Food Contamination

Lafemmeroar here with a very overdue blog post:

Okay, so I’m still into my vegan kick (except I still eat a little chicken and fish — sometimes) and I’m totally off dairy. I’m learning how to make lots of good healthy stuff. My latest concocktion is making coconut yogurt. I’ve never tried it, but I love yogurt and those probiotics would be good for my gut so I went for it.

I only needed two ingredients:

Young thai coconut (I bought a case at the asian store)

Probiotic powder

You basically take about 3 cups of meat and 1 part of the coconut water (at least that’s the ratio I’m working with) then whirl it into the blender. Once it’s all nice and smooth drop 1 or 2 capsules worth of probiotic powder, then put it in a jar to “ferment” the way some single ladies do sitting on a bar stool by their lonesome waiting for some guy to talk to them. After about 4 hours (or more) the yogurt should have cultured and it’s ready to be put in the fridge to cool.

Now, the hardest part of this process is opening the coconut . I’ve seen tons of You Tube videos on how to open a coconut. You basically whack the coconut on top three times with the bottom edge of a butcher knife and pry open the “head.” I didn’t have a butcher knife, but I did have a cheap knife and a hammer. So, off I went and whacked 4 coconuts to drain the juice and scoop out the meat. Seems like an easy process right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

I have great whacking skills when it comes to schlongs, but these coconuts are tricky. First, the damn “nut” kept getting away from me. Every time I whacked — it kept rolling off my cutting board. And when I did finally open my first coconut, after 20 minutes of whacking, I was sweating like a pig. An hour later I had opened 4 coconuts and proceeded to drain the juice and scoop out the meat. Seems like an easy process right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

The juice had all sort of “bark bits” so I had to get another bowl to drain the water, but the little itty bitty “bark bits” went through the strainer because I didn’t line it with a paper towel. Second attempt–I used a paper towel and success clean and fresh coconut water. Then I began to scoop out the meat. I was working really hard and now I was sweating like a saturated sponge. But the damn coconut kept slipping through my hand and an especially wiley one ended on the floor, but that didn’t matter because the meat was still inside. I gave a big whew but I whewed too soon because once I got back to scooping I harvested a big chunk of meat that slipped off the spoon and guess where it ended up? Yup on the floor. Again, that didn’t stop me because I just rinsed it off real well and dumped it on the bowl with the rest of the “meat.”

I walked the bowls of water and coconut meat to the blender on the other side of the kitchen when I realized my sweat was dripping on the bowl of coconut water! My DNA had contaminated the food!

Now, dear readers, I’m a practical person I wasn’t going to chuck out all that hard work just because my DNA got mixed into the coconut. So, I dumped the ingredients in the blender and whirled it all up. Then dumped the probiotic capsules, but one capsule slipped from my fingers before I could open it up — and guess where that ended up? NO — not on the floor, but inside the blender. It sank like the Titanic so it took some time to fish it out, but I made sure to unplug the blender  (I ain’t stupid! I’ve been such a klutz that the last thing I needed was to have a digit “whirled” off like a schlong). I finally finished the yogurt and now it’s in a warm, dark place so all those good bacteria can grow.

I promised my niece that I would give her some of “my” coconut yogurt once it’s finished. I won’t tell her about how my  sweat got mixed up in it. I mean my DNA sweat won’t kill her — after all we’re related — she’s one-quarter “me” when you think about it.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

17 Responses to Food Contamination

  1. Patti Kuche says:

    LFR, you’re a handy girl – a hammer and a chisel will crack that nut and you will feel so good!

    I love coconut yoghurt but have never thought to make my own. A good brand is Ronnybrook, from NY which has that lovely fresh curdled look and tangy taste but everyone else thinks it has gone “off!”

    And yes, you are long overdue with posting so I presume you have been productive on other counts!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yes I have been productive on other aspects … but I miss “you guys” :) OMG I can’t wait to see how my yogurt will come out. I just checked on it and it’s pretty THICK! Meanwhile I just made myself the best chocolate shake made with avocados and raw cacao. This is my treat since I missed lunch ’cause I was whacking away! I haven’t seen coconut yogurt in my neck of the woods, but I see lots of almond yogurt … I haven’t heard of Ronnybrook … maybe it’s only in the east coast?

  2. to “ferment” the way some single ladies do sitting on a bar stool by their lonesome waiting for some guy to talk to them. Now that’s funny.
    Whew. All that work ? Rather peanut butter jelly sammich.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      In the end I hope it’s worth it. I’ve been eating really healthy the past month. I want to say I’m a raw foodist, but that will probably never happen … still I’m ingesting more vitamins per day than I’ve ever have. I juice everyday and I never thought I would do that. But with the holidays coming … I am looking forward to that “turkey butt” let’s see how I do. :)

  3. Hahahah…a little DNA never killed anyone :) Can’t wait to hear how it turns out!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It’s super thick!!!!!!!!! I think I’ll let it culture for a few more hours. I took a little taste and it’s delicious, but not sour. Howewer, the mixture is waaaaaay thicker now; so I’m hoping that the probiotics work.

      • I love greek yogurt…It is really thick too!!!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I do too! I think my yogurt is a success :) It is soooo thick. I’m thinking that I can make dressing or a smoothie and all I have to do is add a little liquid to thin it out. It’s really thick … it’s been said that coconut yogurt is thinner, but not mine. I don’t know what I did right … but the fiasco earlier has been wiped clean. DNA or no DNA … my yogurt will rock — it is truly a part of me :)

          • Bahahahahahah…..awesome!

  4. Aurora HSP says:

    Hahaha. So nice to see you back, LFR! Cracking, crazy and comical as always :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve been away, but I haven’t changed … actually I’m back to normal now :)

  5. aeliusblythe says:

    You’re ALIVE!!

    And WAY braver than me. I LOVE coconut, but would never actually try to hack into one. Guess I’m just kinda intimidated by nuts….. ;-)

    re: DNA ………Now I think I understand why everyone says the secret ingredient is “Love”! I’m pretty sure you just discovered the REAL secret ingredient! Maybe still call it love for your niece’s sake?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I like your thinking on the DNA issue. Indeed it is true love then :) Love your words :)

  6. Hey, you, great to see you on the grid again! I’ve never tried to open a coconut, but I’m told you need a sharp machete, which isn’t part of my kitchen knife collection, and based on your experience, I think I’ll pass ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It looked so easy on You Tube. I think I just had a cheap knife and an even cheaper hammer. But I tried the yogurt this morning and it’s sooooooooooooooo rich and delicious. Richer than any dairy yogurt I’ve ever had. I made some vegan chocolate pudding and I think I’ll use the yogurt to top it off. Yum …

  7. I knew something was missing in my life – YOU – and your funny posts.
    Next time, if there is a next time, take a small screwdriver and position it on
    one of the eyes. With a hammer hit the screw driver. It should make a whole – repeat.
    Think about it this way,you know when a guy says something out of line – like – “Hey baby, that
    dress is a little tight on you” – and you can just picture yourself poking his eyes out – like that.
    No offense to the men who give nice compliments. WHEW – felt those jabs coming. hahahaha
    Welcome back

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh you are a deliciously evil crazy chick!!!!! I love your comments … I’m glad I’m back as well. :)

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