The Devil Made Me Eat It

My raging appetite is like a randy man-whore constantly out on the prowl for his next piece of bootie.

Excess is never good, which is why I’ve tried to tame my lust for food with simple self-control. If I want cheesecake, I eat a slice instead of two. If I want ice cream, I have a scoop instead of three. If I’m craving pasta, I have one serving instead of several. My onsies food strategy worked and I looked svelte without the SPANXRead more of this post

Health, Excess and Holiday Stress

Thanksgiving took a toll on my body. I ate and drank as if it were the last day on earth.When I woke up Friday I found a note on my pillow.

***

Dear Lafemme,

By Tibor Végh (Tenerife 2010 124.JPG) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

After months of eating healthy you finally cleansed your body of the toxins you’ve been polluting it with for most of your life. And in one day you ruined all that hard work by opening your pie hole to all that fatty food loaded with butter, eggs and who knows what else. To top it off, you imbibed so much booze that you were barely able to walk straight at the end of the night. What kind of way is that to treat your inner organs? Do you want to end up looking like a crazy chick version of this whale man on the beach?

Have you no shame? Read more of this post

Crazy Chick vs. Normal Chick

Normal Chick: Do you think I’m fat?

Crazy Chick: No, but you need a new mirror, that one is a liar

♥♥♥

Normal Chick: I can’t live without him! Why did he leave me. My life is over …. boohoo, boohoo, boohoo …

Crazy Chick: Think of this as Read more of this post

Unconscious Eating

Have you ever wolfed down a double bacon cheeseburger with fries and washed it down with a shake then said to yourself “What did I just do”?

Ever looked at a chocolate cake and said NO, but helped yourself to 3 slices anyway, then felt guilty after eating the last bite?

Ever sat in front of the television with the munchies then felt sick at the realization that you’ve just eaten a pound of Doritos just 15 minutes into the movie?

Ever said to yourself “This is the first day of my diet” only to procrastinate it and realize that the “first day” was supposed to be three weeks ago?

Has a pint of ice cream “demonized” you at the grocery store, then realize that while that creamy goodness is like heaven on your lips it’s hell on your hips?

Ever ordered a large double cheese pizza with everything on it and ate the whole pie all by your lonesome?

Ever had a hunger level of 1, but ate like you had a hunger level of 10, then looked at the scale and said to yourself where did those extra 10 pounds come from?

If you answered YES (I know I have) to any of the above, then you suffer from Read more of this post

New Words in the English Dictionary

Here are the latest words added to the English Dictionary: 

Cougarland: A place for cougars, usually a frat party or sports bar, to find no strings sex with a younger guy. “Ladies pack lots of condoms, we’re going to Cougarland … yay … yay … yay!”

Yeah Right: A pseudo documentary where producers put wackos in contrived life situations that will bring the diarrhea out of their personalities. “The stench of television is due to the extreme popularity of Yeah Rights.”

TUT (TotallyUn-Talented): A term used to describe television personalities devoid of artistic or intellectual value. “I put my brain in a jar when I watch TUTs on the “A-List New York.” or “The Kardashians received the TUT statue for outstanding stupidity at the First Annual Yeah Rights Awards.”

False Hope: Products that claim to transform a schlong the size of a crayon Read more of this post

The Devil Made Me Eat It

My raging appetite is like a randy man-whore constantly out on the prowl for his next piece of bootie.

Excess is never good, which is why I’ve tried to tame my lust for food with simple self-control. If I want cheesecake, I eat a slice instead of two. If I want ice cream, I have a scoop instead of three. If I’m craving pasta, I have one serving instead of several. My onsies food strategy worked and I looked svelte without the SPANX.  Read more of this post

Hot Yoga, Doritos and Stinky Cutie

In my never-ending quest to maintain my, zaftig figure, I signed up for a hot yoga class. My friend said that it was the best thing she’s ever done and that I should do it because I’d love it too. I’ve exercised doing yoga before with videos, but I had never taken a class.

I went armed with my yoga mat, a towel and a humongous bottle of frozen water since I was going to be in a 100 degree room for the next hour and a half stretching, bending, balancing, detoxifying and generally finding peace and balance. Actually, screw the peace and balance part, I wanted to sweat out the pounds.

Well dear readers, my olfactory sense is super cunning and I can smell “stink” before it hits the air and believe me when I say that the toxic smell of feet unfortunately reminds me of Doritos. It was a Doritos factory in that hot yoga studio. Was the smell coming from the feet or the carpet? What’s the difference?

I wanted to get out of there, but I thought about the twenty dollars I paid to take the class so I braved it. It was a full class, but I found a  spot in the back. A few minutes later this dark-haired cutie plants himself right in front of me. Things were looking up when he smiled at me; I smiled back. Then he took off his sneakers and holy “beegeezuz” the fumes from the sour stench of feet had hit the hot air waves. My smile turned into a grimace. My new Romeo had turned into a stinky cutie. But it was feet after all. I couldn’t really fault him for that. After all I’m sure mine didn’t smell like roses either. But I, at least, had the foresight to wear flip-flops and let my feet breath.

The class began.  I had gotten used to the stale Doritos smell and as long as  stinky cutie didn’t stick his feet up in the air and in front of me I’d be okay. I wasn’t taking deep breaths like you’re supposed to though.  Twenty minutes into the class I was sweating but okay. We had started the down dog position which I was very familiar with (if you know what I mean) and transitioned that into the upward dog (something I wasn’t very familiar with).  Then the instructor got on her hands and knees for the modified cat pose, which meant sticking one foot out and balancing yourself.

And there it was before me. From heel to toes was his right foot in all its “stenchly” glory. I gasped, then something went down the wrong pipe and I began to cough one of those uncontrollable whooping coughs that happens just when everyone is quiet and concentrating. He turned around, I thought with apparent concern, but the look on his face said something else. I had disturbed him. I had distracted his search for balance and harmony. Maybe you need to take that outside stinky MILK said (yes, I had just downgraded him from cutie to Man I’d Like to Kick). Outside did he say? The nerve. Well I had no choice. I packed up my stuff, slipped on my flip flops and prepared my exit, but not before I gave a slight kick to his sneakers and said, “Odor eaters.”

Namaste,

Lafemmeroar

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

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