November 7, 2012 8 Comments
November 11, 2011 79 Comments
I got this email from a reader and I thought I’d share it with you:
I’ve been perusing your blog and noticed your posts about schlongs. You seem obsessed with this body part. Are you just angry at the schlong population in general or do you have penis envy? What’s all this whacking of schlongs in some of your poems? And what’s up with your recipes anyway? You’re not a cook. I haven’t seen one single recipe in your site that one can actually eat unless they’re cannibals. Imagine the consequences if the wrong person read your recipe on “How to Make a Human Burrito.” And for the record my ex-girlfriend read your Detox Recipe and now I’m homeless. In fact I had to sweet talk a chick into borrowing her laptop so I can write you this email. Despite your disclaimers “some people” actually believe what you write Read more of this post
October 7, 2011 32 Comments
Aurora this is for you:
1 former BFF (preferably one who betrayed you and/or messed around with your ex)
2 scotch bonnet peppers (one of the hottest on earth)
1 real strong and thick rope
1 bottle of wine (the cheaper the better)
1 neuromuscular blocking drug (date rape or those things they call a mickey–not the mouse)
1 king sized flat sheet
Invite your former BFF for drinks and tell her you want to bury the “hatchet.”
When she arrives offer her a drink.
Dump the pill in her glass and stir with your dirty middle finger. Make sure she doesn’t see you do this.
Make sure she drinks the whole thing and offer her another for good measure.
Wait about five minutes. You’ll know that the pill has taken effect when she has that duh look in her eyes and her whole body is paralyzed. Don’t worry she’ll still be conscious as it’s best to keep the ingredient “aware” for the next step.
Slice the scotch bonnets in half.
You may rant during this process as the
victim ingredient will be fully conscious and you might as well tell her what you really think. After all, her pie hole is paralyzed so she won’t be able to talk back.
Marinate her eyes by rubbing them with the peppers.
Wrap her in the sheet making sure to tuck the ends under as you roll. Then tie her up like you would a stuffed pork tenderloin.
Once you’ve got her nice and bundled up put her in the trunk of your car.
Drive to the nearest steel mill (make sure this step is done in the middle of the night) and dump the
body burrito in a big vat of liquid steel.
Then high tail it outta there and hope that no one saw you.
Disclaimer: The above recipe is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity of the first ingredient to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “execution” of this recipe.
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© 2011 Lafemmeroar
October 5, 2011 39 Comments
1 part strength to boot him to the curb
1 part courage to live life alone (for a while)
2 parts hope that you’ll find a good guy–even if it takes years
6 good friends to talk to (optional)
and a whole lot of self-esteem (a must)
Instructions: Take a deep breath and execute the first ingredient as swiftly as you can. Then quickly develop the courage to be alone and blend with hope. Shake it up with some friends and bitch
to them some more about what you should have done ages ago. Now, dust yourself from head to toe with a whole lot of self-esteem.