What men really mean

Ever wonder what men really mean?

Wonder no more. I’m here to give you the 101:

A man who criticizes the size of a woman’s ass is actually criticizing the shortcomings of his schlong.

A man who says “I can do better than you” is actually saying “I’m not good enough for you.”

When he says “I think we should see other people” what he means is that he wants to catch an STD, but he doesn’t want to give it to you.

When you see “your new guy” in an awkward moment and he shrugs you off by saying

Lies, lies, lies …

The best and the smartest have been victims of duplicity.

There are real good liars out there …

and there are some real good believers of lies.

It happens to the BEST and to the WORST of us.

Here are some example of how to detect when someone is “Pinocchionizing” you:

Shopping for a Man

A conversation with a friend about men gave me a new perspective about my single and never been wed-locked status.

BFF: We need to look for a man the way we shop for purses.

Lafemme: You mean find one on sale?

BFF: Yes. We need to find a good bargain but instead of looking for leather we need to look for good schlongs (she got that term from me).

The idea did make a lot of sense. After all I’m a great shopper. And if I were to apply my bargain shopping skills to schlong man shopping  I just might hit the jackpot! Is it possible? Could this be my year of finding “The Perfect Schlong” Mr. Right? After all ”Sale” doesn’t mean damaged:

It’s a Tag Virus and I love it!

Terri of Narcissist’s Blog tagged me so I’m your “It” Chick of the Day

Here are the rules:

1. You must post the rules. (Done)

2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged. (Done–sort of. I’m using the same questions from my last tag. I’d like to know just how many people would scratch their privates in public.)

3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post. (Done–sort of. I tagged the B.A.D. Club. We don’t have eleven members yet. Anyone interested in joining?)

4. Let them know you’ve tagged them! (Done!!!!)

Terri’s Questions:

1. If you were stranded on an island and could only bring one item from home what would it be? An umbrella. I don’t like exposing myself to the sun. I think I’m a vampire.
2. Beer or wine? Just call me a “whine-O”
3. Bacon or sausage? “Schlongsage” for sure!
4. If you could only eat one food item for the rest of your life what would it be?

I’ve been tagged

There’s a fun game going on. It’s called “Tag You’re It” and Amor’s Thoughts just tagged me.

Here are The Rules.

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Amor’s Questions:

1. What do you think happens when you die? I’ll most likely go to heaven if  the “Powers that be” forgive me for all my schlong and revenge posts. And when I become that spirit in the sky, I’ll become ubiquitous in the world wherein my consciousness will be one with mankind and I will have the ultimate understanding about life and existence. Although … this would be ironic because it’s too late to do anything about my newfound insight … this is the irony of life and death.
2. Creation vs Evolution? I believe in survival of the fittest! I was created by my parents, but I’ve evolved into a pragmatic dreamer who believes that dreams can turn into reality if you stay persistent in your goals and not let negativism put a monkey wrench in your progress. 
3. Will there ever be an end to suffering? No, because

Fighting for my right to make my own mistakes

In a world where words such as fairness and justice are open to interpretation I understand that such ideas can have varying meanings at varying degrees.

After all I think that earning a million dollars for merely waking up in the morning is “fair” but it’s a pipe dream unless the value of a millions dollars downgrades to about zilch.

It would be justice for anyone who has done me wrong to grow a third

Contacting the Dead

Wikimedia Commons - Gaspirtz

Your wife says she didn’t want to talk to you when she was alive and she doesn’t want to talk to you now.

Vote for Best Humor Blog at Bloggers Choice Awards.

Get the CCC Badge

Join the Crazy Chicks Club

Join the Crazy Freaks Club

Join the B.A.D Club

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

Dating Tips for Men

In the past I’ve given many chicks tips on how to laugh at the chaos, but now is the time to write a post dedicated to all the men out there.

Here are some tips on how to get out of sticky situations when it comes to the opposite sex. 

Next time a chick you’ve had sex with comes up to you and you just can’t remember her name tell her that you suffer from “Namenesia” the inability to remember names. Tell them that constant physical intimacy is part of the cure and you’re looking for a volunteer.

When you’re out on a date and want to weasel out of the check, just tell your date that you have “Nomullah” disease, which is the condition of never having any money. A chick with a heart of gold would be more than happy to throw down some dough for your steak dinner.

If your girlfriend gives you an ultimatum about commitment, tell her that you have “RPS” (Relationship Palpitation Syndrome), a condition that gives you heart pains when you hear the words: commitment, relationship, monogamy, marriage, exclusivity and etc. The only cure for this ailment is patience and understanding on her part and lots of sex with other women and

Rhyme and Reason of Divorce

Wikimedia Commons - PD-US

Let us make a pact and call it quits

These last days of turmoil has sent me into fits

With screaming and crying and stomping my feet

It’s no wonder that I’ve stayed up nights without any sleep

While you map out a life exciting and new

I am burdened with the past and happy memories are few

BUT WHEN you made the mistake of straying from me

Your betrayal comes with a hefty fee

Winter Sex Tips

When the weather is nipple pinching and schlong shrinking cold, here are some tips for heating things up in the boudoir.

A pair of Uggs make sexy fashion sense. Imagine your toasty feet dangling up in the air in a pair of these.

When he wants to blow sweet nothings in your ear tell him to put the blow of the heater down your way instead. There’s nothing like a gush of warm air to rev up your girly parts.

If you’re into BDSM switch the handcuffs for a warm pair of furrycuffs.