November 21, 2013 14 Comments
August 8, 2013 17 Comments
My raging appetite is like a randy man-whore constantly out on the prowl for his next piece of bootie.
Excess is never good, which is why I’ve tried to tame my lust for food with simple self-control. If I want cheesecake, I eat a slice instead of two. If I want ice cream, I have a scoop instead of three. If I’m craving pasta, I have one serving instead of several. My onsies food strategy worked and I looked svelte without the SPANX. Read more of this post
March 26, 2013 20 Comments
An oldie but it still rings true … read and find out why:
A recent conversation with a very distraught and angry friend got me thinking about the damage women can do to men. Recently dumped by his girlfriend he ranted about how women are nothing but sneaky, gold digging liars who destroy men’s lives. I didn’t argue over his generalization or that he was talking to a woman. He was in too much pain to be challenged.
Basically, he bought her a new car, new boobs, a new nose and now she’s got a new man. She was a goddamn femme fatale he said. I had met the woman. So, I told him about the four types of femme fatale and since he’s a film buff I used a few movie references to support my descriptions
The Classic Femme Fatale in film noir seduces the man to commit the crime. In “Double Indemnity” Barbara Stanwyck two-times Fred MacMurray, but not before she convinces him to murder her husband. He couldn’t resist her so he killed for her. Classic femmes use their sexuality to compromise a man’s morality and ethics for a piece of prime tail that these men unknowingly have to share. Read more of this post
February 23, 2013 33 Comments
One of my first posts on WordPress when I still ate ice cream …
Ever been called a bitch and felt insulted?
I just got home from the grocery store where I was “debating” with an obstinate cashier over the price of Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. I told him that it was two for five dollars and he claimed that it wasn’t. So the cashier sent the bagger to do a price check. While we were waiting, the man behind me insisted that I should let him go ahead of me in line since he only had one item, a big bottle of Jim Beam. His breath stank of alcohol and he smelled beyond ripe. Read more of this post
November 25, 2012 35 Comments
Thanksgiving took a toll on my body. I ate and drank as if it were the last day on earth.When I woke up Friday I found a note on my pillow.
Dear Lafemme,After months of eating healthy you finally cleansed your body of the toxins you’ve been polluting it with for most of your life. And in one day you ruined all that hard work by opening your pie hole to all that fatty food loaded with butter, eggs and who knows what else. To top it off, you imbibed so much booze that you were barely able to walk straight at the end of the night. What kind of way is that to treat your inner organs? Do you want to end up looking like a crazy chick version of this
Have you no shame? Read more of this post
November 11, 2012 20 Comments
This morning my girlfriend and her two kids (a cute little three and a half-year old girl hellion and a brooding 16-year-old boy) came over to pick me up for breakfast at IHOP. I was running late as usual so I let them in and finished drying my hair in the bathroom. When I turned off the dryer I heard the little hellion yelling “baby baton, baby baton.”
The hellion was running from my bedroom down the hall and in her hand was my newly purchased (and thankfully unused) Slender Wonder vibrator. The hellion then stopped running, inspected the “baby baton” and turned the pink nub. The baby baton started to buzz to which the hellion continued her parade and began to chant “buzzing baby baton, buzzing baby baton.” I ran after her, but I wasn’t quick enough for she jumped on her brooding brother’s lap, who was sitting in the living room texting. She waved my Slender Wonder in front of his face. I was mortified. He looked confused. Then the hellion dropped my Slender Wonder on his lap Read more of this post
November 7, 2012 8 Comments
Warning: This recipe doesn’t involve any schlongs–so guys relax … ya know I luv ya.
Once again, I am featuring one of my favorite You Tubers out there — The Sweetest Vegan.
She is making a decadent vegan chocolate mousse recipe with a secret ingredient. I’ve made this recipe and it’s YUMMYLICIOUS! You need to watch the entire video because she has some funny outtakes. Read more of this post
October 26, 2012 21 Comments
In my perfect world:
the more you eat the less you’ll weigh
the drive-thru lane always gets your order right
there are no cosmetic surgeons because wrinkles don’t exist
children are happy, loved, nurtured and educated
soldiers will carry tambourines and daisies instead of guns and bombs
politicians will think about the people instead of the next election
I can have an orgasm just by thinking about it and it will last for as long as I want it to …
Lady Gaga looks human and not like an alien Read more of this post