How Sex Can Ruin You

How Sex Can Ruin You

Wikimedia Commons -originally posted to Flickr as Love in Wiesbaden-Jacob Appelbaum

We all want it. Even when we don’t have anyone to do it with we want it even more. Yes … SEX … that yearning … that itch that needs to be scratched.

That old adage that masturbation is sex with someone “I” love is true. I love me, but sometimes I want someone (that doesn’t require batteries) to “love” me. But I’m not the casual sex type even though my noodle has truly freaky sexy scenarios going on 24/7. But fantasy only goes so far. Even real vanilla sex is more scintillating than the imagined kind.

But I do have a problem. I”m a ruminator when it comes to doing the “good deed.” I think about it so much that I talk myself out of it.

I think about how casual sex has ruined (permanently or temporarily) the lives of people I know. I’ve heard of fools for love, but what about fools for sex?

I mean imagine this dudes and femmes:

♦ Get into the wrong chick and you can have a “chickastalkarazzi” on your hands.

♦ The morning after can turn into a horror show when you wake up next to someone who looks like a chupacabra. The truth of the morning light can turn a night of bliss into a morning of head scratching as you think to yourself “did I actually exchange bodily fluids with that?”

♦ A rogue sperm can turn you into a regretful daddy. Say goodbye to disposable income and say hello to child support.

♦ Shotgun weddings still happen somewhere out there in the backwoods … Is a shaky “I do” is better than a shot to the head?

♦ There’s angry sex and there’s revenge sex. Revenge sex is when the wronged party cuts out your schlong after you’ve given her a happy ending.

♦ Have sex with an exhibitionist and find your “amateur amorous” coupling online. You’ve become an internet amateur porn star.

♦ Love bites are fine, but what do you do when that crabby itch between your legs lingers long after your lover has gone?

♦ What happens when the stud at the bar is actually a “premie” in the sack?

♦ What do you do when the person you picked up at that bar asks you to pay for your happy ending?

♦ What do you do when you’ve suddenly changed your mind after you’ve taken off your clothes?

Am I too paranoid? Has any of the above happened to you or anyone you know? I need answers … Talk to me :)

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

87 Responses to How Sex Can Ruin You

  1. mooselicker says:

    Yes. You are being paranoid.

    I don’t know anyone who had one of those things happen to them. Everyone I know worries about it though. Throw out your batteries. It’ll limit your options. You have to prepare for the Apocalypse when your only option is sex with a futuristic western outlaw to stay alive.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      What would this futuristic western outlaw look like? :)

      • mooselicker says:

        Dirty hair, unshaven, 90 pounds, hunchbacked, one eye, a club foot. Keep in mind, this is Post-Apocalyptic. He’ll be considered a hunk.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          OMG … I guess he’ll have to do when the end comes :)

  2. hahaha………., Naaa sex never ruine me, I was made for one pupose that was sex and love.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks for the vid. :) This song always gave me a chuckle.

  3. None of those things have happened to me, i have been a one woman man for 46 years :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Awwww that’s so sweet you lucky BAD boy :)

  4. Cinnamon says:

    I agree….throw out the batteries. Get a plug in. They have more power. Mine has 4 forward gears plus reverse !!!

    XOXO

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      LMAO bwahahahahah bwahahahaha Cinnamon!!!!

      • mysterycoach says:

        HAHAHAHA!!!!

  5. kdaddy23 says:

    “What do you do when you’ve suddenly changed your mind after you’ve taken off your clothes?” This one just sucks, doesn’t it?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You inspired that one … :)

      • Viciously Sweet says:

        I would just say “I’ve made a huge mistake,” and leave possibly still naked.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          lol Vicous! Now that’s a quick get away. But what if it’s snowing out? Will grab your galoshes?

  6. patti kuche says:

    Laughing too much to come up with a decent reply . . . I heard an older man in a gay bar say that he doesn’t do sleep-overs. Ever! No spare PJ’s in his drawers! Then there is all the politics of married sex but to answer your question, no, I don’t think you are being too paranoid!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That guy will never have to worry about waking up next to a chupacabra then. Thank Patti :)

  7. totsymae1011 says:

    I really hope you haven’t your mind after the clothes are off. Hmmm…Sticky-wicky situation there, girlie. Like, how much is the pay for an internet porn star? What a brilliant idea…Not for me though…Just inquiring for somebody I know. :-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I don’t know how much one would get, but maybe it’s pay per click? :)

  8. Now we’re talking the good stuff girlie!

    Um, yeah, what about when he takes his clothes off and he’s got bad unders and hair on his back and small package? Um…..hmmmmm – take one for the team in the name of “scratching that itch”…….

    Color me unsatisfied.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh, I just might run for the hills …

  9. There are a lot of men out there who don’t even know what a clit is, let alone, where it is. I have woken up a time or 2 wanting to knaw my arm off the next morning, just so they don’t wake up before I leave or I get up and make a bunch of noise and say I have to go to get them out of my house. Relief is the only feeling I get once they’re gone and I forget to ever return a call or text. After my last big break-up I went on a rampage of men in my new city for about 6 months. Some people would say my past behavior is slutty; I say, if I were a man that thought would never come into thier mind. I use protection, I get tested for everything at the OBGYN every year (how many men can say they get tested on a regular basis), I learn a lot about sex and dating and am damn good in the sack ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Awesome Confession … Single Blonde :) Gnaw my arm off … lmao big time!!!!! You’re crazy :)

    • Yeah, had me some “coyote f***s” in my day…!!!

      • Lafemmeroar says:

        lol!

  10. There is not enough blood reaching the brain during the moment of truth and the time leading up to it to think of adverse possibilities

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Me thinketh too much then? Too much blood on the noodle never gets the sex done … is that it? :)

      • I think it is an evolutionary thing

        not enough blood to be in both places at the same time
        :D

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          “Heads” can’t multi-think :)

  11. All I can say is, I’m soooo happy I’m married.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      A good marriage = A safe haven :)

  12. I am Presbyterian. We cannot talk about the s word. We can talk about it is refers to another s word : “something”. It is like a secret code you can use. You can talk about something with your wife only. Upstairs. With the door closed and locked. Drapes drawn, medium light. It must be between the hours if 10 PM and 5 AM. That’s in the Bible if you don’t believe me. Something must be done quietly. You are not allowed to enjoy something but it is OK to growl and sigh if you are just pretending. The word is used in such fashions as : “Hey, babe, wanna do something? ” “I’d really like to do “something.” “Ya know something’s been on my mind all day.” “Wow that was really something. (Are you sure I’m the first?)” “I’ve been meaning to speak with you about something that happened last night.” “I’ll be home from work early and have something planned.” As that old song goes “This Could be the Start of Something Good”.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Wonderful Carl. We usually just say: I just did “it” … “It” was good … “It” sucked … “It” was too quick … They did “it” … They’re gonna do “it” … As Dickens said “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” and that pretty much sums it up.

      Always love your comments :)

      • Actually, the name of that song is, “This Could Be The Start of Something BIG.” Considering the subject matter, I am chuckling! I’m the wife of a Congregational pastor, and we talk about it all the time, but my Episcopalian parents had very much the same attitude as yours, Carl! Sexily yours, Amy (ha ha)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          You are a hoot Amy :)

    • “Upstairs. With the door closed and locked. Drapes drawn, medium light. It must be between the hours if 10 PM and 5 AM. That’s in the Bible if you don’t believe me.”

      I’d like to know what specific verse says this. Please share.

      “You are not allowed to enjoy something but it is OK to growl and sigh if you are just pretending.”

      This statement disturbs me more than anything. Sorry. You know what they say about opinions!

    • mysterycoach says:

      Holy crap this is so funny… LOL !

  13. Oy, I was lucky. I met and married a man who wanted to know what I wanted and how he could please me before The Big Launch. Your worries above mirror a lot of the concerns I had when I was single, but now I’m so happy, as Diana says, that I’m remarried and we are 100% faithful.

    I do have a caution: Many of the worries above don’t seem to involve condoms. NEVER tell a partner/pickup/try it on for size that you are on The Pill. I had one credo and stuck to it:

    No Raincoat, no “Singin’ in the Rain.” Lost too many friends to AIDS to EVER think of having unprotected sex.

    My gender-queer daughter says the same for lesbian/queer women: Dental Dams.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      What are Dental Dams?

      • Basically, condoms for women… they fit in the mouth and employ latex, like a condom, but it allows for oral sex without exchange of bodily fluids… helps prevent the spread of herpes, HPV, and other orally transmitted diseases.

        If the women are monogamous partners or married and faithful, once both are checked out to be “cootie free,” then they don’t need them. It’s more for casual sex.

        God, who would think a straight mother would be educated by her queer daughter about these things? But hey, I’m a lifelong learner! Amy

  14. Phil says:

    After 31 years of marriage, my wife and I are masters of Oral Sex: We stand at opposite ends of the bed screaming out “F### You!!!” to each other at the top of our lungs for a good half an hour, then exhausted, we drop into the bed and into each others arms to sleep… :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Awwww that’s called “sleep play” more relaxing than foreplay :) Always love your input Phil. :)

    • totsymae1011 says:

      You’re CRAZY!

    • mysterycoach says:

      ROFLMAO!!!! THAT’S SO WRONG!!! lol !!!! Is there a book on this? I’d like to read it. LOL :)

      • Lafemmeroar says:

        Maybe I can self-publish a book on this subject :)

  15. Pingback: In Defense of Casual Sex « The Narcissist's Blog

  16. jakesprinter says:

    I`m glad to know it :)

  17. None of those happened to me but this list really renders sex to be creepy! Doesn’t mean that the yearning will stop ;D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Sexy creepiness … there must be such a thing :) Oh my noodle is thinking evil thoughts again …

  18. Alas, I don’t have much experience in this area… Can’t help you, but kinda wish I could! ;)

  19. Jason says:

    You’re not being too paranoid. I’ve definitely known of some creepy stalker girls that wouldn’t give it up. Very frightening.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Jason and I’m sorry about your creepy stalker girls … :)

  20. There is a wiff of paranoai here but nothing which can’t be sorted out with a good biscuit and a cup of tea. If you’re already undressed just say something like, “Oh no, I;ve run out of shaving foam. I’d better get some”, wink a bit and then make a swift exit. Weirding them out makes sure you won’t get stuck in the same situation twice

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Weirding them out is a good strategy :)

  21. nicole says:

    nooo! we don’t all want it!!! . . . i wrote about my asexualism here! http://nicoleandgwendolyn.com/2011/11/21/alien-sex/.
    please tell me what you think! x

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ll check it out Nicole :)

  22. Aurora, HSP says:

    You roar with such originality, Lafemme, loving the way your mind things, “get into the wrong chick” LOL And scratching that itch already sounds like a disease of some sort, enough to put me off… ah well, I always did want to be a Nun… when I was a teenager thought of it frequently… maybe now’s the time LOL

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I try to roar to the beat of my own noodle Janice. Always love your comments … you crazy chick!

  23. Aurora, HSP says:

    meant “mind thinks” not “mind things” but then again, maybe it was a typo meant to be with your noodle so full of so many things LOL

  24. Amor24 says:

    Stick to the MASTER of BATION. The solution to all problems :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I will Amor :)

  25. Bwahahahahah LOVE LOVE LOVE this one! Keep it coming!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ll definitely keep it coming. Really loving your comments Future :)

  26. theladyinredink says:

    Sure, casual sex can end horribly…but so can not-casual sex. Sex of any kind can be damaging–it’s a risk we run any time we do the deed.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Why is it that what feels sooo good can be so risky? You’re right though …

  27. –O, My,

    I’d hate to be out in the dating world, man….

    I’ve heard some reeeeally freaking things from my single girlfriends!! Xx

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’d love to hear the freaky as a post :)

  28. El Guapo says:

    “The morning after can turn into a horror show when you wake up next to someone who looks like a chupacabra. ”
    or as we said in college, Never went to bed with an ugly chick, but woke up with plenty of ‘em.

    tho I am ridiulously happily married, and enjoy the sex with her more than I did with anyone else when I was younger. And now I know more too!

    bwahahah

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh you’re funny El Guapo … marriage definitely has its perks … I’ll find out for myself someday :) Thanks for discovering my blog :)

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  30. Anne Schilde says:

    I might think you were being a little paranoid here, but at the same time, I’ve had casual sex a whole two times, because I’m really not the casual sex type either. Maybe if the two times had been better… I did have a dream where the amateur internet porn star thing happened. I turned it into one of my short stories in case you want your paranoia reinforced.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’d be interested in reading it :)

      • Anne Schilde says:

        Warning: It’s about as funny and sexy as having a real sex video of you stolen and uploaded. I called it NotYouTube.

  31. Pingback: …as a versatile blogger nominee « akinyiviv

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Akinyiviv :) So flattered …

  32. Pingback: 6am Walk of Shame? | theladyinredink

  33. Maxwell says:

    Sex is holy grounds for soul mates. You should never just HAVE SEX. It’s fucking SPECIAL dude. Sex is special yet there are areas of earth where people treat it like it’s not. And it’s grossly sad. Respect your soul, guard your heart, life is an epic story of love. Kiss it and call it precious. Love your life, love yourself, love others, love everything, and defend what’s good. Be a warrior for something, or someone, or yourself.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Ahmen Maxwell …come back soon :)

  34. Project44 says:

    I love the humor!

    Ha ha ha sounds like “Trapped” .Check this out http://project44eveandadam.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/trapped/

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hey Project44 :) Thanks for visiting and sharing the link :)

  35. CELoveTalk says:

    I’m like you, I’m not much into casual sex. I think the luster wore off in my 27th year. Not only do I want someone to love me, I want someone to love the shit out of me on a consistent basis. Unfortunately casual sex isn’t consistent enough…well for me at least. Ehh…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      This is true because life can stink sometimes: ” I want someone to love the shit out of me on a consistent basis.” I really like the way you think CE :)

  36. Pingback: Casual sex | Cornelius Agrippa

  37. First, must admit – Didn’t read the 80-odd comments above, but here’s my 2 cents’ worth: All these risks associated with sex will always be outweighed by one thing alone … the deep, primitive and carnal instinct to pro-create. It is something that spans across all life forms on earth – consciously and unconsciously. Ultimately, it is this age old feeling that acts as a catalyst for all the other urges, lust, love, desire and laws of attraction that are displayed by mankind.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      And what an insightful two cents worth rosfromscratch :) I welcome all points of view in my blog and I embrace diversity :) Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here :)

  38. girlseule says:

    What do you do if you take off your clothes then change your mind? Get dressed and leave. Sex should be something both people want. Sex is a normal part of life and casual sex can be great fun, I just think it requires honestly. Don’t pretend you are more into the person than you are just to get laid.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Wish more young people think the way you do! Thank you so much for your comments and for taking the time to browse my blog :)

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