I Don’t Need a Man

I was talking to my friend the other day and I mentioned that I’d been in a rather moody mood. When was the last time you got any he asked. Any what? (I was playing dumb) You know … sex … he said. Oh that …Well that’s kind of a tricky question I said. That means no he said and added that’s because you’re a dragon lady.

I couldn’t argue with him on that one … it’s not the first time I’ve been called a “fire breather.”

Private Celebration

When Medea’s husband

“mysteriously” disappeared,

she cried in public,

but this is what

she did in private.

How you can tell that a man loves you

He likes your “muffin top.”

He kisses you on the cheek when you’re doing the dishes.

You’re a stinky mess and he still wants to do it.

He gives you “thoughtful” gifts just because.

He notices the small things like how you curl your toes when you laugh.

His eyebrows lift up when he

Advice for Bad Men

A fellow blogger named Eric is such a fan of my “whacky” blog that he took it upon himself to write today’s post. Make sure to visit his blog http://ericmvogt.wordpress.com. He writes poetry and short stories

♦♦♦♦

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lafemme. She kept getting approached by tall, dark handsome men. They would go out for a while and then turn into schlongs. Then she finally decided that it was just not worth it to be a schlong magnet. She would make some money off of it. So she started a syndicated newspaper article called Dear Schlabby.

She would direct all schlongs there for advice. She was really, really good at it, too. She saved many schlongs from beschlongings (sort of like a beheading but with a different organ). This was the first schlong to answer and start her adventure into tabloid stardom:

Rhyme and Reason of Divorce

I was talking to a friend the other day who is getting divorced after MANY years of marriage. So I found this old post of mine. This poem is for her and for all the women who have been wronged by the man they loved …

Wikimedia Commons – PD-US

Let us make a pact and call it quits

These last days of turmoil has sent me into fits

With screaming and crying and stomping my feet

It’s no wonder that I’ve stayed up nights without any sleep

While you map out a life exciting and new

I am burdened with the past and happy memories are few

BUT WHEN you made the mistake of straying from me

Your betrayal comes with a hefty fee

From Hell to Pleasure–A Poem

Oh no! Save me!

 

{Dear Friends … it’s been a while, so here’s a re-post of a poem in honor of Halloween}

 

Twas all Hallows Eve and all through the house

I heard creepy noises could it be a mouse?

I checked all the rooms and down through the hall

Then I heard it tap tapping right through the wall

My heart filled with fright and I ran to the door

Ready to scream then I tripped on the floor

I lifted my head and out came a creature

It looked like a monster from some sci-fi feature

Rhyme and Reason of Divorce

Wikimedia Commons - PD-US

Let us make a pact and call it quits

These last days of turmoil has sent me into fits

With screaming and crying and stomping my feet

It’s no wonder that I’ve stayed up nights without any sleep

While you map out a life exciting and new

I am burdened with the past and happy memories are few

BUT WHEN you made the mistake of straying from me

Your betrayal comes with a hefty fee

Trash Talk in Relationships

The Courting Phase:

Setting: Her apartment.

Time: The first date.

Him: Wow. You look great.

Her: Thanks. Give me a sec. I just need to throw out the trash then we can go.

Him: I’ll do that.

Her: Really? Are you sure?

Him: I don’t mind.

Her: How sweet.

Him: Anytime.

The Relationship Phase:

From Hell to Pleasure–A Poem

Oh no! Save me!

 

Twas all Hallows Eve and all through the house

I heard creepy noises could it be a mouse?

I checked all the rooms and down through the hall

Then I heard it tap tapping right through the wall

My heart filled with fright and I ran to the door

Ready to scream then I tripped on the floor

I lifted my head and out came a creature

It looked like a monster from some sci-fi feature

The Crying Adulterer

I once knew this man, a good family friend and a known philanderer, who compartmentalized his life so successfully that despite his “sextracurricular” activities, his marriage remained peaceful. There were no rumors of problems or fights and when I saw him with his wife they always seemed very content. And when I saw him with his mistress du jour, he seemed very content.

For their 25th anniversary, the couple decided to renew their vows. The philanderer cried when he recited his pledges of loyalty, devotion and love. He became so emotional that he had to stop numerous times to wipe away the tears. Was this an act? Could an insurance salesman easily summon up such waterworks? I looked around for reactions. Some were touched and some were surprised. I was confused.