What men really mean

Ever wonder what men really mean?

Wonder no more. I’m here to give you the 101:

A man who criticizes the size of a woman’s ass is actually criticizing the shortcomings of his schlong.

A man who says “I can do better than you” is actually saying “I’m not good enough for you.”

When he says “I think we should see other people” what he means is that he wants to catch an STD, but he doesn’t want to give it to you.

When you see “your new guy” in an awkward moment and he shrugs you off by saying “I’ll call you later,” he actually means “good-bye and have a nice life.”

When you constantly complain about having to throw out the trash and he remains quiet and unresponsive, it’s because he’s afraid you’re talking about him.

When your date’s eyeballs are glued to the football game on the flat screen, he’s actually fantasizing about being in the middle of a bunch of guys bumping and humping jumping on each other.

If he tells you “Oh baby, forgive me I’ll never do it again,” what he really means is that he’ll be doubly sneaky the next time he commits the transgression.

When a man walks into a bar acting like “he’s the shit” –  it’s true. That guy has a perpetual hershey highway tracking his drawers.

When you meet a man who is extremely homophobic, that’s because he’s in extreme denial of his own “schlong desire.”

When you see a middle-aged man in a sports car that’s because the only way he can ride a hot piece of ass is by riding in a hot hunk of metal.

When he tells you that the chick he’s been constantly texting and calling is just “a friend,” he’s omitting two very important words “WITH BENEFITS.”

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

62 Responses to What men really mean

  1. The Hobbler says:

    I love all of those. So true…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Hobbler :) You’ve made my morning.

  2. You mock because you care.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh I love my “men” and you are definitely one of them. And I do care and these things run through my noodle … there are good schlongs and bad schlongs, just as there are good women and bad women. Badness doesn’t discriminate … luv ya :)

  3. –Any man who had the balls to criticize my ass …

    would not have any!!!!! xxx

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      He wouldn’t get any ass or wouldn’t have any balls? :)

  4. GingerSnaap says:

    ‘He wants an STD, but he doesn’t want to share it with you’.

    That was Hi-Larious!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Ginger …. :)

  5. PD Williams says:

    Haven’t yet had my coffee, haven’t had a shower, haven’t had the pleasure of kicking morning butt at the poker table, but I’m sitting here — crabby, funky and bitchy — cracking up reading you! Who knew education could be so much fun!?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yay!
      Thanks PD I’m a “Crazy Teach” now … of course I’ll have to give my own twisted reality to education … I hope the Board of Schlong Education is okay with that.

  6. Absolutely, positively SPOT ON !!! You nailed the schlong to the barndoor with this post !!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OMG what an image Cinnamon … “nailed the schlong to the barn door” oh I thought my noodle was twisted, but yours is just all “pretzeled” out. I LOVE IT!!!!!!

  7. The Incog-Negro says:

    Reblogged this on The World According to Budo Black and commented:
    She’s right; I can’t deny it…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OMG!!!!!! I’m so honored. Thank you! I love writing these posts and I’m so glad there are cool dudes who “understand.”

  8. Alfonso L says:

    I’m gonna say something most guys wouldn’t admit but in most cases you’re not too far from our reality. I particularly loved that “double sneaky” part and “I’ll call you later” it couldn’t be more true! Thanks for the laughs your article made my day!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Alfonso and of course … you’re on the My Fav Schlongs list … consider it an uber compliment :)

      • Alfonso L says:

        Well in that case… compliment accepted!
        Btw talking about compliments I just mentioned you in one of my posts, I hope you like it ;)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Aw …. Alfonso … you warm my heart :)

  9. I’m not guilty of any of those. As far as you know. :P

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ll take your word for it James :)

  10. “Honey, maybe we should slowdown and give each other a little space” TRANSLATION: A “to die for” babe has just moved into the apt next door and has no friends in town.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      oooh you bad boy …. are you the “friendly” type? lol

  11. All untrue, men don’t think those thing’s :lol:

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I can see you are “Pinocchionizing” me … I can see your nose reaching space ….

      • That’s not my nose, that’s my schlong ;)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          A well hung pensioner … why you’re not dribbling at all! :)

          • :lol:

  12. RC says:

    Darn it!! Now they’re on to me!! Damn you Lafemme!!
    “perpetual hershey highway tracking his drawers” So wished I hadn’t visualized that! :(

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You couldn’t hide for long … especially with me around! loll

      • RC says:

        You need to throw out that magnifying glass you have on the men of this world!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          lol I can’t get rid of my EYEBALLS!!!!!

  13. Lisa says:

    Favorite one is about the middle aged guys and their cars.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I liked that one too and it gave me a chuckle when I thought about it. :) Thanks for visiting Lisa and I’m glad you joined the CCC :)

  14. Ok now you are http://breakitdownpete.wordpress.com/2012/04/22/appropriate-yet-inappropriate-photos/out of control and i will be back to put you in check. Ha, Ha come check this out

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Pete … I’m going to take the challenge and try and match your awesome captions. I can’t promise chuckles, but I’ll try :)

      • Never a challenge. Your my boy! I’m scarrrrrrred of the C.C.C.! Please dont hurt my shlong he is an innocent bystander.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          You mean I’m your “Crazy Chick!” lol the CCC can be a terrifying bunch I guess if we ever decided to declare war … but I’m sure it won’t be with any of the schlongs that read my blog.

          • Thank you Jesus!

            • oh..I see you go to church too? :-P pray.. hard..

  15. hollyjb says:

    Oh my goodness! How I’ve missed reading your posts. I feel like I’ve been neglecting everyone. This was so entertaining, I’m glad I decided to click on the email while scarfing down lunch before leaving for rehearsal. I have to get back to blogging. Except that it will get in the way of much needed nap time, lol.

    Can you translate the following for me?

    Cast members are gathered in the kitchen eating cupcakes b/c it was someone’s birthday and when there’s a birthday they always bring in treats. I say to a young man (18 year old boy really) who shares my birthday “J-, we should make something for our birthday” and he replies, “yeah, a baby”…..

    Needless to say myself and the other to younger teenagers there just stood around trying not to die from the awkwardness of the situation. Not only has he “asked me to prom”, but the other day he randomly patted my stomach. Apart from being uncalled for, strange, and just plain unneccesary, it made me really uncomfortable/self-concious.

    Sorry, I didn’t mean to go this far with this comment, lol. The cast will just have to suffer through his extreme awkwardness and inappropriate behaviour. I thought that story might make you laugh though, which is why I told you.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Holly,

      I’ve missed you too, but I know that you are busy with your life and pursuing your dreams. So, I think it’s wonderful!

      Now about that incident … it’s hard to tell if he has a crush on you or if he’s just trying to be funny. If he has a crush on you, and it sounds like you’re not into him, then letting him down easily is the best way.

      If he’s trying to be funny and he says another inappropriate thing to you in front of a crowd and if he had said it to me the only come back I can think of is “You really need to work on your wit so you avoid sounding like a twit.” Next time he touches you inappropriately just elbow him and pretend it was an accident. Tell him that you have dangerous reflexes when touched and that next time your elbow just might jab his schlong.

      I find that the best thing to do in such situations is to turn the awkwardness toward him. You have the power!

      I don’t know if my response helps but now you’ve got me craving cupcakes for breakfast … oh you’re such a bad influence. BTW it would be easy for any guy to have a crush on you … you are a sweet and talented chick!

      Luv ya and best,

      Lafemme

      • hollyjb says:

        Aww thanks (in reply to your last comment). The jury’s still out on his actual motives. One thing I do know is that he says awkward things to everyone…I do actually have dangerous, uncontrollable reflexes when tickled…..

        I told him he needed to find his filter and put it back in place. He said he knows where it is, he just doesn’t use it b/c he is a ‘visionary’ searching for that perfectly witty/funny thing to say and just has to spew out a bunch of crap to get there. I’m paraphrasing, but he did use the word visionary.

        If I overlook some stuff he can be kind of funny. He’s just way to young. Just barely legal. Then you add the immaturity and I just don’t think I could handle it, lol.

        I’m sorry to give you bad cravings. Just skip the icing and call them muffins!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          The word visionary is always an excuse … here’s to hoping that he finds his stride …. :)

  16. veehcirra says:

    You are right on all counts Lol Very hilarious illustrations too ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Veeh :)

  17. Raine says:

    But he doesn’t want to give it to you!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  18. For some reason my browser refuses to let me “like” anything today… but this made me giggle with the fervor of a teen girl listening to the world’d dreamiest boy band…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Vicious! What a thing to say … you’ve made me blush :)

  19. hee hee You so ROCK.. I am chuckling.. a LOT! loved it :-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Lizzie :)

  20. I wouldn’t even spend 10 seconds trying to figure out what these men are trying to say. I’d be out finding someone hotter and younger ;)

  21. Ugly Shoelace says:

    Hahah! Fun Fun and very true.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you enjoyed it Shoelace :)

  22. humourworld says:

    Very funny post :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you :)

  23. Haha..strongly agree!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ah … so glad that you do … :)

  24. hahaha! the one about men’s intention of getting double sneaky is hilarious!!! :D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you like it :)

  25. lecourtesan says:

    HAHAHAHAAAAAA…soooo so clever!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh thank you Le Courtesan :)

  26. Pingback: Day 11: 10 Blog Posts I Love « The Narcissist's Blog ©

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