Online Dating Misadventures Part 3.1

An old post for my new readers. Enjoy :)

Searching for “the one” online is like choosing produce at the grocery store. You don’t want to pick the bruised or the rotten; so, you need to sniff, pinch and handle them a bit to see if they’re any good.

Lavalife has three sections for user profiles: Dating, Relationships and Intimate Encounters. Signing up with Lavalife means that I can hypothetically go bowling with a fun guy, have sex with a stud while I look for “the one” in the relationships section. My paranoia and trust issues kicked in when I realized that my pick in the relationships section could also be balling bowling with a fun chick in the Dating section and having bootie calls with an S.O.S. (Slut on a Stick) in the Intimate Encounters section. Why, he can turn out to be a real M.I.L.K.  (Man I‘d Like to Kick) I asked myself if I wanted to get involved with a site that, in my opinion, created such “relationship” confusion. But curiosity won over and I forged on.

Lavalife makes it easy because I just had to click on the multiple choice answers to fill out my profiles although the site does let you write more about yourself in the “In My Own Words” section.

Each section allows users to have an opening line and these were mine:

Dating: I go dutch 

Relationship: I do

Intimate Encounters: Anything goes

Now did I tell the truth; the whole truth so help me oh supreme being? Yes. Let me just qualify that “anything goes” is rather vague and can be interpreted in any way “my way.” I believe that I was totally honest and within my realm in filling out my profile in the Dating and Relationship sections. When it came to filling out the Intimate Encounters section I decided to have a little fun and explore parts of me I didn’t know “I was.” This after all is an exploration.

Within seconds of saving my Intimate Encounters profile I received messages (this could be a coincidence) from six members. The messages went from the mundane (hello, how are you, hi there) to downright TMI (I have some kinky fetishes and nasty fantasies too, tie you up and tickle you, I’m into whips, and I like food thrown at me). My first reaction was to laugh and I did. I didn’t respond (sniff, pinch or handle) as I had more important things to do like stare at the wall, work, and blog.

Missed the previous posts? Click here for Part 1 and Part 2.

Stay tuned for my next installment.

Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

30 Responses to Online Dating Misadventures Part 3.1

  1. Throw food?! Tickling?! Kind of warped that those are the only two things that I draw the line on. Ha ha. Love this one, babe.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol! Yeah I like food, but I like eating it … throwing is such a waste.

  2. Lol! sniff, pinch and handle…hahahaaa.
    Honey, unlike fruit, people can pass the initial tactile test and still be bad to the core…but I’m sure an intelligent crazy chick like you, already knows that.
    My ex was (who I was engaged to for around 8 months) was Kurdish but born in Turkey, when we broke up, let’s just say, I went through a stage where I could honestly say that I knew what if felt like to be in a soap or movie…she passed the initial tactile test…but that’s another story for another time.

    Loving those acronyms…I’m constantly convinced that the playing field has truly been levelled.
    Would it be fair to say that a good percentage of women today are also driven by an hormonal need to satisfy the urges of their loins?

    I love men…obviously, as I love myself…but I really love women…lol! ;-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Phil, I think doing a post about your ex(of course you’ll have to fidget with it a bit to protect the “innocent”) would get lots of reads and will help people in screening the loons and goons from the worthwhile … I’m not saying your ex falls in that category–I’ve never met her! :) I do need to add to my Acronyms page … I have lots in my noodle … :)

      • Well I wouldn’t say she was a loon per-Se (Lois would beg to differ)…lol!
        I would just say, she was very intense and passionate…and at the time, had a hard time accepting that, ‘it’s over’ really meant, it was over…
        As for you…I would love to know how that noodle really ticks…I’m intrigued. ;-)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I’ve trying to figure out how my noodle really ticks as well … as I’m STILL trying to figure it out, but I bet I got your interest! loll

  3. Morrighan says:

    i tried a site like that once…never again. i tend to run like hell the minute i hear the word fetish. it’s usually attached to some sex fantasy.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Fetish is usually that … why can’t schlongs have a fetish for spooning? Then again if they did … it would probably be something sick involving a body part instead of its literal meaning which is cuddling. Ah people are so sick and complex. But if they weren’t I’d have nothing to blog about! :)

      • Morrighan says:

        lol! :-)

      • Lol!
        C’mon Lafem, you’re just drawing the comments now aren’t you?…you teaser….
        Surely you know a Fetish is a sexual desire to perform sexual acts linked to an inanimate object, not to individuals…
        E.g. An individual can have a fetish for life life sized rubber dolls but a liking for cute petite brunettes. ;-)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I know that Phil! But a crazy chick can dream can’t she? lolololol :) Okay you need to do a post explaining types of fetishes. See how commenting on my blog is great material for ya? :) I also wish men had a fetish for gifting designer purses … okay now that’s an inanimate that would certainly make me feel real “juicy.”

          • Nah.,..men just value different thing…as for the affects of designer items…my mind…oh my mind…lol! :-D

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              I know which type of designer items you’re thinking about, but my blog is NC-17 so I can’t really get into details! :)
              Disclaimer: Lafemmeroar’s blog is not really NC-17. It’s definitely PG-13 as she tries not to use curse words and “s@xual” topics are really only hinted at. Her Schlong whackings are only hypothetical and they’re really just fantasy (but she does wish they were real as it would be orgasmic to whack a bad schlong) stories. Lafemmeroar is not to be held responsible for any illicit thoughts that may “pop” up as a result of reading her blog or her comments. :)

              • LOL! Lafem, you have me all wrong…hahhaaaa.
                I had to stop my mind going somewhere when you mentioned the affects “designer purses” had on you….
                I had to drop the vault doors and administer the super locks. ;-)

                • Lafemmeroar says:

                  Some people do oysters … :)

  4. I watched a documentary about people who get turned on by doing bizarre things with food–like sitting on it or smearing it all over themselves or their partners. All I can say is AUGH!!!!!! That’s disgusting.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Diana … at least it’s FOOD and not something really YUCKY if you get my drift … :)

  5. rebecca2000 says:

    Oh that would drive me crazy. See, you know me well enough to know I would reply back with some weird stuff. “Oh I like to tackle and tie people up too. We should go out. I need some help because the last time i did it, I tied the rope too tight and they lost their hand. No worries though, I like stumps if that happens to you.”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You tease … it’s like fishing … you hook em then you “cook” em! :)

      • rebecca2000 says:

        I sure do. When did I ever claim not to be a tease?

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          lol! :)

  6. Dating? I am 63 and live 2 miles from Miami Beach. My ’72 Cutlass starts up on the third try most of the time. I love movies and saw Errol Flynn in Dawn patrol 50 years ago. I also like to travel. Went to the mall two years ago. I also have $78 stashed in the credit union.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol Carl … that profile would actually qualify as “normal” with a “twisted humor” :) I’d date ya!

  7. ericmvogt says:

    Now, Noodles, we all know that bowling, sex and Mr. Goodbar can come in one and the same package. But if you could have All three at the same time…ah, now That would have to be Fantasy Island.

    Ricardo: “Tattoo!”

    Tattoo: “Yes’th, boss’th!”

    Ricardo: “Bring me my bowling shoes, my His n Hers and my Checkbook!”

    Welcuum to Faaantasyy Island, Girls! ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ricardo better have enough funds in the Checkbook to get his HAPPY ENDING! :)

      • ericmvogt says:

        O, senorita, I’s does… :P

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Hmmm…. something tells me you’ve had your fair share of happy endings :)

  8. I would be afraid.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Online dating is like looking for wild animals in the jungle Valentine :)

  9. Talking about the online dating, yes, “nightmare,” check out this post from my blog, Chronicles Of A Dystonia Muse: http://dystoniamuse.com/2012/10/07/shall-we-talk/

Talk to me :)

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