Shopping for a Man

A conversation with a friend about men gave me a new perspective about my single and never been wed-locked status.

BFF: We need to look for a man the way we shop for purses.

Lafemme: You mean find one on sale?

BFF: Yes. We need to find a good bargain but instead of looking for leather we need to look for good schlongs (she got that term from me).

The idea did make a lot of sense. After all I’m a great shopper. And if I were to apply my bargain shopping skills to schlong man shopping  I just might hit the jackpot! Is it possible? Could this be my year of finding “The Perfect Schlong” Mr. Right? After all ”Sale” doesn’t mean damaged:

Disadvantage of a Hybrid Cougar

Cheap booze poured from the bar like a broken fire hydrant on a summer day. Music boomed and thirsty patrons in this local watering hole laughed, drank and devoured happy hour tid bits.  So, there I was sitting at the bar enjoying a few laughs with a couple of friends when I saw a vision. I couldn’t take my eyes off the woman

Online Dating is it a Good Idea? Part 4

I discovered a free dating site called Dating on Demand that has partnered with Perfect Match. Singles can tape their video or they can attend a Dating on Demand event and have their profile videotaped for free. Video profiles can be seen through the On Demand service or online at PerfectMatch.com. I know that I’m not going to sign up on this site as they don’t have it available in my area, but I thought you might get a kick out of viewing some of the videos I found on You Tube.

Watching these videos have led me to realize why there are so many singles out there looking for love and not finding any:

10 Signs That He’s Mr. Wrong

Here are ten signs that say the guy you’re with is NOT the guy for YOU:

1. The word commitment isn’t in his vocabulary: But he knows how to say “no strings sex” and “I need to see other people” in five different languages. 
2. He’s still looking for himself: If he’s lost, then you’ll never find love with him.
3. He’s exactly like your ex-boyfriend: This one is a no-brainer … duh …
4. His words don’t match his actions: He says you’re the only woman for him, while his eyes fixate on the blonde bombshell and her knockers.
5. You don’t speak the same language: You say potato–he says potaTOH. You say relationship–he says bootie call. Oh just call the whole thing off.

Online Dating: Is it a Good Idea? Part 3.3

I’m looking through every digital nook and cranny to find the gem hidden within the litter of excrement that fertilizes the online dating world. I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, but I’m hoping that someday I’ll find the love of my life and together, we can trot on down eternity dealing and laughing at the malfunction of the universe. Here’s my latest find and I actually learned something new:

Online Dating is it a Good Idea? Part 3.2

My quest to find love online continues. Each dating website I explore reminds me of my idea of the human condition–we’re all a big mess and we’re all looking for love to give us a sense of peace and order in a malfunctioning universe. Here’s my adventure with Love Access:

Love Access is free, but you can’t make initial contact until you upgrade. But upgraded members can send you instant messages. So, I explored the site looking for the incentive to upgrade my account.

Online Dating Is It a Good Idea? Part 3.1

Here’s Part 3.1 of my online dating adventure, which focuses on the first site I joined. I still don’t know how far I’ll go with this quest. I have learned that searching for “the one” online is like choosing produce at the grocery store. You don’t want to pick the bruised or the rotten, so you need to sniff, pinch and handle them a bit to see if they’re any good.

Lavalife has three sections for user profiles: Dating, Relationships and Intimate Encounters. Signing up with Lavalife means that I can hypothetically go bowling with a fun guy, have sex with a

Inner Freak of a Single Woman

Every man I’ve ever dated has suffered my freakish proclivity for lip biting. I love the feel of lips next to mine. I love to caress it with my tongue. I love to tenderly kiss those puckers and when he least expects it I give it a good bite. The feel of those fleshy folds between my teeth just makes me smile and yeah … it tingles my feathers. The first initiation  propels him back to say “what the &%@#” as he checks for broken skin. But I’m an expert lip biter … I never break his skin … although my bites tend to break his pain threshold. Then I smile and he gets it. At that moment he’s been initiated to what will become our ritual for as long as our relationship will last. Lip biting is part of foreplay. He can’t do it to me, but I can do it to him as much as I want–that’s the rule. And I know it’s true love (although temporal) when he relents knowing that a bigger prize awaits once I get my fill of inflicting just a bit of pain. That’s my inner freak. What’s yours?

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

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Online Dating is it a Good Idea? Part 2

My quest to find true love took me on a digital journey of online dating sites. After weeks of looking at endless pictures and profiles, I was even more confused about the male species.

Here’s an example, I saw a cutie who called himself “screwyalniter“–now what could that name possibly imply? Yet, his profile states that he spoke three languages, he’s looking for a long-term relationship, he likes books and movies and his idea of a romantic first date is dinner and a long walk. If indeed he was this smart and sensitive, then why did he choose a name that made him sound like drill bit? Then there was “Coolonick” (now say that name out loud). That’s right–enema anyone? This

Blind Dating Tips

You know friends are having a pity party for you when they start to set you up on blind dates. You can either say no and stay home or say yes and take a chance. I’ve had my share of blind date hell, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on finding true love. In the meantime, here are some tips to keep in mind about blind dating.

Practice your poker face. Go in front of the mirror. Now imagine that your date looks like this guy. Now smile and say nice to meet you. Keep on practicing until your look of disgust transforms into a generic pleasantness. You’re in no position to judge him. Remember that looks are subjective. Another girl would probably think he’s a total hottie. Besides it’s not his fault he looks that way. What you should do is send your matchmaker friend an email virus for setting you up with a total “minzer.”

Carry a concealed weapon. You don’t know this guy. Crazies look and act normal on the outside, but they’re homicidal on the inside. You need protection just in case. Forget about pepper spray or taser guns. Looking for them inside your purse is like looking for your keys. And we all know what that’s like. You need to be a WELP (Woman with an Extremely Large Purse). Walloping your blind date with a purse full of books is a good way to defend yourself. The hardcover version of “Breakthrough” by Suzanne Summers combined with all the other thingamajigs you have in your purse can so some damage. But if you’re serious about self-protection then you’ll need a copy of the “Oxford English Dictionary.” He’ll be seeing stars when you whack him on the head with this lexicon. Tip: Aiming for the little head will have him talking like Mickey Mouse as he cowers away in pain.

Be cool. If your date turns out like this guy (fill in the blank face with your fantasy man), don’t get your panties in a bunch. There’s nothing worse than a woman with a constant I just hit the hottie lottery look on her face. Retain your composure even though your insides are turning cartwheels. He’s not yours yet. Smile, be nice, and avoid talking about religion, politics and especially marriage. Let him do the talking (guys like that) and just nod your head (who cares if you disagree with him). There’s plenty of time to be yourself once you’ve hooked him.

Good luck blind daters,

Lafemmeroar

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar