Secrets about Turkeys Revealed

It’s that time of year when turkeys are served to carnivores who will stuff themselves to the point of needing a good nap.

Before they’re roasted, deep fried, trussed and dressed these big birds make a pilgrimage to the Fowl Capital of the World–Fowlutopia home of the St. Cluck Cathedral, a place where turkeys who want to go to Fowl Heaven will confess and be absolved of their sins.

Father Jack Turkey (FJT) who has been listening to turkey confessions is breaking his silence. What Father Jack Turkey knows about his own kind has been kept a secret from the human population but I’ve got the exclusive interview here:

Lafemme: You were recently involved in a scandal that caused your removal from St. Cluck. Can you tell us about that?

FJT: I was caught cross-species fornicating

A Crazy Chick’s Version of a Perfect World

In my perfect world:

the more you eat the less you’ll weigh

the drive-thru lane always gets your order right

there are no cosmetic surgeons because wrinkles don’t exist

children are happy, loved, nurtured and educated

soldiers will carry tambourines and daisies instead of guns and bombs

politicians will think about the people instead of the next election

I can have an orgasm just by thinking about it and it will last for as long as I want it to …

Lady Gaga looks human and not like an alien

Embarrassing Celebrity and Political News

Lafemmeroar here giving you the latest malfunctions of the universe for your entertainment:

The Battle of Two Chefs

Wikimedia Commons-- WNYC New York Public Radio. Cropped and edited by Daniel Case--cc-by-2.0

Food Network star and reigning queen of butter Paula Deen recently received news that she is being sued by Anthony Bourdain, the infamous host of “No Reservations” on the Travel Channel. Bourdain alleges that Deen purposely sat on his right hand and broke it in five places during a press junket for the “Food is Good” documentary. “I heard it crack once her ass sat on it. How am I going to sign autographs now? What’s worse is that I use my right hand to flip people off.” Bourdain said to reporters. “This is what eating excessive amounts of butter will do to you and those around you,” Bourdain states.

Deen’s sons rallied around their mama with the oldest Jaime saying that

How to Make a Human Burrito

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Aurora this is for you:

1 former BFF (preferably one who betrayed you and/or messed around with your ex)

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2 scotch bonnet peppers (one of the hottest on earth)

1 real strong and thick rope

1 bottle of wine (the cheaper the better)

1 neuromuscular blocking drug (date rape or those things they call a mickey–not the mouse)

1 king sized flat sheet

Instructions:

Invite your former BFF for drinks and tell her you want to bury the “hatchet.”

When she arrives offer her a drink.

Dump the pill in her glass and stir with your dirty middle finger. Make sure she doesn’t see you do this.

Make sure she drinks the whole thing and offer her another for good measure.

Wait about five minutes. You’ll know that the pill has taken effect when she has that duh look in her eyes and her whole body is paralyzed. Don’t worry she’ll still be conscious as it’s best to keep the ingredient “aware” for the next step.

Slice the scotch bonnets in half.

You may rant during this process as the victim ingredient will be fully conscious and you might as well tell her what you really think. After all, her pie hole is paralyzed so she won’t be able to talk back.

Marinate her eyes by rubbing them with the peppers.

Wrap her in the sheet making sure to tuck the ends under as you roll. Then tie her up like you would a stuffed pork tenderloin.

Once you’ve got her nice and bundled up put her in the trunk of your car.

Drive to the nearest steel mill (make sure this step is done in the middle of the night) and dump the body burrito in a big vat of liquid steel.

Then high tail it outta there and hope that no one saw you.

Enjoy

Disclaimer: The above recipe is for entertainment purposes only.  Any similarity of the first ingredient to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “execution” of this recipe.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

Recipes for a Better Life

Detox Cocktail

1 part strength to boot him to the curb

1 part courage to live life alone (for a while)

2 parts hope that you’ll find a good guy–even if it takes years

6 good friends to talk to (optional)

and a whole lot of self-esteem (a must)

Instructions: Take a deep breath and execute the first ingredient as swiftly as you can. Then quickly develop the courage to be alone and blend with hope. Shake it up with some friends and bitch
to them some more about what you should have done ages ago. Now, dust yourself from head to toe with a whole lot of self-esteem.

No Date Cake

Inventive thoughts … from a crazy chick

Great inventions from great minds:

Popsicle: In 1905 Frank Epperson left his soft drink with a stirring stick inside it out in the cold and the next day voilà the “Eppsicle” now known as a popsicle was created.

**What do you get when you leave a horny dude out in the cold all night long? A

Why Keeping Your Mouth Shut is the Best Revenge

While at the bulk nuts section of my favorite specialty grocery store, I was scooping unsalted pepitas in a plastic bag when I heard three consecutive hey yous. I turned around and the guy behind me said  your purse is open and your wallet is about to fall. I looked at my bag and realized he was right. What a nice man I thought. So I quickly closed my purse and thanked him. He responded with a whatever, shook his head and walked away. So, I continued my shopping thankful of the averted pecuniary disaster and headed to the

Why I love IKEA

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It’s BIG–Who needs a gym membership when I can speed walk throughout the store.

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CHEAP EATS

The Devil Made Me Eat It

My raging appetite is like a randy man-whore constantly out on the prowl for his next piece of bootie.

Excess is never good, which is why I’ve tried to tame my lust for food with simple self-control. If I want cheesecake, I eat a slice instead of two. If I want ice cream, I have a scoop instead of three. If I’m craving pasta, I have one serving instead of several. My onsies food strategy worked and I looked svelte without the SPANX. 

Blooming romance at the grocery store

Just when I thought chivalry was dead, a tasty piece of beefcake, who looked like Keanu Reeves and Tom Selleck hybridized in one luscious body, let me go in front of him at the grocery store line. I said thank you and he said no problem. I thought he was too busy re-arranging the various “whatevers” inside his cart to notice me, but when he flashed a dimpled smile my way, my mind conjured images of Keanu and Tom ala threesome.