Secrets about Turkeys Revealed

It’s that time of year when turkeys are served to carnivores who will stuff themselves to the point of needing a good nap.

Before they’re roasted, deep fried, trussed and dressed these big birds make a pilgrimage to the Fowl Capital of the World–Fowlutopia home of the St. Cluck Cathedral, a place where turkeys who want to go to Fowl Heaven will confess and be absolved of their sins.

Father Jack Turkey (FJT) who has been listening to turkey confessions is breaking his silence. What Father Jack Turkey knows about his own kind has been kept a secret from the human population but I’ve got the exclusive interview here:

Lafemme: You were recently involved in a scandal that caused your removal from St. Cluck. Can you tell us about that?

FJT: I was caught cross-species fornicating with a chicken. There’s a chicken coop next to St. Cluck Cathedral and a chickadee enticed me. It’s not natural to be abstinent so it’s just as well that St. Clucks has let me go. At least I didn’t commit a Turducken.

Lafemme: What’s a turducken?

FJT: That’s a threesome between a turkey, a chicken and a duck. How do you think Paula Deen came up with the recipe? Chefs around the world love going to Fowlutopia and she spied on a Turducken happening behind the bushes at the dairy farm.

Lafemme: What other naughty turkey news can you share?

FJT: There are lots of Eggophelia going on. That’s when a turkey steals turkey eggs. It’s a rampant fetish among the turkey population.

Lafemme: And what do the turkeys do with the eggs?

FJT: Sitting on eggs gets them in the mood to gobble and cockle.

Lafemme: Do you believe that eating a turkey can make one sleepy?

FJT: Absolutely. We had a grain and nut shortage here about ten years ago. The whole town was starving so some heathen turkeys took it upon themselves to eat other turkeys. A confessor once told me that if two-legged folks can eat us then we must taste pretty good. So there was rampant turkey cannibalism going on.

Lafemme: But what do turkeys eating other turkeys have to do with sleepiness? 

FJT: Well the “turkeynibals” were all taking really long naps in the afternoons, which made the Chief of Turkey Police suspicious and sure enough the dozers were the ones eating the other turkeys because a bunch of them were caught sleeping by the pond next to bits and pieces of fire-roasted turkey. Plus, the perpetrators had “wild turkey breath” which was the true giveaway of their guilt.

Lafemme: What was the sickest turkey confession you’ve ever heard?

FJT: This one is more sad than it is sick. A young turkey once confessed that he fell in love with a stuffed turkey.

Lafemme: By stuffed do you mean he fell in love with a roasted turkey?

FJT: No he fell in love with a turkey that had been stuffed by a taxidermist. It was a case of turknecrophelia. It’s rare but it happens.

Lafemme: Well that is disturbing.

FJT: This young turkey began to stalk the object of his affection and when the feelings weren’t returned he committed turkeycide.

Lafemme: Oh that is sad.

FJT: The taxidermist found him, stuffed him and now he’s displayed with his loved one at the Gobbledegook Museum.

Lafemme: What is the biggest misconception humans have about turkeys?

FJT: People think we’re dumb. We’re not dumb. Think about this–chickens and ducks get eaten all throughout the year. At least we’re smart enough to limit human consumption of our species to once a year. We only have to worry about you folks on holidays.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar