Infidelity and the Terminator
May 17, 2011 39 Comments
Men from the powerful and poor to the intelligent and idiotic cheat and get caught. News pundits have been “blabbering” (and now it’s my turn) about the S & S (Schwarzenegger and Shriver) split and eminent divorce. Perhaps some are even lamenting on the end of this seemingly successful marriage between a Republican and Democrat that lasted 25 years.
When “Arnold the Terminator” and former governor of California announced his infidelity with a staffer and the secret love child his double dipping produced, I felt a twinge of déjà vu because adultery happens all the time. How convenient that he waited until after his term before disclosing his behavior and how convenient that hush money (in my opinion) kept his indiscretion under the radar. Positive thoughts and kudos goes to Maria Shriver who has kept her dignity and composure throughout this challenging time in her life.
Is it that difficult to stay sexually faithful to one person? How does one remain faithful when the novelty effect of sexual attraction wears off? I want to say that “cheaters are losers” but the biggest loss is to the children and the one devastated by such an act of negative selfishness.
Despite my sarcasm about relationships, I’m a romantic. I believe in the fate of a soul mate and I believe that permanent fidelity (sexual and emotional) is possible with the right person. Perhaps this idea is fantasy, delusional or unrealistic, but I believe that someone out there will appreciate and love me for all my beauty and imperfections. This is a tall order I know, but in the midst of a malfunctioning world I need to hold on to my dreams.
We never know what occurs behind the closed-door of a relationship. Secrets and lies only emerge upon the announcement of break-ups and divorces. Until then I want to congratulate high-profile couples (married or not) who are still “together” as of this blog post:
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick
George and Barbara Bush
Kevin Klein and Phoebe Cates
John Travolta and Kelly Preston
and finally … Prince Charming and Cinderella
Faithfully yours,
Lafemmeroar
© 2011 Lafemmeroar
About Lafemmeroar
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Lafem…
As a former womanizer, I’m not going to bash the Terminator…he’s a man, sometimes we have been known to step out and get a little fun here and there when the fun isn’t so hot anymore…
I agree that Maria is handling herself with poise and grace and that if she is a good wife, that she can continue to keep her head held high. It is important to note that this couple isn’t just any type of regular couple..the stresses and strains that they endure have been amplified. to walk in their shoes must be a terrifying walk indeed…
Luckily at the end of the day, they do still love one another and are trying their best to keep their composure.
If the other famous people are able to do it, my hats are off to them… here’s to Romeo and Juliet the most amazing couple out there…
T.
Infidelity is rampant in all socio-economic backgrounds. In terms of S & S you’re right they’re under the radar, but I think the public is used to such things and in a few weeks it will all be over. The news just made me think of monogamy … AGAIN. I have a friend who is into polyamory and it seems to work for him and his partners. Not my cup of tea (I’ve been conditioned) but he is really happy and content. Now what would happen in the case of one woman and two men … I don’t know … Maybe Romeo and Juliet have been revered as the most romantic couple because they died at the zenith of their love. I want happy endings though … can I put you in my blogroll?
Well not to show too much of my UK background…of course you can place me anywhere i could fit…lmao…I sooo could have taken it where I wanted… however..i would be honored…but you should know…I have a stong opinion and I am a true Alpha male… however… i value really amazing females in life… I’d give everything to have the “just right one”…. oh hey…tomorrow’s post is in your honor…it is a bitter pill to swallow but you got me to thinking….dangerous….
T.
About me huh? Bitter pill to swallow huh? Yay!!!!!!! lmao. You are an ALPHA male, but not a MILK or a MOLE (a commenter used that word on a reply). You should fit nicely in my sidebar if I could ever get the damn thing figured out. I’m having issues with my blog’s appearance (damn sidebars won’t show in the home page) and other tech issues. So I’ll add your link and if you like you can add me too. You want to know something I’ve been thinking of writing a short story about you (not blogging) you got me thinking as well. And in terms of “the right one” you can think of women as a box of chocolates and you can pinch each one to see if it’s the kind you want. OMG I can’t believe that I just commodified women in that way. Oh well … life goes on and so will we in finding the right one 🙂
do you think people’s views on what monogamy, being faithful, and infidelity are?
I do
Not sure what you meant. Did you mean that people’s views vary on these subjects?
yes not between them, but within each one
do you think you could define what they mean to you?
I know I think about them alot, but am unsure if my defintion would remain stagnant…I hope it would…so maybe I should work on that a bit
Monogamy: don’t screw around if we have an established and agreed upon “relationship”(I’m not flexible on this issue)
Faithfulness: Be my partner in life and in my bed. Be my best friend.Tell me with your worries and problems as opposed to telling another female about it. (Deep personal conversations between platonic male-female dynamics can lead to you know what.) It’s true… (Room for flexibility on this one though)
Infidelity: The actual act of screwing around (sex, kissing, fondling, dirty talk). (If I find out he’s done it, his ass is tarred and feathered and kicked to the curb)
To tell you the truth I don’t really know if human beings are meant to be with just one partner … but my aspiration in life is to be in a healthy, monogamous relationship. This idea doesn’t seem so lofty in terms of professional ambition, but it’s mine and even if I have to wait until I’m 80 years old to find the right one … so be it. It’s lonelier to be with the wrong person than it is to be alone…alone you have the dream of someone else. But when you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, the mind is too busy being miserable to think of happier possibilities.
Lafem….
You should know…commodities are commodities… I have been analyzing their values for several decades…. they don’t pay me the big money for nothing… wink..wink… and just think..I subscribed to you first…. see, i know value when i see (read) it…
T.
It’s ironic that my biggest fan thus far (i think it’s you) is a man. I was really hoping for more women because I’m a woman. I’m flattered and I love reading your comments, but it makes me wonder about my voice. Do I appeal more to men or women? In real life I seem to have better interaction with men. I write about women’s “stuff” but now I’m wondering if my sex identifies with me. I probably need to write a post about that … you got me thinking now…
today in my sex and gender relations class
we talked about male and female role/positions before and after industrialization
before we were both valued and needed equally- i.e. one could not survive without the other..if one died then they were replaced quickly in order to function
after industriallization, men could ‘buy’ what they needed…it seems to me that this may have been the beginning of the shift of inequality…
thus making women commodities
no don’t get me all wrong…I am NOT a full blown femi- nazi…not by any stretch
but today I find that I am thinking of the word commodity and then low and behold here I read my blog and the word is used
wanna continue this discussion?
I don’t mind being commodified if it benefits me. I just wrote a response to a fellow blogger wherein I compared women to a box of chocolates. Men are commodified as well (for their wallets). Men and women are all subjects to be exchanged. This is a pragmatic perspective on the issue. If you have an unforgivable fight with your best friend you will eventually develop other friendships that will perhaps replace the one you had with her. If you divorce, you’ll eventually find a boyfriend or get married again. Men and women both buy sex and companionship to a certain point. Now, although the commodification of people occurs, there are people in our lives that can never be replaced. Whether we are one of those people in the eyes of another is something we cannot control.
I like what you say about faithfullness.
I am struggling with that very thing in my house right now.
Men like their egos stroked. The problem is that when the shit hits the fan, the ego stroker probably isn’t going to give the man his reality check. Infidelity is part fantasy for the one doing the cheating, and a harsh slap on the face to the one cheated on. How are you dealing with this issue?
its a back and forth ‘struggle’ for me
some days I think who cares…he loves me, we are together
I agree males do seem to need their egos stroked…is this their overwhelming need to procreate? I am not sure
My guy, seems to me, to need it for some sort of esteem, although he would never admit that well I just don’t think he would explore that possibility.
I don’t like to think that he cannot/does not come to me sometimes, when I like to think of him as the one I go to first and almost always, only.
But then again if girls were to have guy friends could they vent to them? could they ask for a shoulder to cry on? it is in a way double edged….girls want tot alk, so guys know that and they can say something sweet or relational and they will be asssured a listener….if girls go to a guy this way it just may not be there the same way
do you know what I am saying?
I don’t like the intimacy that he shares.
I mean the cutreness and the sort of thoughtfulness that goes into the conversations ( I think) he has with other women. I think as women we want to feel like we are the only one….think commodity???!!!
You’re right that it goes both ways. The issue is that the communication should be between the two in the relationship. I love talking to men and women and yes, I’ve had conversations with married men about their wives and I’m thinking, he should be saying this to her. Why is he saying this to me? I’m entertained by it … but she should know this crap. I think that men want someone to listen, and when the listener starts to stroke his ego, he develops ideas and starts to see the listener in a different way. It’s like he’s transferring emotion to her, emotion that he should have for his partner … know what I mean?
this is what is scaring me right now
why does he not want to talk to me?
does he feel I cannot handle it? doesn’t like what i say in response? needs more? needs to keep more basic than what our realtionship is..meaning maybe he is scared to go to deep, so these sort of ‘friendships’ can be light and he can share what he wants…not necessarily everything?
is this just him? or are many people /guys like this?
I know I can’t be EVERYTHING to him ALL the time
but it is still painful/ hurtful
And I am not about to go tit for tat
Well … have you tried to have a talk with him outside the house? Maybe you can have a “date” and you can have an “objective” discussion about the issues. Sometimes, people like to talk to others to escape judgment and in the event of being judged, they won’t care because they’re not emotionally invested in that person
oh and what did you mean when you said- the ego stroker “probably isn’t going to give the man the reality check”
I meant that the listener (ego stroker) won’t be around if he has to deal with a problem. Sometimes men don’t need someone to say yes, you’re great; yes, you’re right; what they need is for someone to say in a PC way that they’re full of crap. Not all men, but just some.
yes…I agree with your observation/experience that says tey need to hear you arwe full of crap…but guess what there will always be soemoen to say you are great! or poor you!
That’s because those women need to hear it back 😛 May the universe bless those poor cunning women who stroke egos to fuel their own lack of self-esteem … ’cause they’ll never find true love … temporary love maybe … but never true .. at least in my opinion
yes that is likely true
going for an attached male shows some deep issues….needing to be lusted after??? among one of them
but what about the age old it started out just platonic???
I hate that…sounds liek a HUGE excuse
There’s truth to that … we were just talking … it was innocent … we didn’t plan it. Those things are true in the beginning and can evolve or de-volve into something else. I’m not saying that’s the case in your situation. Nip it in the bud and talk to him without (not saying you do this) criticizing, shouting, judging …. even if you hear something that tears you apart. Pretend you’re in a business meeting. Strategy is key … especially in this situation.
he knows I don’t really like this
but his response is
I have an issue
I don’t trust
grrr
I don’t want to talk to him like it looks like I have anlayzed or assessed him….
that will not be acceptable and I am not sure I would like that either
I want him to see it for himself
or have someone point it out to him
question is why???
strategy is everything…I think this is especially true at the stage we ar at with this
I need to think of mine, before I approach this with him again
I have been all about feelings and I am sure this comes across to him as critical and judgmental
Right now I am reluctant to rock the boat….but get upset with myself for not being sronger and saying what I want/need for fear
I think maybe I have beliefs that men will go to another woman for talks when something is not right…otherwise why else…is sort of my thought
the woemn I think he goes to are ofcourse single and not anyone I know so I question…if he was looking for advice or an opinion why not go to someone who is our friend and knows us
going to an outsider he can say whatever he wants about me about our relationship and of course they will likely always see his point of view
so this action scares me into thinking he is looking for a back up
I may be way off and deep down think I am – but pangs of gut instinct female intuition play into my thought process and that is not nice.
Indeed, think before you act. You’ll drive yourself crazy with these ruminations. Talk to him. Strategize, listen, and check yourself when you want to react negatively.
I need to go out now
but look forward to your response
thanks!
a big part of me wants him to initiate our next move
I want him to realize what he has done/does and to be able to see things from my point of view.
I wish someone would just tell him that, if he cannot come up with it on his own.
It is funny cuz our relationship is really wonderful and unique I think. But then there is this. He is some stuff that is not so right re: his kids and I am quite sure feels some guilt along with all the sadness and feelings of no control over the situation….but is that a reason to look for another woman’s wow to stroke his ego
c’mon
If you’re going to wait for his insight into this situation; you be waiting a long time.
why do you say that?
cuz I have ‘tolerated’ it?
No. I say it because you want him to realize it for himself. Let me ask you this … how long do you think until he realizes it for himself? If you think he’s at the cusp of this realization then you are right. But if he is not then how long are you willing to wait to talk to him? Or, maybe the whole thing with the other woman will just fizzle. Can I ask you something? Is he talking or is there something more going on?
as far as I know it is talking…perhaps in person somewhat maybe via email/texts
I am not even sure if it is just one woman
ther have been others
is it possible that they really are just friends?
why does he get defensive when I ask him
I want to understand male female friendships.
him telling me that I have an issue with trust is really tough for me to listen to…
I’m close friends with a lot of men. In fact I just blogged about one a few minutes ago. So emails, texts can be innocent. It depends on what’s being discussed. In terms of trust issues … that can only be said if the “doubt” is unreasonable. I really feel for you and in these exchanges I sense your pain. Wish I could do something to help. Have you laughed at all today?
are the men that you are friends with married or in serious relationship? do their partners know? do you think everyone is OK with it?
not judging you with these questions…just asking to see if the dynamics are similar
do you think he should tell me when he does have an encounter with these women…i.e. if they see each other on the street and stop and chat…if they decide to have lunch or coffee? is it ok for me to ask him? should he volunteer it?
when I ‘find’ out it bothers me that he wanted to keep it in what I call a secret… to me that suggests there is something that he thinks I cannot ‘handle’ with it and that feels funny
I am not suggesting he is looking or is having any affair…but am scared he thinks there is something lacking in our relationship
when I approach him he wants to say I have an issue with trust
and that it didn’t just start with him
I take some offense to that although I have agreed that it could be possible
what bugs me is maybe that that is easy for him to not really answer my question or respond to my feelings
I’m friends with them and the conversations are casual. I am not interested in my male friends and they are not interested in me. You are distressed and I’m afraid that whatever I tell you about my platonic situations it won’t ease your worry or pain. I wish it would. It’s not about what I think it’s about what you think. Do you think he should tell you? If the answer is yes, then what steps do you need to take so you can satisfy your goal? I have been through what you’re going through. Years later, I realized that I can’t control what another person does or doesn’t do. And my assumptions are just that until I confirm it with the other person if I want to confirm it with the other person. Let me ask you this, what actions do you think you can take to ease your distress?
yes I am distressed I love him dearly and do not want our relationship to end
what steps have I taken? well I have talked to a couple of friends..I have shared here in this blog I have talked with him and we have attended a few sessions of counselling but have not gone for almost 2 months
I am now waiting to have a first meeting with a counsellor on my own
I need for him to realize what he wnats and to be able to communicate it to me
I know what I want
I don’t know what to do right now…that is my turmoil…
I want to think I can wait and just be me sweet and kind and go about my day/our day
but I feel like I am waiting on him to…decide? talk? not sure
Perhaps the counsellor will be able to help you. If he doesn’t want to go then go for yourself. It’s about your mental health. I feel for you even though I haven’t had to face your situation in a very long time. What you need to do are the things that will help you regain your peace of mind.
yes I agree I need peace of mind
I ahve asked him to help me that
I had hoped he would volunteer ideas
but there really hasn’t been anything
I am trying to see things from his point of view as well
but am really stuck in my pain, apprehension, fear
thank you for listening