From Hell to Pleasure–A Poem


Oh no! Save me!

 

Twas all Hallows Eve and all through the house

I heard creepy noises could it be a mouse?

I checked all the rooms and down through the hall

Then I heard it tap tapping right through the wall

My heart filled with fright and I ran to the door

Ready to scream then I tripped on the floor

I lifted my head and out came a creature

It looked like a monster from some sci-fi feature

His head had two horns that twirled here and there

With fury he said you’re going nowhere

In fear I stood up and begged for my life

He laughed at my words and said you are my wife

I looked at my hand and lo’ there’s the band

Was I truly wed-locked here in crazy land? 

A Sasquatch I married his body hirsute

His temper is fully that of a brute

How could I say yes to a creature so ghoulish?

Then I remembered when I was so foolish

In love and enthralled I fell under his spell

That’s when my life went from heaven to hell 

He yelled fix my dinner I’m hungry tonight

I ran to the kitchen to get out of sight

So frightened and scared I started to chop

My tears trickled down for my life was a flop

His sinister voice screamed hurry you wench

And bring me some ale for my thirst needs to quench

I moved like a drone; his own private slave

Maybe I’m dead and entombed in this grave?

Then my noodle burst forth a flicker of life

I looked at my hand where I held the knife

I then gave my monster his ale and his schnitzel

Then I attacked the inglorious weasel

My feet shuffled fast then my knife whacked a horn

He wept and he pleaded; please spare me your scorn

In frenzied delight I whacked, whacked and whacked

When my eye saw his schlong I was taken a back

For I did not recall it being so long

A great big idea from my mind grew strong

I told him to sit his ass on the couch 

From this day on you’ll stop being a grouch

Our fates will now change; from now on I lead

And I’ll use your schlong to service my need

First you will change from monster to hunk

Your temper no longer be that of a punk

In silence he sat; his eyes full of wonder

At who he treated with such shameless blunder

The doctor I called for a surgical request

For my husband I said at his own bequest

A cut here and there and electrolysis

Thus began his long due metamorphosis

Now I’m happy; I’m a chick in control

Of her “bound” husband the once monstrous troll

Now he’s transformed into an obedient toy

Through sheer cunning of this crazy chick’s ploy

In fear he works nightly to pleasure his wife

This is his sentence for the rest of his life

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes. Lafemmeroar is not married and the only monsters and trolls she knows are her exes. Wives or girlfriends reading this post should not get any funny ideas about whacking horns with a knife. Horns are hard and they are best whacked with a power tool.  Any similarity to monsters and trolls living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is NOT to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the enactment of the above post.

Nominated for Best Humor Blog at Bloggers Choice Awards. Please vote.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

56 Responses to From Hell to Pleasure–A Poem

  1. Ugly Shoelace says:

    Hahah!!!! I say he deserved it. Ha!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think so too even though it’s just imaginary :)

  2. Xehraaa says:

    Your noodles are totally high on something lately :p Give me one dose of that and I shall survive Le Exams. Oh btw when I voted for ur blog, there came an unholy error. :s

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You can have a bit of noodle anytime. And thanks for voting :) I hope it went through. Still it’s the effort that counts and for that I’m grateful :)

  3. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    That was great, a perfect poem coming up to Halloween. :D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It was a little “Helloweenie” no pumpkins though :) Thanks …

  4. hollyjb says:

    Hahahaha, awesome!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Holly, a hahaha from you always brings a smile to my face :)

  5. The Hook says:

    I can see why you were nominated! Great work!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw thanks Hook :) So sweet.

  6. Hmmm, Now he’s transformed into an obedient toy. luv this one thanks for making me laugh great article indeed :p :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It’s important to get a good laugh on Mondays :)

      • hmmmmm :)

  7. Phil says:

    Huh! Who’s your Mistress now, monster?!?! :)

    Frighteningly delightful.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Phil, you got the gist of the poem :)

  8. Must have been a huge Halloweenie. And I love the self-improvement tag

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think whacking horns is part of self-improvement :)

  9. wow
    u cud actually write a children’s book of rhymes, after some censoring off course

    I don’t think any one has ever used the word hirsut in a poem before
    or electrolysis for tht matter

    cheers!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I try to vary my vocal :)

  10. Aneesa says:

    oh lol these posts of your are getting funnier and funnier and i look forward to the disclaimer even more… keep it up :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Aneesa. I’ll try to keep up the chuckles :) Hope readers are this nice when/if I publish my book :)

      • hollyjb says:

        *When* L, *when*. ;).

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          You’ll be the first to know … if it happens lol

  11. Phil's Lounge says:

    Lol!
    I don’t know whether to be amazed or scared….
    But I will be back to read some more. ;-)
    Please ‘serviced lady’ may I add you Blog to my list?

    • Phil's Lounge says:

      “your Blog”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Absolutely. I’d be honored to be included in your list :)

  12. You, my friend are on one major roll. I bow to the queen of verse! :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The Queen of “Whacky Verse” I did add a Poetry page so readers can see the other poems I’ve written. I just have more fun with the humorous one because they’re easier to write. One day I’m going to write a super serious one! Thanks again Lorna :)

  13. Oh my! Two hilarious poems back to back done like Twas the night before Christmas…you are truly creative AND funny! :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Sharon :) Glad you got a chuckle out of it :)

  14. —Dear, L.

    You. Are. A. True. Poet. :)))) haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol Thank you. My noodle just can’t stop with the revenge rhymes — :)

  15. SilentMyth says:

    Your noodle is just so awesome for giving us things like that to read. This was Brilliant.. =)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw thank you. I’m here to entertain … glad you enjoyed it :)

  16. Excellent. Full of good stuff. I must be careful how I behave around you

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol I’m not that bad …. or am I? :)

  17. Aurora, HSP says:

    No. You are not bad. Well if you are it’s in a good way… LOL… but what would I know, love your mind. And your Night before Hallowe’en poetry. You are on a roll, LFR! LMAO

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      For some reason I’m into the rhyming mode. I loosely call it poetry. The next post about writing will rhyme as well … :)

  18. molly says:

    It’s a case of ‘make haste, secrete the family jewels, Lafemmeroar is on da loose!’ cheers catchul8r molly

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      i am on the loose rhyming with posts. Wait for the next one :)

  19. You are bad. By the way, what kind of knife did you use? It would make a great info-mercial.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It was manufactured by a company called Hatchetville and it was your basic butcher’s knife :) Oh I can see the infomercial know.

      “This knife is so sharp it even cuts those nasty monster horns in a jiffy …”

  20. sounds like a win/win

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It certainly is for the wife :P

  21. Bodhirose says:

    For a second there, I thought for sure his schlong was going to be a goner! But no, you transformed him to be your sexy boy toy–yay for you!!

    This is great, Laf!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I like the twist endings :)

  22. Pingback: Protest Letter from a Blog Reader « Lafemmeroar

  23. Loved. Every. Word.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      And I loved writing every word of it :) So glad you liked it!!!!

  24. ericmvogt says:

    You have hit my tickle button! :-D And I get the moral (I use this term loosely): Some schlongs are worth saving. Very liberal of you, lemme! Roflmao!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw Eric! You have truly made my Saturday afternoon. Here I am baking cookies and trying to figure out code on one my badge buttons and I see your comment :) You are truly a schlong worth saving :)

      • ericmvogt says:

        I have numerous exes with axes who likely follow your blog and would take exception to your analysis, but thank you! ;)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          LOL!

          • ericmvogt says:

            Oh, yes, I remember this one! You are such a hoot, Noodles! :)

  25. 10000movies says:

    You were truly inspired when you wrote this :)))

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I was!

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