Health, Excess and Holiday Stress

Thanksgiving took a toll on my body. I ate and drank as if it were the last day on earth.When I woke up Friday I found a note on my pillow.

***

Dear Lafemme,

By Tibor Végh (Tenerife 2010 124.JPG) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

After months of eating healthy you finally cleansed your body of the toxins you’ve been polluting it with for most of your life. And in one day you ruined all that hard work by opening your pie hole to all that fatty food loaded with butter, eggs and who knows what else. To top it off, you imbibed so much booze that you were barely able to walk straight at the end of the night. What kind of way is that to treat your inner organs? Do you want to end up looking like a crazy chick version of this whale man on the beach?

Have you no shame? Why would you subject us to such toil? Why your small and large intestines had to work double duty just to digest all that crap you ate. And your sphincter muscles are comatose, which means that you’ll probably have to take laxatives or go for a colonic. Don’t even get me started on your poor liver. It’s been working overtime trying to detox your body from all that alcohol. Kidney told me that he needs therapy after your indulgence so don’t blame him if your blood pressure goes up. Your pancreas is trying to convince the rest of us to boycott you entirely. He’s threatening to go on a permanent vacation the next time you eat to excess ’cause he’ll stop producing insulin and those oh so important digestive enzymes you need. How’s that for a wake up call!

DOUBLE MY SPANX

And your stomach, poor thing, has ballooned up so much that all he needs is a bit of hot air and he’ll probably float away to “Tubbolardland.” Do you want to go back to wearing your double SPANX? I don’t think so. Please exercise caution next time there’s a party and try to limit your calorie and alcohol consumption. You’ve been warned.

Sincerely,

Your Heart

My Response:

Dear Organs,

Why you lazy bunch of no good cells … you’ve been spoiled the last few months! Vacation is over! If you don’t start doing your job, I’ll replace you! I’ve signed up for a multiple organ transplant and I’ve bribed the powers that be to put my name on top of the LIST

So get back to work and quit complaining if you wanna be around for the holidays and not on some research lab getting sliced up. I need you guys in tip top shape ’cause Christmas is a comin’ and you know how much I love eating them cream puffs. And this is a special message to you liver and pancreas … get up off your lazy butts.  New Year’s Eve is near and I’ll need you up and ready to detox me for I plan to drink like a thirsty fish that night.

Sincerely,

Lafemme

***

Needless to say, I have not heard a peep out of those lazy organs. I guess threatening them with that transplant put their sense of duty back into their noggins. Humph … they know who the master is now! Sure I haven’t had a good dump in a while, my blood pressure is high, and my doc said that I’ll probably need dialysis, but I think it’s all due to holiday stress. If you don’t hear from me in the next couple of weeks my noodle is probably just hibernating the way bears do when it’s cold and not because my “innards” have given up on me.

 

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

35 Responses to Health, Excess and Holiday Stress

  1. Just eliminating sausage/pepperoni stuff and reduce red meat will probably add years to your life. Another way to live longer is to owe a lot of money. Your creditors will do everything possible to keep you alive.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol on the debt … living miserably paying off debt is good for longevity … that’s a funny oxymoron :) You have such a twisted noodle Carl :)

  2. Love it.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you like it Cameo :)

  3. Patti Kuche says:

    But did you gave fun?

    I like Carl’s good advice, he makes it all sound so do-able!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yes I did have fun Patti… :) Carl is a crazy dude … I just love him! He makes me smile on a daily basis :)

  4. Cinnamon says:

    If I had recieved a note like that from my organs I can tell you exactly what I would have done. Gone to the nearest DMV and volunteered to be an organ donor. That would teach them !!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      LMAO Cinnamon! Wish I’d thought of that … :) You are an awesome Crazy Chick!!!!! :)

  5. I am already starting with the damn cookies…never good. But hey, it’s Christmas!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It’s time to be jolly … and if cookies will do that … more power to you! I saw your cookie recipe and I will try it for the kids :)

  6. Miss Nae says:

    Lmao! That right there was hilarious! You tell those organs who’s BOSS!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s right I’m the boss of my gut and innards and no amount of protesting can tell me otherwise … :)

  7. It’s good to remind your organs every so often that they have to work for you. I always opt for a large amount of vodka or Irish Whiskey to perk them up, but a grotesque portion of dark chocolate truffles did it for me this weekend. Time for the treadmill and a lot of guilt trips from my pants, which have gotten strangely tighter recently. :) love the post, chica!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol on “grotesque portion of dark chocolate” what a beautiful way to say it!!!! Wish I had come up with that line … :)

  8. ericmvogt says:

    Dear Noodles, the Turkey producers, the Wild Turkey distillers and the baby alien in your tummy all say “Thanks for your support! See you in a month!” :-D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve gotta strong gut Eric … they can complain and complain, but I’ll keep a shovelin’ the excess ’cause it’s just that time of the year :)

  9. Those two pictures are enough to cause most to go on a fast and detox…lol! ewwwww yuk.
    I’ve always wondered a woman can have sex comfortably and be ‘fulfilled’ if her man’s gut is the size of the guys on the beach…dear oh dear.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      All I can say is that the schlong better be able to “peek” through the excess flesh

  10. Lol! should read… “how a woman can…” ;-)
    Peek through…lol! excess flesh…eewwwwwww.
    What more can I say, other than you’re right. ;-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Phil … I have my moments of “correctness” :)

  11. The Hook says:

    Good God, this was clever and hilarious!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad it gave you a chuckle Hook! :) Always love your visits :)

  12. liveblissful says:

    hilarious :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad to give you a chuckle :)

  13. tori nelson says:

    Glad you told those whiny organs of yours what’s what. My stomach and I are currently at odds. She keeps grumbling and I keep insisting that deciding to eat my weight in pie was a solid choice :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lololol Tori … “weight in pie” ….”solid choice” loll … that’s my logic many times as well! :) You’re too funny!

  14. Pie Hole rules!!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It always wins over logic Joe :)

  15. Funny how we don’t need much of an excuse to undo all the hard we we’ve done to keep as fit as we can. We’re so darned human, aren’t we? :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Lorna you are a very wise woman! “Damned humans” indeed …
      In reality, I’m back to juicing. But I’m drinking coffee this morning (I try to avoid it) ’cause it was cold and my noodle needs something warm to take it out of stasis.

      • Yes, back to reality for me, too…

  16. 10000movies says:

    What a bossy style with those poor organs!! It’s scary! :))

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah! They better be scared of their master! :)

  17. ctoby says:

    lmfao AGAIN! I really should know better by now not to be drinking anything when I read your stuff…. s l o w learner. Oh well, at least my nasal passages are clear now.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Giiiiirrrrrlllll …. I hope you weren’t drinking anything carbonated! OUCH :(

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