Shopping for a Man
March 8, 2012 50 Comments
A conversation with a friend about men gave me a new perspective about my single and never been wed-locked status.
BFF: We need to look for a man the way we shop for purses.
Lafemme: You mean find one on sale?
BFF: Yes. We need to find a good bargain but instead of looking for leather we need to look for good schlongs (she got that term from me).
The idea did make a lot of sense. After all I’m a great shopper. And if I were to apply my bargain shopping skills to
schlong man shopping I just might hit the jackpot! Is it possible? Could this be my year of finding “The Perfect Schlong” Mr. Right? After all ”Sale” doesn’t mean damaged:
- SALE just means that it’s been on the shelf for a while–I’ve been on the shelf for a while. I’m like canned goods–I can probably survive a nuclear holocaust.
- SALE is still good quality. I’m of good stock and breeding. I have manners. I’m only rude when I want to be and I’m a chick who can laugh at the malfunction of the universe. That’s QUALITY in my opinion.
- SALE means that there is an abundant supply. This means that there are lots of quality schlongs on sale. My chances are good
- BUT SALE can also mean one of a kind. It’s like that black and white Kate Spade for 50% off at Nordstroms. It was lust at first sight and I ran for that purse like a gold medal obsessed sprinter. So that means I have to act fast in case the good schlong is grabbed by another chick.
As my noodle pondered on this matter, I felt a twinge of guilt in paralleling leather goods to
schlongs men. Is commodifying men a good strategy when it comes to finding a life partner that I can love and respect? The obvious answer is NO, but I brushed away pangs of conscience.
If I am to look for a man the way I would hunt down a purse I had to think of location. Where would I find a good man on sale?
I had to rule out a few things:
Dating sites: You never really get what you expect. The men have stellar profiles. They look good on the outside, but a closer look always gets you someone who is a couple of decades older than their picture; their single status usually means separated (reality check folks separated doesn’t mean available) and their abundant hobbies usually mean they’re unemployed.
Sports bars: The ones I’ve been to usually have guys in their 20s and from my experience those guys are too overpriced. You have to “put out” more than what you get.
A few days later, my friend and I went out for drinks. We found a local bar that didn’t have a wide-screen T.V. (no sports bars remember?) We “put ourselves on the shelf” so to speak and sat next to two guys hunched over their beer. They didn’t look too promising, but my friend liked the graying blonde; so, I went along with it. His friend didn’t look too amiable and he didn’t look like he’d “coördinate” with me. She struck up a conversation and before long the four of us were making “small talk,” which I truly hate.
A few drinks later I wanted to get myself “off the shelf” and I whispered to my friend that we should go. But she didn’t want to. My mind was back to shopping mode only this time, I’d given up on the man shopping (at least for now). Since I was broke, I couldn’t even go shopping for handbags, but Michael’s (a local craft store) was having a sale on yarn and I had a 40% coupon in my purse. So I nudged my friend again telling her that I wanted to go and the reason why. Then she said what are you going to do, knit for the rest of your life?
She had a point. Knitting is a passion, but it can’t beat a happy ending with a guy I liked. Then again at that moment I knew for a fact that my chances with scoring a bargain on yarn was a lot more viable than scoring anything with a man. So, what was my newfound perspective? It’s this … Yarn today … man tomorrow. I’m optimistic.
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