Protest Letter from a Blog Reader
November 11, 2011 79 Comments
I got this email from a reader and I thought I’d share it with you:
I’ve been perusing your blog and noticed your posts about schlongs. You seem obsessed with this body part. Are you just angry at the schlong population in general or do you have penis envy? What’s all this whacking of schlongs in some of your poems? And what’s up with your recipes anyway? You’re not a cook. I haven’t seen one single recipe in your site that one can actually eat unless they’re cannibals. Imagine the consequences if the wrong person read your recipe on “How to Make a Human Burrito.” And for the record my ex-girlfriend read your Detox Recipe and now I’m homeless. In fact I had to sweet talk a chick into borrowing her laptop so I can write you this email. Despite your disclaimers “some people” actually believe what you write to be true and they actually do it. This is a plea to ease on the schlong posts. We’re not that bad.
Dick Head Richard,
I don’t have anything against schlongs. In fact some of my favorite people have schlongs. Just check out my B.A.D. Club and you’ll see that these dudes are totally awesome, smart and funny. I do not have penis envy–the last thing I want to be is a schlong. I love men and I’ve even written Santa to send me one for Christmas.
My disclaimers are air tight and legally proofed by my attorney–who is a schlong BTW.
I’m sorry that your ex kicked you to the curb. I hope you have some place warm to stay since tis the season of rain and snow. I do have to commend you on your ingenuity for sweet talking a chick out of her laptop. Do you still have it?
To make amends on your homeless situation I would like to offer you accommodations at my humble abode where it’s warm, fresh bread is baked daily (I’m a baker) and you’re guaranteed three square meals a day. If you’re interested my address is:
666 Sweetheart Lane, Apt. #69
I knew that you were a reasonable girl. And I do still have the lap top because I’ve borrowed it indefinitely so I can check my
porn email. I’ve been staying with a female friend and she got angry when she saw me banging her sister on the couch. So I gladly accept your invitation.
I’ve map quested your address and if I steal her car I should be there by tomorrow. And tell Santa that you won’t need that man for Christmas ’cause I’m on my way to you baby.
See you soon,
I can’t wait to see you. And to show you that I’ve seen the error of my ways, I will ease up on the schlong posts. My next post will be dedicated to you. But I’ll need your help in writing it. So hurry up and steal that car so you can get here as fast as you can.
(Note to readers: Stay tuned for my next post: Spicy Schlong Sausage Recipe)
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