I Don’t Need a Man

I was talking to my friend the other day and I mentioned that I’d been in a rather moody mood. When was the last time you got any he asked. Any what? (I was playing dumb) You know … sex … he said. Oh that …Well that’s kind of a tricky question I said. That means no he said and added that’s because you’re a dragon lady.

I couldn’t argue with him on that one … it’s not the first time I’ve been called a “fire breather.”

Insulting Blog Comments Make Me Wanna Rant

The other day, a commentator from another blog called me “immature” and “vapid.” This was because “said” blog  posted a “rebuttal” about one of my posts.

If you’re thinking why is Lafemme being so cryptic?

We want to know what post she’s talking about!

Well … let me just say that the post in reference had nothing to do with “schlong whackings” in fact it was a rather sweet post about a man’s love … investigative noodles will figure this out. Anyway, I was okay with the “immature” comment since I’ve always believed that I’m a “mental” 12 year old … my noodle just refuses to EVOLVE.

I’ve been 12 for decades!

BUT VAPID? First I didn’t know what the hell that word meant, but all I know is that I felt soooooo

Is it the Man’s Fault?

Is it the man’s fault …

if he can’t keep his schlong in his pants?

if he says he’ll call and never does?

if he says he’s single, but he’s got the baggage of a wife and three kids?

if he’s broke ’cause he’s too lazy to work?

if he’s not ready for a commitment, but he’s committed to a

Advice for Bad Men

A fellow blogger named Eric is such a fan of my “whacky” blog that he took it upon himself to write today’s post. Make sure to visit his blog http://ericmvogt.wordpress.com. He writes poetry and short stories

♦♦♦♦

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lafemme. She kept getting approached by tall, dark handsome men. They would go out for a while and then turn into schlongs. Then she finally decided that it was just not worth it to be a schlong magnet. She would make some money off of it. So she started a syndicated newspaper article called Dear Schlabby.

She would direct all schlongs there for advice. She was really, really good at it, too. She saved many schlongs from beschlongings (sort of like a beheading but with a different organ). This was the first schlong to answer and start her adventure into tabloid stardom:

How to Conduct a Relationship Exorcism

As a single, never been married Crazy Chick I am the self-proclaimed expert on relationship exorcisms. I have performed many and I’ve helped other chicks as well

You need a relationship exorcism when:

♦ you’ve become a zombie because his mind has taken over your whole being

♦ he’s turned from being your friend and lover to being your tormentor

♦ he thinks you’re a punching bag

♦ your credit card is maxed out from charges he made to P.O.R.N. (P@ssy Open and Ready Now)

Confessions of a Turkey

It’s Thanksgiving and turkeys are fearing for their lives again!

Before they’re roasted, deep fried, trussed and dressed these big birds make a pilgrimage to Fowlutopia, home of the St. Cluck Cathedral, a place where turkeys who want to go to Fowl Heaven will confess and be absolved of their sins.

Father Jack Turkey (FJT) who has been listening to turkey confessions is breaking his silence. What Father Jack Turkey knows about his own kind has been kept a secret from the human population but I’ve got the exclusive interview here:

Lafemme: You were recently involved in a scandal that caused your removal from St. Cluck. Can you tell us about that?

FJT: I was caught cross-species fornicating

What the Rich Think About the Poor

It Strikes Me as Odd — A Fable

Wikimedia Commons

Once upon a time in a place called Nowhere during the era of Ubiquity were two women having tea and scones in an elegant and dainty café.

“It strikes me as odd that the color of money is green,” Aye Whole said as she put a piece of scone in her mouth.

“I think it would be much prettier if it were rainbow-colored don’t you?” said her friend Fallow Weir.

“No. As someone who has a lot of money, I can without a doubt say that money would be much more pleasantly held in my hands if it were a different color. Say the color of gold for the rich and brown for the poor.”

“Why brown for the poor?” Fallow asked while stirring her tea.

“Because brown is the color of excrement,” replied Aye. “And everything the poor touches in a sense turns into excrement. And it should be gold for the rich because we have the

Conversations with a Schlong

Schlong: Hey Lafemme. You talk about schlongs so much I think you have penis envy.

Lafemme: Neh, you’re the one who should have penis envy.

Schlong: Why is that?

Lafemme: I heard that your schlong is the size of an engorged clitoris!

Why I Love Driving in Traffic

Wikimedia Commons Photography by: [http://www.fotografar.net Osvaldo Gago] {{cc-by-sa-2.5}} Category:Traffic

You can listen to your favorite tunes and forget that you haven’t moved in the last 15 minutes.

You can make friends with that hunky traffic cop who gave you a ticket for talking on your cell phone.

Once you’re on bumper to bumper traffic, you can fiddle with your radio settings then almost get into an accident because you weren’t watching the road. But what’s the point you’re not going anywhere anyway!

Kids are sweet when they lie

I asked my 12-year-old nephew if he will still let me kiss him and pinch his cheeks when he’s 30. He gave me a WTF look, but he nodded his head and said yes. What man, at the prime of life would want an old crazy chick pinching his cheeks in front of a “chickadee”? But he couldn’t hurt my feelings. Kids are so sweet when they lie …

In trying to get my niece and nephew to eat more vegetables, I gave them a tall glass of spinach and parsley smoothie. When I asked them if it was good, they both chimed in and said “it’s really good Auntie Lafemme” even though they both looked like they were about to HURL. But they