February 25, 2013 19 Comments
December 3, 2012 31 Comments
He likes your “muffin top.”
He kisses you on the cheek when you’re doing the dishes.
You’re a stinky mess and he still wants to do it.
He gives you “thoughtful” gifts just because.
He notices the small things like how you curl your toes when you laugh.
His eyebrows lift up when he Read more of this post
November 30, 2012 28 Comments
A fellow blogger named Eric is such a fan of my “whacky” blog that he took it upon himself to write today’s post. Make sure to visit his blog http://ericmvogt.wordpress.com. He writes poetry and short stories
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lafemme. She kept getting approached by tall, dark handsome men. They would go out for a while and then turn into schlongs. Then she finally decided that it was just not worth it to be a schlong magnet. She would make some money off of it. So she started a syndicated newspaper article called Dear Schlabby.
She would direct all schlongs there for advice. She was really, really good at it, too. She saved many schlongs from beschlongings (sort of like a beheading but with a different organ). This was the first schlong to answer and start her adventure into tabloid stardom: Read more of this post
November 26, 2012 30 Comments
An old post for my new readers. Enjoy
Searching for “the one” online is like choosing produce at the grocery store. You don’t want to pick the bruised or the rotten; so, you need to sniff, pinch and handle them a bit to see if they’re any good.
Lavalife has three sections for user profiles: Dating, Relationships and Intimate Encounters. Signing up with Lavalife means that I can hypothetically go bowling with a fun guy, have sex with a Read more of this post
November 24, 2012 8 Comments
Years ago I subscribed to an online dating site called e-Harmony. I answered their lengthy questionnaire and I received two matches of men whose profiles depicted them to be bitter and angry about the world and relationships. Did my matches from eHarmony want a woman or a punching bag? Was it me? Did my responses (oh I don’t know) suggest that I’m a good match for such men? Read more of this post
November 22, 2012 16 Comments
A repost for my new readers and subscribers. Thank you all and I hope you keep coming back for more
In the past I’ve given many chicks tips on how to laugh at the chaos, but now is the time to write a post dedicated to all the men out there.
Here are some tips on how to get out of sticky situations when it comes to the opposite sex.
Next time a chick you’ve had sex with comes up to you and you just can’t remember her name tell her that you suffer from “Namenesia” the inability to remember names. Tell them that constant physical intimacy is part of the cure and you’re looking for a volunteer.
When you’re out on a date and want to weasel out of the check, just tell your date that you have “Nomullah” disease, which is the condition of never having any money. A chick with a heart of gold would be more than happy to throw down some dough for your steak dinner.
If your girlfriend gives you an ultimatum about commitment, tell her that you have “RPS” (Relationship Palpitation Syndrome), a condition that gives you heart pains when you hear the words: commitment, relationship, monogamy, marriage, exclusivity and etc. The only cure for this ailment is patience and understanding on her part and lots of sex with other women and Read more of this post
November 15, 2012 27 Comments
When my birthday cake has so many candles that it borders on being a fire hazard, I just think it’s the 4th of July.
I have a carnival mirror that makes me look 10 pounds thinner.
When I watch politicians arguing on T.V., I just pretend I’m watching a sitcom.
I believe that heartbreak is a workout for your heart … it takes the lickin’ but Read more of this post
November 11, 2012 20 Comments
This morning my girlfriend and her two kids (a cute little three and a half-year old girl hellion and a brooding 16-year-old boy) came over to pick me up for breakfast at IHOP. I was running late as usual so I let them in and finished drying my hair in the bathroom. When I turned off the dryer I heard the little hellion yelling “baby baton, baby baton.”
The hellion was running from my bedroom down the hall and in her hand was my newly purchased (and thankfully unused) Slender Wonder vibrator. The hellion then stopped running, inspected the “baby baton” and turned the pink nub. The baby baton started to buzz to which the hellion continued her parade and began to chant “buzzing baby baton, buzzing baby baton.” I ran after her, but I wasn’t quick enough for she jumped on her brooding brother’s lap, who was sitting in the living room texting. She waved my Slender Wonder in front of his face. I was mortified. He looked confused. Then the hellion dropped my Slender Wonder on his lap Read more of this post