Private Celebration

When Medea’s husband

“mysteriously” disappeared,

she cried in public,

but this is what

she did in private.

How you can tell that a man loves you

He likes your “muffin top.”

He kisses you on the cheek when you’re doing the dishes.

You’re a stinky mess and he still wants to do it.

He gives you “thoughtful” gifts just because.

He notices the small things like how you curl your toes when you laugh.

His eyebrows lift up when he

How to Conduct a Relationship Exorcism

As a single, never been married Crazy Chick I am the self-proclaimed expert on relationship exorcisms. I have performed many and I’ve helped other chicks as well

You need a relationship exorcism when:

♦ you’ve become a zombie because his mind has taken over your whole being

♦ he’s turned from being your friend and lover to being your tormentor

♦ he thinks you’re a punching bag

♦ your credit card is maxed out from charges he made to P.O.R.N. (P@ssy Open and Ready Now)

Online Dating Misadventures Part 1

An old post for my new readers … 

Years ago I subscribed to an online dating site called e-Harmony. I answered their lengthy questionnaire and I received two matches of men whose profiles depicted them to be bitter and angry about the world and relationships. Did my matches from eHarmony want a woman or a punching bag? Was it me? Did my responses  (oh I don’t know) suggest that I’m a good match for such men?

Rhyme and Reason of Divorce

I was talking to a friend the other day who is getting divorced after MANY years of marriage. So I found this old post of mine. This poem is for her and for all the women who have been wronged by the man they loved …

Wikimedia Commons – PD-US

Let us make a pact and call it quits

These last days of turmoil has sent me into fits

With screaming and crying and stomping my feet

It’s no wonder that I’ve stayed up nights without any sleep

While you map out a life exciting and new

I am burdened with the past and happy memories are few

BUT WHEN you made the mistake of straying from me

Your betrayal comes with a hefty fee

Rhyme and Reason of Divorce

Wikimedia Commons - PD-US

Let us make a pact and call it quits

These last days of turmoil has sent me into fits

With screaming and crying and stomping my feet

It’s no wonder that I’ve stayed up nights without any sleep

While you map out a life exciting and new

I am burdened with the past and happy memories are few

BUT WHEN you made the mistake of straying from me

Your betrayal comes with a hefty fee

Trash Talk in Relationships

The Courting Phase:

Setting: Her apartment.

Time: The first date.

Him: Wow. You look great.

Her: Thanks. Give me a sec. I just need to throw out the trash then we can go.

Him: I’ll do that.

Her: Really? Are you sure?

Him: I don’t mind.

Her: How sweet.

Him: Anytime.

The Relationship Phase:

The Crying Adulterer

I once knew this man, a good family friend and a known philanderer, who compartmentalized his life so successfully that despite his “sextracurricular” activities, his marriage remained peaceful. There were no rumors of problems or fights and when I saw him with his wife they always seemed very content. And when I saw him with his mistress du jour, he seemed very content.

For their 25th anniversary, the couple decided to renew their vows. The philanderer cried when he recited his pledges of loyalty, devotion and love. He became so emotional that he had to stop numerous times to wipe away the tears. Was this an act? Could an insurance salesman easily summon up such waterworks? I looked around for reactions. Some were touched and some were surprised. I was confused.

5 Ways To Repel A Man

There is a phenomenon called the “minzer syndrome,” the condition of attracting men you are not attracted to. Don’t even try to understand it. Just accept the irony that in your quest to find “the one,” you can’t seem to hide from “the unwanted.” This guy plagues your existence like a pimple on your nose, or those extra ten pounds that won’t go away no matter how much you exercise.

He’s that annoying co-worker who sticks around you like a Post-it. He’s the acquaintance that keeps calling you for a date, and you don’t know how the hell he keeps getting your number even though you’ve changed it three times. He’s the helpful guy who thinks he’s your boyfriend just because he once unclogged your kitchen sink. You know the kind–relentless and clueless. You’ve tried to be polite. Subtly is Latin to him. You’ve said “NO.” You’ve told him you just want to be friends. You dream of UMR (Unwanted Man Repellent), but it hasn’t been invented. To get rid of him, you must imagine yourself a warrior. Battle will require great sacrifice of your body, mind and yes, even your reputation. But these are minor considering the ultimate victory of eradicating him from your life.

Here are five sure ways to repel the “unwanted man.”

1. Abandon hygiene (I told you there’d be sacrifices). Don’t brush your teeth or bathe for a week. Hell, make it a couple of weeks. Wear clothes so filthy that they’ve become a breeding ground for new bacteria. And when you’re nice and ripe agree to meet him for coffee.

2. Divert his interest. Introduce him to your frenemy. Tell your frenemy that he’s just won the lottery and tell him that she’s been dying to hook up with him and she likes to do threesomes with her cousin.

3. Do guy stuff in front of him. Scratch your crotch. Pick your nose. Harness a lugee deep in your gullet and challenge him to a spitting contest. Fart while you’re eating and laugh about it. If you find yourself at his place, use his bathroom, take a nice long dump, then forget to flush. This might challenge your sense of proper etiquette, but you’ve got to act and think out of your box if you want to win the war.

4. Tell him that you’re in the last phase of your sex reassignment surgery and he has the honor of popping your cherry. I know, I know, you don’t want this untruth getting around, but you can set the record straight once he’s gone.

5. If all the above fails, this last tip will have him running from you like an Olympic sprinter.

Tell him: “I really want to get married.” 

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Online Dating is it a Good Idea? Part 1

Years ago I subscribed to an online dating site called e-Harmony. I answered their lengthy questionnaire and I received two matches of men whose profiles depicted them to be bitter and angry about the world and relationships. Did my matches from eHarmony want a woman or a punching bag? Was it me? Did my responses  (oh I don’t know) suggest that I’m a good match for such men?