Holiday Colonic

Ever had a conversation and the chat just digressed to sex? Well … I was talking to a friend about getting hydrotherapy after the holidays. Here’s how it went:

Me: I think I’m going to do hydrotherapy after the holidays.

Him: What’s that?

Me: When you get water shot up your bum!

Him: Bleech!

Me: You have lots of toxic stuff in your gut!

Him: Well I’m not getting anything going up my butt!

Me: You should … you’re probably full of shit as we speak.

Him: No I’m not.

Me: Sure you are. What did you have for dinner last night?

Him: A roast.

Me: With what?

Him: Loaded mashed potatoes and a roll.

Me: Any veggies?

Him: What’s that?

Me: How often do you GO?

Him: Go where?

Me: Bathroom stupid!

Him: It’s down the hallway.

Me: I meant how often do you make BM?

Him: You mean BDSM don’t you?

Me: Listen how much fiber do you have a day?

Him: What’s fiber?

Me: Yup! You’re full of shit all right!

Him: Have you ever been tunneled?

Me: What’s that?

Him: (Silence …)

Me: Hmm… you mean anal?

Him: Yeah.

Me: A guy proposed the idea to me once.

Him: Yeah?

Me: I told him that I’ll do it if he let’s me jackhammer his bum first. He never brought up the idea again.

Him: What you need is a “cunnalingus-tonic” (yup I spelled it right in my crazy chick mind!)

Me: Is that a tongue colonic?

Him: Tongue involved in that area, but no colonic.

Me: Hmm…. if I had a willing party to do that to me I won’t have to pay the $150 for the hydrotherapy!

Him: Bleech. There you go again with the yuck talk.

Me: I think it’s more yucky to have a tongue up a dirty bum don’t you?

Him: I certainly don’t want anybody’s tongue up my bum.

Me: And they wouldn’t want it up your bum if you’re full of poop, which is why you should get a colonic.

Him: I’d never do it to anybody either.

Me: You couldn’t anyway … it’s not “LONG” enough.

Him: Oh it’s plenty long.

Me: Stick out your tongue.

Him: My tongue? I thought you meant my — you know.

Me: Oh I’m sure THAT WON’T BE LONG ENOUGH EITHER.

And so it went on this way dear readers … notice how I didn’t use the word “SCHLONG” once in this post (well actually I just did, but you know what I mean). You know dear readers, rumor had it that when John Wayne died, there was more than 100 pounds of fecal matter lodged in his gut. This is why hydrotherapy is so important and I am sure that I will get it done especially with all the food and drink I’ll be ingesting this holiday season. 

So to all of you Happy Holidays and may you be “Well Cleansed” in the New Year!

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© 2013 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

47 Responses to Holiday Colonic

  1. Hi Lafem :D

    Whats with the shady display pic?

    I thought you were one for secret identity

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Who said that’s me? :)

      • Right
        :D

        Merry X’mas to you Lafem and all your Crazy Chicks/Freaks and otherwise to all hangers-on !!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Thank you and I hope your’e enjoying your holiday season as well :)

  2. Cinnamon says:

    I’d really like to have that done myself. But had no idea it was that expensive. My thrifty mind is now going to wander through the lawn and garden department at Lowes and HomoDepot. I’m thinking I could do it alot less !! Merry Christmas my pal LaFem-ada (get it? enema) Oh never mind..I’m full of shit too !

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao :)) on the lawn and garden department lololol and did you really mean “HomoDepot”? You’re too damn funny … I luv it :)

      • Cinnamon says:

        OH yeah I meant HomoDepot. When I was living as a lesbian a long time ago (well back in the 90′s) that was one of the first “secrets” I was told about the lifestyle. All the boys cruise the bars, and the lesbians cruise Home Depot. I’m SHOCKED you didn’t know…..LOL

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          no I didn’t know about “HomoDepot” loll did you find any cuties?

  3. kdaddy23 says:

    Remind me to never chat with you…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Why I’m a very “cunning-linguist”! :)

      • kdaddy23 says:

        See?

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          :)

  4. ericmvogt says:

    That’s not lafemme. I think she copy and pasted it from the movie Shogun. This actress was an extra I think. A courtesan.. I think she cut off a samurai’s private part… :-D

    Just for the record, lafemme, I have Never had a conversation like This… Makes me want to get a baday and skip the bad day…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh you know you’re dying to have that water shot up your bum … imagine how refreshing it would feel after! :)

      • ericmvogt says:

        Oooooooo… Even the thought of it makes me want to pucker and run for my life! ROFL

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Which part of you is puckering your lips or your nether region? :)

          • ericmvogt says:

            And just which end do they stick the hose into for your cleansing procedure? ;)

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              Well … where do they stick the hose for your “schlong cleansing”? :)

  5. auroraHSP says:

    Holy Macaroni, I didn’t know THAT about John Wayne. I’m thinking I could lose half of me if I get one of those – won’t even have to sweat for it LOL LOL ;)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao Janice! One of your funniest moments at LFM blog! this comment is … :)

  6. For some reason every conversation I have ends up revolving around sex. Maybe I should Colonic my dirty mind? Can you colonic a dirty mind, or is that like an oxy moron? LOL Merry Christmas, Lafemme!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      A dirty mind is one of the funnest thing about being a crazy chick! :)

  7. I have a few people I would like to “cleanse”, (well one actually) using a garden hose. I KNOW he’s full of Shit!!

    I have had conversations that took a turn to sexual innuendo and playing around. In fact one time I answered the phone and was talking to who I thought was a friend and played along with the sexy talk. The conversation started pretty normal,
    Him: whatcha doing?
    Me: waiting for your phone call, what are you doing?
    Him: thinking about you.
    Me: aren’t you sweet; what do you want?
    him: to know what are you wearing?
    Me: laughing…….my flannel nightie…… Why what are you wearing?
    I was on the phone with him probably 15
    minutes before I realized it wasn’t my friend at all; it was a obscene phone call from some pervert who thought he’d hit it lucky because I was getting into it with him! Eventually I said,”who is this, this isn’t Rick is it”.
    The guy said,”you can call me Rick if you want”
    I hung up!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Well … Rick is short for Richard and a Richard can be called a dick and a dick a Schlong! … close enough! :) You’re funny!

  8. I thought hydropathy was taking a bubble bath.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Well … i guess bathing would be called “hydro-cleansing”? but not the same :)

  9. Mmmm…

  10. Bodhirose says:

    Love the jackhammer reference…how true is that. This had me chuckling out loud, Laf…you are one funny, crazy chick!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I meant the jackhammer comment too! I’m a Libra … I believe in balance … tit for tat … know what I mean? :))

  11. Kelly says:

    Well I had a colonacpie “I know I spelled that wrong” for my birthday at my doc suggestion, I think it cleaned me out pretty good. Have a great Christmas and New Year Lafemmeroar. Lol leave to men to make sex talk out of anything.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah, don’t they give you a jug of something to drink prior to the procedure?

      • Kelly says:

        They give you four pills then 1 gallon of crap to drink and one more of them 3 hours before you go in not fun.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Imagine if you were at the mall and that thing kicked in!!!! Now that would be a blog post I would Tweet, Digg, FB and Stumbleupon from here to ETERNITY! :)

          • Kelly says:

            Lol you don’t dare go anywhere it hits fast and you pray all the way to the appointment that you can keep them cheeks together.

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              Lol! Kelly … no wonder you’re a crazy “cheek” :)

  12. Have you ever wondered why men who say they are not Homosexuals still desperately want anal sex with women? What is that?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Maybe they’re hoping that the “sweet spot” would have a schlong at the other end? lolol no idea crazy chick … now you’ve got my noodle rolling!

  13. Patti Kuche says:

    I’m getting stomach cramps just reading this!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol Patti! :)

  14. Happy holidays! My dear friend, I have been out of control working, but will be back full time in the new year. Peace!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Pete! Working is a good thing. Get your rest and just remember that you’re one of my favorite Schlongs :) Stay safe … enjoy the eats and libations :)

  15. Is water up the butt like an enema or somthin’?

    Happy 2013 <3

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      er … yep! :)

  16. I got ZERO shame in my game. I was thinking just today that I wished that I actually had the money to get my colon cleansed THOROUGHLY! I mean I’d love to have my ass blasted, cleaned, detoxified, and restored to it regular, God-given state! I’m a classy lady but I MAY just walk out into my backyard, shove my garden hose up my ass, and get the job done myself… There is some NASTY shit in our colons that DOES NOT need to be there. Add that THAT that our colons are filled with a gazillion tiny capillaries that do…guess what? Give up? OK, I’ll tell ya now… Those capillaries absorb all our toxic, rank, nasty, old, ratchet shit that was REJECTED from our digestive systems and REDISTRIBUTES our poisonous shit RIGHT back into our bloodstreams where it can FULLY circulate every part of your body. Bottom line: CLEAN YOUR ASSHOLES OUT FROM TIME TO TIME!!!!! Lol

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol Ava! And yeah I do plan to clean out after boozing it and gluttoning it up for the last week! :)

  17. Stewie says:

    Can’t say that I’ve ever felt the need for colonic ‘irrigation’. Surely the body expels anything that is toxic in the natural way? By the way, you do know it’s 2013 now? (C)2011 ;-)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      And here I thought it’s 2069! :)

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