Lafemmeroarism #12 — Sweet Cravings

When Sweet Cravings are Threatening Your Waistline.

A Crazy Chick’s Version of a Perfect World

In my perfect world:

the more you eat the less you’ll weigh

the drive-thru lane always gets your order right

there are no cosmetic surgeons because wrinkles don’t exist

children are happy, loved, nurtured and educated

soldiers will carry tambourines and daisies instead of guns and bombs

politicians will think about the people instead of the next election

I can have an orgasm just by thinking about it and it will last for as long as I want it to …

Lady Gaga looks human and not like an alien

Weight Loss Revelations

Wikimedia Commons--Circus Divas Illustrations Gallery--

I’ve had an ongoing battle with food

since I was old enough to chew. I love

to eat and portion control is Latin to

me. Before I turned 40 I could eat

anything and I continued to win the

battle. Lately, my losses“have gained,”

but I don’t want to lose the war.

My weight loss revelation came when I said this to myself ...

  

You know you need to lose weight when:

Your muffin top has become a soufflé that won’t deflate

Your fat pants have become your skinny pants

Jabba the Hutt looks like a size medium compared to you

Your undies

Why I love IKEA

Wikimedia Commons

It’s BIG–Who needs a gym membership when I can speed walk throughout the store.

Wikimedia Commons

CHEAP EATS

The Devil Made Me Eat It

My raging appetite is like a randy man-whore constantly out on the prowl for his next piece of bootie.

Excess is never good, which is why I’ve tried to tame my lust for food with simple self-control. If I want cheesecake, I eat a slice instead of two. If I want ice cream, I have a scoop instead of three. If I’m craving pasta, I have one serving instead of several. My onsies food strategy worked and I looked svelte without the SPANX. 

My Favorite Movie Quotes Re-Written My Way

As a movie lover and writer, I’ve taken the liberty to rewrite some of my favorite movie quotes to express my issues and neurosis in life.

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“Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don’t be stingy, baby.”                             Greta Garbo, “Anna Christie,” (1930)

Gimme a chocolate cake with ice cream on top. And make that a double.

Reading and Eating: Balance for a Healthy Mind and Body

Years ago some “Mr. Know it all” approached me, while I was reading a book and eating a bag of chips inside the student lounge. He looked at me and said, “Reading is like eating. You can’t get anything out of junk, but junk itself.” Was his comment a criticism of my weight, my mind … or both? Since he was a know it all, I took his advice. I put away the latest bestseller, threw away the chips and soda (just in case he was referring to my weight), and began my journey to nourish my mind and my body.

Food Fetish of my Blind Date

My happily married sister, a real estate agent, set me up on a blind date with a former client. He called me and for the next few days we talked for hours about film, books, music and being single in our forties. He’s divorced, no kids,  a technical writer and a self-proclaimed foodie. Our verbal dynamics promised a prosperous first date. I wasn’t expecting a love match, but I wasn’t expecting what I got either.

Four Types of Femme Fatales

A recent conversation with a very distraught and angry friend got me thinking about the damage women can do to men. Recently dumped by his girlfriend he ranted about how women are nothing but sneaky, gold digging liars who destroy men’s lives. I didn’t argue over his generalization or that he was talking to a woman. He was in too much pain to be challenged. Basically, he bought her a new car, new boobs, a new nose and now she’s got a new man. She was a goddamn femme fatale he said. I had met the woman. So, I told him about the four types of femme fatale and since he’s a film buff I used a few movie references to support my descriptions.

Proud to be a Bitch

Ever been called a bitch and felt insulted?

I just got home from the grocery store where I was “debating” with an obstinate cashier over the price of Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. I told him that it was two for five dollars and he claimed that it wasn’t. So the cashier sent the bagger to do a price check. While we were waiting, the man behind me insisted that I should let him go ahead of me in line since he only had one item, a big bottle of Jim Beam. His breath stank of alcohol and he smelled beyond ripe.