The Man from Malutopia–A Story of Genital Proportions

In the world of Malutopia lived an alpha male named Zeuks Strong. From his swagger and his muscles to his talent in seduction, Zeuks represented all that is manly and good in Malutopia. Zeuks along with his fellows schlongers Dionassus, Pervinsky, and Dickends worked, played and lived up to the Malutopia philosophy: Spread your seed for your need to breed. Read more of this post

The Crazy Chick Revenge

The Crazy Chick Revenge

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 10.59.16 PMHe’s hurt you. Your heart feels like hamburger meat that’s been thrown to the dogs and your self-esteem has gone on vacation on the lonely island of self-pity. We’ve all been through the hell of hurt by a bad SCHLONG. And yes, despite the benevolence of heart we try to embody, it feels damn good to ruminate on the malevolence of REVENGE.

I’ve often ruminated on the orgasmic thought of getting even. And if we didn’t have the police and if there weren’t such a thing as Karma, or a conscience—oh the things I would have liked to do to some of the SCHLONGS I’ve known.

Read more of this post

Four Types of Femme Fatales

An oldie but it still rings true … read and find out why:

A recent conversation with a very distraught and angry friend got me thinking about the damage women can do to men. Recently dumped by his girlfriend he ranted about how women are nothing but sneaky, gold digging liars who destroy men’s lives. I didn’t argue over his generalization or that he was talking to a woman. He was in too much pain to be challenged.

via IMDB

via IMDB

Basically, he bought her a new car, new boobs, a new nose and now she’s got a new man. She was a goddamn femme fatale he said. I had met the woman. So, I told him about the four types of femme fatale and since he’s a film buff I used a few movie references to support my descriptions
The Classic Femme Fatale in film noir seduces the man to commit the crime. In “Double Indemnity” Barbara Stanwyck two-times Fred MacMurray, but not before she convinces him to murder her husband. He couldn’t resist her so he killed for her. Classic femmes use their sexuality to compromise a man’s morality and ethics for a piece of prime tail that these men unknowingly have to share. Read more of this post

What men really mean

Ever wonder what men really mean?

Wonder no more. I’m here to give you the 101:

A man who criticizes the size of a woman’s ass is actually criticizing the shortcomings of his schlong.

A man who says “I can do better than you” is actually saying “I’m not good enough for you.”

When he says “I think we should see other people” what he means is that he wants to catch an STD, but he doesn’t want to give it to you.

When you see “your new guy” in an awkward moment and he shrugs you off by saying Read more of this post

Love, Betrayal and Venereal Disease over Cocktails

Screen Shot 2011-10-04 at 11.25.58 PMI had drinks with two friends from high school “E” and “N” the other day. After a round of drinks the talk as always, when three crazy chicks get together, got into relationships. Since my love life is as dry as the Sahara desert on a drought and “N‘s” been married forever, which is why she’s more interested in tech gadgets these days, the conversation turned to “E‘s” love life. Here’s the DL.

She dated this guy who gave her his email password so she can check on their hotel reservations for an upcoming vacation. First of all SCHLONGS never give a chick your password unless you REALLY have nothing to hide. Well … so what’s a girl to do with all access to her boyfriend’s email? Well …

“SNOOPYMAIL” of course” Read more of this post

Searching

cropped-screen-shot-2010-04-25-at-1-42-55-pm.jpgMany lives have been crossed

In time, In space, In search

Of the haunting unknown

Whether it be cruel

Gracious or unfeeling Read more of this post

Proud to be a Bitch

Angry chick

One of my first posts on WordPress when I still ate ice cream …  

Ever been called a bitch and felt insulted?

I just got home from the grocery store where I was “debating” with an obstinate cashier over the price of Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. I told him that it was two for five dollars and he claimed that it wasn’t. So the cashier sent the bagger to do a price check. While we were waiting, the man behind me insisted that I should let him go ahead of me in line since he only had one item, a big bottle of Jim Beam. His breath stank of alcohol and he smelled beyond ripe. Read more of this post

Hold my Hand–A Poem

Hold my hand and be my love

Together we travel toward long yearned happiness

Where days and nights filled “with us” are the only matters

Making our waiting worth the restless uncertainty 

♥♥♥

Hold my hand and let us forget past mistakes

Together we heal the wounds of our Read more of this post

I love the bad boys …

He makes you feel squishy and gooey in all the right places. He’s tough, he’s dangerous and he’s hot. Bad boys make our blood boil and quiver our delicate loins. We know they’re not good for us, but why do we find them so damn irresistible?

He wasn’t very tall and he had funny looking ears, but the way Clark Gable swept Vivien Leigh up those stairs in “Gone with the Wind” makes my heart go pitter patter and other lady parts as well.  Read more of this post

I Don’t Need a Man

I was talking to my friend the other day and I mentioned that I’d been in a rather moody mood. When was the last time you got any he asked. Any what? (I was playing dumb) You know … sex … he said. Oh that …Well that’s kind of a tricky question I said. That means no he said and added that’s because you’re a dragon lady.

I couldn’t argue with him on that one … it’s not the first time I’ve been called a “fire breather.” Read more of this post

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