I was talking to my friend the other day and I mentioned that I’d been in a rather moody mood. When was the last time you got any he asked. Any what? (I was playing dumb) You know … sex … he said. Oh that …Well that’s kind of a tricky question I said. That means no he said and added that’s because you’re a dragon lady.
I couldn’t argue with him on that one … it’s not the first time I’ve been called a “fire breather.” You really need a man … he said again… the last time I saw you with one was when the iTouch 1.0 first came out. I pondered that time frame and while it isn’t actually accurate … it’s not that far from the truth either. But dear readers it’s not like I haven’t been close a few times. I actually remember a time when I was flirting with the idea of getting together with someone right about the time the iPad 1.0 first came out, but things didn’t actually pan out so “iNixed” the idea.
It’s not like I don’t want one, but is it my fault if it’s slim pickings out there? Is it my fault if my personality is too strong for some schlongs? Is it my fault that good men are about as hard to find as a Louis Vuitton purse on sale? It’s just my luck and thus far I’ll say that I’ve been damn lucky to have the fortune of not getting involved with a “Total Schlong” because he’d be schlongless by now! Still my friend persisted …
Him: You need a man to take you out.
Me: If I wanted take out … I’ll order chinese.
Him: You need a man to give you a happy ending.
Me: The only thing I need for a happy ending are a never ending supply of batteries.
Him: But the “real thing” is way better than a vibrator!
Me: Can the real thing go all night long?
Can the real thing stop himself from raining sweat all over me?
Will the real thing sleep on the wet spot?
Will the real thing ring my bell and make me spark like the 4th of July?
Nuff said …
Him: You need a man because it’s miserable being alone.
Me: I’d rather be miserable alone,
than be miserable with
the cause of my misery.
Him: You need a man so he can complete you.
Me: My definition of “completion” is death …
Him: You need a man so someone can give you flowers and chocolates for Valentine’s Day.
Me: If I wanted flowers I can pick them from my neighbor’s yard, and why would I want something that will give me cavities and make me fat?
Him: You need a man so you can spoon with him.
Me: The only spoon I ever needed was one to dig into a pint of Haagen Dazs and I’ve stopped eating dairy.
Him: You need a man to hold your hand with while you stroll down the park.
Me: The last time someone held my hand to walk … I was still a petit Lafemme and only “perves” stroll the park.
Him: You need a man so he can whisper words of love in your ear.
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