almost made me believe you =P

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That is why I include the disclaimer :) I can say “gotcha” in the end. I’m glad to crack you up :)

  10. Aneesa says:

    Hahahahaha you are so wicked ;)

    The disclaimer funny ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I have my moments of wickedness :) Glad you enjoyed the post :)

  11. A Life Less Boring says:

    Very very funny!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you :)

  12. stevebetz says:

    Seems like you’re getting into the holiday spirit!

    Though what holiday I’m not particularly sure… :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m declaring it National Digital Revenge Day :)

  13. molly says:

    A touch of rock ‘n roll poetry with a dollop of humour and a flick of revenge theme – good pace too, cheers catchul8r molly,

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Molly. I hadn’t considered touching on the rock ‘n roll when writing this “whacky poem.” Glad you stopped by … hope you come back soon.

  14. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Absolutely brilliant, I love it, and I love the disclaimer as well, good thinking. :lol:

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Mags. I always need to protect myself when it comes to these revenge posts :)

  15. The next time someone has done me wrong, I’m calling you!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m available for consultations :)

  16. Bravo on rhyming aperitif! Maybe mental vengeance could become a new healing art, we can offer classes as alternatives to yoga

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think you’re onto something there. It’s not a crime if we only think about it right?

  17. Bodhirose says:

    I love your whacky poem–you are brilliant! I know where to come to get my endorphins pumping! xoxo

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Come over anytime you want a chuckle :) You know what they say … a chuckle a day keeps the blues at bay :)

  18. sami116 says:

    HAHAHAHA!! Usually when I see something soo good my mind often makes comparison with other established people in the same field but when I read this there was nothing to compare with. You’re in a class of your own Lafemme :D

    PS: I like how EMBARRASSMENTs featured on to that post, if you get what I mean. ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol sami. When the powers that be created me, they broke the mold … rather I broke it trying to get the hell out as I’m claustrophobic.

      • mysterycoach says:

        I’m claustrophobic myself. Ever get stuck in an elevator? I have… I was chattering away the whole time because it was better than freaking out. LOL :) Nope, none of the chatter made any sense whatsoever.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I don’t mind if I know I’ll only be there for a very short time. So elevators when I’m alone is ok, but if we’re packed like sardines–Oh no, my breath begins to quicken ….

          • hollyjb says:

            You would have liked the elevator in the music department at my university – big enough for a baby grand piano! And actually, if you took off the legs I’m pretty sure you could fit a full grand in there….I’m almost positive they had one on one of the floors…..

            Also, lots of percussion instruments. And a lot of people.

            When I was in Brussels once I was at the Musical Instruments Museum with a couple of friends and we piled on the teeny elevator to go to the roof. Then it stopped. We thought we were too heavy, but then were all, no, there’s not that many people, it’s just the two strollers that are taking up all the space. The cool thing is the entire elevator was glass so we could see out. Turns out, we were over the red lines by the door. As soon as we squished a little closer it started moving again. We weren’t the only ones to make it stop that day, lol.

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              I didn’t know there was a line you couldn’t cross in the elevator! I learn something new from crazy chicks everyday :)

              • hollyjb says:

                I don’t know about all elevators, but there were with this one. It was old school. ^_^

  19. I was laughing by the force line and laughing and wincing by the end. That was great

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      A laugh and a wince–not a bad combo :)

  20. I will admit I was a little disappointment when I realized I wasn’t going to see the work of art :) Oh well, thank you for the clever and very funny poem.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you enjoyed even without my “work of malice.” :)

  21. a holiday howl!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      And some people do howl instead of cheer that time of year :)

  22. I loved it, now that’s the sort of poetry i like , something with a good story, just like mine :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks. I guess I’m in poetry mode this week as I’m working on another “whacky poem” :)

  23. munchow says:

    I really like this poet, the everyday look at life. And with such wit. Fun all the way to the end, and very well written.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you. More “whacky poetry” to come with a Halloween twist.

  24. Aurora, HSP says:

    ROTF LMBO again and again LOL

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s what I like to hear from you crazy chick :)

  25. zemeraime says:

    Lol!! I love it!
    Brilliant

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you zeeraime :)

  26. Cinnamon says:

    PURE ART. I loved it. (Of course I now have the rythmn to ‘Twas the night before Christmas” stuck in my head….thank you very much. LOL

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It is catchy isn’t it? It’s so catchy that I’m doing a Halloween version for the next post :)

  27. Anna says:

    Ha, that was really good! :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Anna for reading and visiting my crazy blog. :)

  28. souldipper says:

    Confession as I eagerly read the poem – she’s going to post this and it’s going to be the wrong house! Fun fiction, La Femme!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Fun fiction that could be a new genre! Thanks souldipper :)

  29. PD Williams says:

    I’m STILL laughing! You are SO vicious!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Wait for the next one :)

  30. The Hook says:

    Remind me not to piss you off….

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OMG Hook, so many people has said that to me. Do I sound mean?

  31. alanschuyler says:

    My new favorite line of all time:
    “Of the misdeeds done by a ho and a schlong”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You know I love the beat of that line too. It’s funny how the best lines takes seconds to write and the rest is like an ant giving birth to a watermelon.

  32. I was going to ask if this actually happened before I read your disclaimer! LOL
    No guy better mess with you!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think this is why I don’t have one :)

  33. starvingartist45 says:

    Powerful!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you for visiting :) C U soon …

  34. coupletastic says:

    Hilarious! I love your blog!!
    Kristin
    http://www.coupletastic.com

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank for visiting. I’m so glad to you liked my “whacky poem” :)

  35. amor24 says:

    They need to make a ‘love’ button as well because I LOVED this post! My Crazy Ass Chick :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @amor24

      And giving you some digital love back mmmmmwwaaaahhh!!!!! :)

  36. ericmvogt says:

    Bahahahahahahah (still laughing, not enough bahas on my phone! ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Lol! I’m gonna follow you! :)

      • ericmvogt says:

        Oh, yes, this is how we Met, Noodles! Awwwww. It’s like forgetting your first date. Let me shield my schlong! ;)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          My whacker will penetrate through anything!

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