Trash Talk in Relationships

The Courting Phase:

Setting: Her apartment.

Time: The first date.

Him: Wow. You look great.

Her: Thanks. Give me a sec. I just need to throw out the trash then we can go.

Him: I’ll do that.

Her: Really? Are you sure?

Him: I don’t mind.

Her: How sweet.

Him: Anytime.

The Relationship Phase:

Setting: The kitchen of their apartment

Time: Morning

She’s making breakfast and he’s reading the papers.

Her: Do you smell something funny?

Him: No. Just your cooking.

Her: I think it’s the trash. Did you throw it out?

Him: (sighs) I forgot. (mumbles to himself) Why can’t she do it once in a while.

She: What did you say?

Him: Nothing honey.

She walks to the table and looks at him.

Him: (He knows he’s not getting any food until the trash is out.) Alright, I’ll do it now.

The Marriage Phase:

Setting: Their house

Time: Dinner

Him: What’s for dinner?

Her: Meatloaf.

Him: By the way, did you do my laundry?

Her: Yes. Did you take out the trash?

Him: I’ll do it after dinner.

Her: I got your laundry done before dinner. Why can’t you do the same?

Silence.

Her: Well?

Him: Well what?

Her: Trash now!

HIm: (Gives her a nasty look) Food now.

Her: (Pouts) After you throw out the trash.

Him: Like I said, I’ll do it after dinner.

Her: Well you’re not getting your dinner until the trash is out.

Him: I want my meatloaf now-bitch!

Her: You want your meatloaf? (She goes to the kitchen. Brings out the meatloaf.) You want this?

Him: Yeah I want it now.

Her: You got it. (Goes back in the kitchen and dumps the meatloaf in the trash.) Come and get it!!!

The Divorce Phase: 

Setting: Lawyer’s office

Time: Doom’s day

Her: You lazy no good failure.

Him: You nagging shrew.

Her: I can’t wait to get rid of you and get a real man.

Him: A real man wouldn’t want you–you ice bitch.

Her: I’m keeping the house.

Him: Step one foot in there and I’ll throw you out.

Her: Step one foot in MY house and I’ll have the cops throw YOU out.

Him: I should have left you a long time ago.

Her: You earth worm.

He grabs her neck. She bitch slaps him. They’re rolling on the floor.

(Lawyer calls security.)

Lawyer: Yes, I need a couple of clients thrown out please.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

69 Responses to Trash Talk in Relationships

  1. Zoe @ Pantry and Fridge says:

    Sounds ever so familiar (not recently, thank god) :))
    Thanks for helping me rember why I have gone thru and terminated 3 marriages! :D
    Never to marry no more…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Zoe

      Divorce gives people a second chance and a third, fourth, fifth, sixth …. never give up on love. Being single and in love is a good way to be :)

      • Anonymous Coward (guy) says:

        As funny as it is sad. I’ve recently read “Mars & Venus on a date” by John Gray. He’s spent the better part of 12 years analyzing how couples miscommunicate. By simply saying things differently you can turn a demanding relationship into a fulfilling one… it’s amazing,. it should be required reading in high school. Perhaps here would be a good place to post a link so people could at least know that they have a choice in educating themselves on properly communicating with the opposite sex.

  2. Awesome

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Gillian :)

  3. jules says:

    haaaa haaa! I’ve yet to encouter a proper relationship, but I just hope it doesn’t end out that way!!! :/
    I’d much rather do the cooking (vegetarian, of course – I’m a crap cook when it comes to meat; plus I hate animals being slaughtered) and take out the rubbish myself. Just saves aggro. Jus’ saying….

    Jules

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ Jules
      Not all relationships go the dumpster way … I hope you find your true partner in life :) I hate taking out the trash too …

  4. Pingback: ♡ The Tale Of My Heart ♡

  5. So on target …. great description sprinkled with humor.
    Very nice ….

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Isadora. I’ve never been married, but I have lots of friends who have … :)

  6. totsymae1011 says:

    Yep, that sounds about right. Do one where they go to counseling. That would be interesting. :-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OMG Totsy I started a post about a couple in counseling, then I got side-tracked. I’ll have to finish it then just for you :)

  7. zemeraime says:

    OMG! Lol
    Funny as hell. My fav part was tossing his dinner in the trash,, I have done that. :-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      What did you make that day?

      • April says:

        I made Chicken Marsala,, his fav,,, he had to get a burger that night,, and I refused to cook the rest of that week. lol I was a bitch. lol But now we’re divorced and never been happier

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          @April

          Like I said divorce doesn’t have to be a tragedy. It’s a beginning of something wonderful.

  8. zumpoems says:

    5 stars plus!!! This is superb! Very funny and so insightful!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks zumpoems! I try for the chuckles and when something is insightful that’s a definite bonus for me ’cause it’s purely accidental :P

  9. Post Divorce Phase: Letter from her attorney. Keerist. The kids are 27 and 29 and the divorce was in 1984.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ha ha Carl that would also make a good sequel to this.

  10. PD Williams says:

    Gee, that doesn’t sound familiar at all ;-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Are you sure PD? lol

  11. renxkyoko says:

    Kratossssssss! ! I ‘m digging your new avatar !

    The reblog….. I’d be LOLing if it wasn’t so tragic…. love gone down the drain. Sad. All the same, it is hilarious !

    Cheers !

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      “Love gone down the drain” would have been a real good title :)

  12. mysterycoach says:

    oooh sh** ! LOL :) That is so wrong and so funny!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      In our world– wrong is funny :)

  13. Sounds like you’ve been through these conversations. I’ve been through similar ones! ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve never called a guy an earth worm though :) Thanks for the visit Lorna.

  14. eva626 says:

    o0o this scares me lol

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ Eva

      I think I’m going to write a sequel to this post :)

  15. jezibelle says:

    Most of it sounds familiar, except the divorce part. HIS part was pretty accurate, but MY part was more like this:

    Judge: It is so ordered. (gavel bangs)

    Me: Hallelujah! Margaritas on the house!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad it worked out for you! :) I think more women would like the gavel bang on their side.

  16. Whiplash from life. Hard not to get discouraged, but march on….with a giggle.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah. Divorce is a second chance as I say. Marching on and giggling is the only way to be in this crazy world.

  17. Bothered says:

    That was really funny. Probably more so, because as I was reading this, I remembered that I forgot to take out the trash.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Bothered

      Aha, I not only give chuckles but reminders as well. That’s my good deed for the day :)

  18. Fox@n says:

    very funny lol. this happens at home but with siblings . I mean they always tell me to do it for a Looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg time cant they just throw it out instead of wasting their time over and over? great job

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Fox. If they want something done, they just have to do it themselves lol :)

  19. God I miss love……… Oy!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Love can be rewarding, exciting, fulfilling and trashy … which part do you miss? :)

      • Certainly not the trash part – I’m doing fine getting mine out and to the curb without anyone’s help. But yes, a hefty dose of excitement and butterflies could do this girl good….

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Oh I could use some excitement and butterflies myself :)

  20. LOL! Too funny!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you liked it :)

  21. Aurora, HSP says:

    Excitement and butterflies… ummmm… methinks thee speak of fairy tales… LOL LOL

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I can dream … :)

  22. Phil says:

    So… I’m guessing now would not be a good time to ask what’s for dinner?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That depends … have you thrashed the trash? :P

  23. jennygoth says:

    doesnt happen if your with the right one lol its just finding the right one after you throw all the trash out xxjen

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Absolutely! And I’m a big time “cleaner.” :)

  24. tamariez says:

    haha I think it’s pretty funny.. although it’s pretty realistic to a lot of friend’s relationships I see.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The hilarity of reality … as I always say :)

  25. Phil's Lounge says:

    Hi Lafem,
    I see the funny side to but sadly it is all too often the painful reality.
    (sighs…and shakes his head….)

    Hope all is well honey…
    I’ll be back. ;-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The funny and the sad … such is life. See you soon Phil :)

  26. mooselicker says:

    Hahahaha that was great punch at the end. Coming from divorced parents, I know that all too well. Especially that last part about the lawyers. It almost got my parents back together with their hatred for lawyers.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Mooselicker–glad you identified with this whacky post. I’m inspired to do a sequel to this post :)

  27. hollyjb says:

    While I have no experience with that in terms of a romantic relationship I think my mother feels like that all the time, lol. Oh man. I laughed. Out loud. :D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It is my hope that readers either identify with posts or reminds them of people they know :)

      • hollyjb says:

        ^_^

  28. amor24 says:

    The Courting and Relationship Phases: We are so naive during those phases. We only see all the glowing perfections in the woman and vice-verse and ignore the IMPERFECTIONS. Then when we enter the Marriage Phase, then we start to get annoyed by the imperfections that we ignored :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yes we truly are Amor, but I think the relationship phase gives us a hint, but we go on to marriage anyway. Of course this is all hypothetical for me … I’m still a single girl. :)

      • amor24 says:

        A woman of your caliber. That’s a grave injustice :)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I’m working on balancing the scales Amor :)

  29. Monica says:

    I love this, Lafemmeroar!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you very much Monica. I’m always glad to know that someone out there appreciates this little blog of mine :)

  30. missmoots says:

    great one……keep up your good entry…lovin’ it <3

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Missmoots. I’ll try my best to keep you entertained and chuckling at the malfunction of the universe. :)

  31. Viv says:

    HILARIOUS!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you liked it Viv! You crazy chick :)

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