How to Conduct a Relationship Exorcism

As a single, never been married Crazy Chick I am the self-proclaimed expert on relationship exorcisms. I have performed many and I’ve helped other chicks as well :)

You need a relationship exorcism when:

♦ you’ve become a zombie because his mind has taken over your whole being

♦ he’s turned from being your friend and lover to being your tormentor

♦ he thinks you’re a punching bag

♦ your credit card is maxed out from charges he made to P.O.R.N. (P@ssy Open and Ready Now)

♦ you’ve become his personal maid service

♦ he stops lying to you and says “yeah I’m cheating live with it”

♦ his schlong is jack hammering elsewhere

If you said yes to any of the above, it’s clear that the once love of your life has been possessed by a selfish and mean schlong.  

Here’s the 100% Effective way to exorcise that bad schlong out of your man!

For the exorcism you will need:

  • Arsenic instead of holy water 

  • A hot poker instead of a cross 

  • Throw down words instead  of prayers.

  • Duck tape instead of rope. Unless you’re a cowgirl who knows how to tie good knot.

Instructions:

Put a dash of arsenic in his cocktail. Just a tad won’t kill.

Once he’s knocked out get some duck tape. Bind his arms and legs to the bed.

When he comes to he might think you’re up to some kinky hanky panky–boy is he in for a surprise! :)

If he tries to shimmy out of his shackles stick him with a hot poker and tell him to stay still. 

If he gets lippy give him some throw down words followed with a good punch in the mouth.  

**Now, alternate with the throw down words (yeah! tell him what you really think), the mouth punch (to shut him up) and the hot poker (it’ll be orgasmic sticking it to him) until he’s exhausted. He won’t be able to speak, but the sweat and the pleading behind the gag should be an indication that the exorcism is working. Now, repeat the process a dozen or more times until you’ve broken the schlong out of him and he’s back to the sweet man you once knew. :)

Testimonials from satisfied Crazy Chicks

Thank you so much. Your exorcism worked on my abusive hubby. I finally broke him down to the blubbering idiot he once was and now the only thing he can do is nod his head. So when I ask him for more money he just nods. When I tell him to dump the trash he nods like a tamed zombie. You’re a genius Lafemme!

Bonita Dumplemeister

♥♥♥♥

I never thought that I could get rid of that schlong in my life, but your exorcism is 100% effective! I didn’t have a hot poker so I used a meat thermometer instead. I had to poke many many many times, but it worked. It’s amazing how much my teeny-weeny poker made him scream when I poked his eye out. It’s a miracle!  The schlong is now gone and I’ve got my man back! He has to wear an eye patch now … I just love my one-eyed spineless hunny bunny

Domita Natrix

♥♥♥♥

My friend told me about your exorcism technique. I was skeptical at first, but I’m convinced that you are a crazy chick who knows how to really whip a bad schlong into shape. My schlong was such a domineering man and now he’s as tame as a stuffed parakeet. I’ve got my freedom back. I’m a happy crazy chick  again thanks to you Lafemme.

Lady Bird Sprinkles

♥♥♥♥

Disclaimer: The above is for hypothetical exorcism purposes only. Lafemmeroar does not have access to arsenic and she’s never used a hot poker on a human. She is good at the throw down words, but her throw down words are like benign sticks and stones and they really can’t eradicated anyone “permanently.” Her verbal abuse only stuns them “momentarily.” Wives or girlfriends who want to get rid of their man schlong  must do it within the legal limits of the law.  Any similarity of the above to homicidal thoughts/tendencies is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is NOT to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the execution of the above exorcism.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

44 Responses to How to Conduct a Relationship Exorcism

  1. Harry says:

    I would hate to get on the wrong side of you :)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Harry … you could never!

      But why do commenters always say that about me? :)

      • Harry says:

        You seem cruel to men :lol:

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Cruel?????? Why I love men!!!!!!! :)
          I need to even the playing field by doing a revenge post on BAD chicks ….. NOT CRAZY CHICKS THOUGH … THEY’RE MY PEEPS :)

          • Harry says:

            Bad cruel chicks :)

  2. Boy, could I’ve used this a couple of years ago. Although, I think I’d use a Taser, instead of a hot poker. Hee hee. Another rockin’ post, Crazy Chick!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Inion … tazer would work too … but I don’t think it would break skin or poke an eye out! :)

  3. Only you can speak of scholongs….and it not give me the willies…..

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aha! Finally a man who is not afraid of the whackings … you’re a good guy Joe :) Now go have a meal … :)

      • I enjoy reading your writings while eating…..

        Whacking….kinda a relative term….

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Yup … you can whack a juicy steak instead of a schlong! :)

          • Or….both??

            was that bad?

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              :)

              • am i enjoying this conversation too much??

                • Lafemmeroar says:

                  I know I am :)

                  • So, whacking ………..what is there to say??

                  • maybe we covered it all

                  • ya left…

                    • Lafemmeroar says:

                      I have to eat toooooo! :)

                    • sorry…i missed ya

                    • Lafemmeroar says:

                      I want you to dress up as Santa for Xmas :)

                    • And what will that get me???

                      Have you been naughty or nice

                    • Lafemmeroar says:

                      Naughty of course! I’ll post it and title “10 Things Santa Wants to Eat for Christmas:) I can’t guarantee that the “nibblings” will be edible though!
                      OH!!!!!!!! Yes let’s do it Joe … will ya?

                    • I enjoy those nibblings…..

                    • Lafemmeroar says:

                      You should do a guest post on my blog or something … :) but with a pic of yourself as santa :)

                    • Got a thinkg for santa???

                    • Lafemmeroar says:

                      Yeah … who knows a few crazy chicks might wander off to your blog … then again … reading your blog would ruin their diet! But we should do it :)

                    • no calories in whacking or eating certain things….

  4. ericmvogt says:

    Noodles, I am still laughing! Bahahahahahahahahahahahhaha! You might want to think about flex-cuffs next time around. Duct tape pulls the hairs of a man’s tender weetle arms! ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Why do you think I chose the duct tape? :)

  5. Lol! And then you wonder why they never ‘man up’ and say anything on your Blog….hahhaaaa.
    I think being whacked would be the least of their problems. :-P

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Phil … but I need to attract MORE male readers to my blog :( I think reading my posts would save their Schlongs! :)

      • Lol! Only the brave would dare to approach Lafem and the crazy chicks.
        You may have to go on a search to draw the guys out, can you deal with rejection and being ignored like I can? Can Lafem deal with ‘indirectly told’ she’s not their type?
        If so, surf about like I did and see what you find…I think the WordPress peeps are a bit more forthcoming with new visitors, more so than the Blogger lot.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I think my skin is thick enough to take rejection! :) I don’t visit blogger much … is it easier to connect on WP vs. Blogger? Hey! I’m serious about the post … the sooner the better :)

          • More easier to connect via WP than Blogger,
            As for the post, how about a festive piece for the holiday period?

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              Sounds good. You don’t have to make it too long as I know you have your blog to do as well :) Yeah! :)

  6. Miss Nae says:

    Genius! Lol

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Miss Nae! :)

  7. One sign that this may be necessary is when you peek into the cellar and she’s sharpening an ax.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think so Carl! :) Or sharpening the tip of a hot poker :)

  8. ctoby says:

    Though I’m diametrically opposed to taping ducks (their feathers–you know), I find the rest of your essay conceptually intriguing. Especially the hot poker part. I personally think it seems a good substitute for a cattle prod, which is not always easily accessible. :D
    Thanks for the great “advice!”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ouch on the feathers!

  9. OMggggggg,
    it sounds like a LIFETIME movie!! Haaaa

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I bet it would make a good one :)

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