Conversations with a Schlong

Schlong: Hey Lafemme. You talk about schlongs so much I think you have penis envy.

Lafemme: Neh, you’re the one who should have penis envy.

Schlong: Why is that?

Lafemme: I heard that your schlong is the size of an engorged clitoris!

***********

Schlong: You’re a man hater admit it!

Lafemme: I don’t hate men. I love them. I just need to find one who’ll love me back.

Schlong: You’re unlovable that’s why.

Lafemme: What makes you say that?

Schlong: Your noodle is full of twisted twists and turns.

Lafemme: At least I’ve got a noodle …

***********

Schlong: Face it Lafemme. You’re weird. You look like a CARTOON. You admit you’re crazy and you haven’t had a man in eons.

Lafemme: You really think I”m crazy?

Schlong: Certifiable!

Lafemme: So if I whacked off your schlong I can plead insanity!

[Lafemme goes to the kitchen to get her "schlong hatchet."]

Schlong: Now hold on there Lafemme. You’re not actually going to whack my schlong off with that thing are you?

Lafemme: Neh, your schlong is too small. I’m going to whack off your tongue instead.

Schlong: Let’s be reasonable. This is crazy!

Lafemme: I’m a crazy chick remember?

Schlong: But Lafemme … I love youI’ve always loved you. I only talk to you this way because I know you like heated banter. And you’ve gotta admit that I do heat things up when I’m around you.

[Lafemme scratches her head and thinks about it.]

Lafemme: You do get me all hot and bothered Schlong.

Schlong: See I knew you couldn’t resist me for long. Now how about a happy ending?

Lafemme: I could use a happy ending.

Schlong: Then what are we waiting for? How about you put that hatchet down and come over here.

[Lafemme puts the hatchet down]

Lafemme: I’ll be right back.

Schlong: Where you going? Gonna change?

Lafemme: Yeah. I’m gonna put on something more appropriate for the occasion.

Schlong: Something sexy?

Lafemme: Better …

Schlong: Something naughty?

Lafemme: Better …

Schlong: Something slutty?

Lafemme: Even better …

Schlong: This anticipation is gonna kill me.

Lafemme: Oh trust me Schlong … you’re gonna remember this experience for the rest of your life. I’m really gonna work you over … you won’t be able to move after I’m done with you.

Schlong: I knew you were just like the other stupid chicks I’ve dated. It was just a matter of time.

Lafemme: Get naked and lie on the couch. Be right back.

[Schlong takes off all his clothes. His "wee" was so excited that it peeked out like a mushroom]

Schlong: Hurry Lafemme. Or I might just start without you.

[Lafemme appears]

Lafemme: Here I am!

Schlong: Lafemme is that you?

Lafemme: I told you this was going to be an experience you’ll never forget.

[Lafemme starts the chain saw and begins to hack away.]

Schlong: Awwwwww that’s my arm.

Lafemme: Yup!

Schlong: Awwwwww that’s my leg.

Lafemme: Yup!

Schlong: Awwwwww that’s my other leg

Lafemme: Yup!

[Lafemme puts down the chainsaw and picks up a pair of tweezers.]

Schlong: What are you going to do with those?

Lafemme: I’m going to pluck out your schlong the way I pluck my eyebrows. Now hold still.

Schlong: Nooooooo please. Don’t pluck out my pride and glory. Noooooo …

Lafemme: Humph … I guess you haven’t got that much pride or glory.

Schlong: Noooooo …..

[Lafemme takes a deep breath for she's tired from all that "hacking."]

Lafemme: Ahhhh … that was orgasmic!

And Lafemme lived happily ever after …..

Disclaimer: The above post is for entertainment purposes only. Lafemmeroar has never hacked a schlong, a tongue, or any body parts. She’s dreamt of making a human burrito, but blogged about it instead.  Lafemmeroar is NOT to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries or fatalities for any of the above. And if someone does … good luck finding her for she’s moved from Crazychickville to an undisclosed location due to the numerous hate mails she’s been getting from schlongs the past year. Besides, she’s a Crazy Chick; so, ya’ll know her noodle is twisted anyway and if you actually do any of the above, then you’re just as twisted as she is and you should join her Crazy Chicks Club!

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

10 Responses to Conversations with a Schlong

  1. Cinnamon says:

    I’m not really sure if I should comment on this blog LaFemm. I’m quite sure that they are now tracking you somehow and I could end up as collateral damage ! But I DO love the way you think !!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      See that’s what worried me about this post, but my digits just kept clicking the keyboard and wouldn’t stop until I had my “happy ending.”

  2. The Hook says:

    Where do I begin? This was clever, fun and just awesome!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Sometimes I think that I should write something serious … but I guess that stuff is for another blog and not mine. Thanks Hook for the kind words.

      • The Hook says:

        There are enough serious blogs out there… We need to have fun!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Then I’ll keep on keeping on the Crazy :)

  3. I am so scared… My Richard now has a curfew & a bodyguard after reading this. Kidding! You’re a natural at hacking, you should try your hand at manscaping. Just a little off the top.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      LOL Squammie!!!!! Your schlong is safe in my hands :)

  4. Lol! Funny but oh so traumatic…heheheeee
    Poor Schlong that’ll teach him to go head to head with Lafemme. ;-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ya said it Phil! Going head to head with me is bad for their “little head” :)

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