Food Fetish of my Blind Date

My happily married sister, a real estate agent, set me up on a blind date with a former client. He called me and for the next few days we talked for hours about film, books, music and being single in our forties. He’s divorced, no kids,  a technical writer and a self-proclaimed foodie. Our verbal dynamics promised a prosperous first date. I wasn’t expecting a love match, but I wasn’t expecting what I got either.

We met for dinner and at first sight I noticed his nice smile and his gaze at my tush (thank you GAP jeans). You’re taller than I expected he said (my sister is very petite and I’m 5’7″) and he followed it up with an I like it. The hostess led us to our table. I ordered the double cut pork chops with garlic mashed and asparagus tips (yum) and he ordered the shrimp scampi. When the waitress left he said hmmm. I asked him what he meant. And he said I was expecting you to order a salad.

Was he being cheap because the chops clocked in at $35 or did he think I needed to go on a diet?  Why would you assume I’d order just a salad I asked. Most women on dates usually order salads he said. How often do you date I asked. Often he said and most of them aren’t big eaters. Then I asked the question, the question that went against my whole constitution of “love thyself.” I said do you think I”m fat. (I wanted to slap myself. No, I wanted to drag myself by the hair and beat my head against the wall. Why the hell did I say that?) No, I like women who like to eat he said. Whew. Then he should like me plenty I thought.

The meal came. I ate heartily and he talked about seeing a movie next time. Talk about a second date on the first date was a good thing. Would I soon have a partner in life? Would I soon have a partner in my bed? During the meal he gave me half of his shrimp scampi. Food sharing … I like it I thought. When I tried to reciprocate the gesture by offering half of my chops he said no.  He was very attentive and he couldn’t take his eyes away from me. His looks went from longing to lustful. I should have picked up on the meaning of those looks, but I was too busy chewing to think. Then he asked me if I wanted dessert. I declined since the chops, tatters and tips, plus his scampi and three pieces of bread were beginning to bloat me. Sure you do he said. Since I was done chewing and had my thinking cap back on I became suspicious. I excused myself and went to the ladies room.

I went into the stall and called my sister.  I think he has a food fetish I said. I think she thought I said foot fetish because she asked me if I were wearing open toed sandals. Then she said be nice and don’t be sarcastic. Well I hadn’t spewed an ounce of sarcasm all night I said and hung up.

When I returned I saw a four layer chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream on the table. Such a scrumptious sight would normally have me salivating like one of Pavlov’s dogs. But in this instance that cake going in my mouth would have, I’m sure, represented a tantalizing treat for his loins. If he thinks that I’m going to get him off at the table or have sex with him on a full stomach, he was crazy. I pushed the cake away and he pushed it back to me and said come on you know you want it; you’re a foodie just like me. I don’t think he and I are the same kind of foodie. Then I said are you a foodie or a food fetishist. He smiled and said it turns me on to watch women eat. Then I said in that case which one of us do you want to fuck … the food or me? His face turned white. He looked insulted. Then he asked for the check. I would never hear from him again. My sister called me the next day to tell me that he had unfriended her on Facebook.

In theory, this gastronomic deviant would be perfect. I love to eat and he would have loved to watch me eat. But I want a man who will enhance my life not my girth.

Happy eating,

Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

10 Responses to Food Fetish of my Blind Date

  1. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    That was hilarious – at times, disturbingly so. HE’S A FOOD RAPIST and a FOOD Fetishist. Geez. What bizarre foreplay. How often has that fattening up the date thing worked for him, I wonder, and not ended up with vomit on his bed? Did you feel like a duck being force fed so that you’d turn into a nice pate for his late night snack? Ugh, ick. I went out with a guy once who berated me for chewing gum. He knew I chewed gum before we had our first date, but I suppose it was a lot more satisfying to rip me in public. What was the answer to your question, by the way?

    • lafemmeroar says:

      He sure was! That incident was a real blow to my resolve. I really thought that he could have been the one up until the end of the entree. I did feel that he was priming me up for the big “kill.” And in term of that guy you went out with I hope you ripped him a new one as well. He never told me which he preferred, but since he never called me again … I think I know. He’s a closet food F#$&#@.

  2. The T says:

    Lafem…

    I am a huge food sharer…love it. I am definitely a real foodie! I enjoyed reading about your date… As for me i wouldn’t have pushed any food on you…probably would have taken you to some hipster martini bar and then enjoyed dessert in bed… of course you already figured that since our stlyes are so complimentary…

    T.

    • lafemmeroar says:

      You know something … I’d rather have alcohol pushed on me … there’s still calories involved, but at least I’d get a nice buzz out of it. Dessert in bed … what a nice way to start the hanky panky … FYI love my dirty martinis …

  3. I”m guessing he had a fat mom. And if he had bought you a drink, I would have suggested beer in a BOTTLE just to make sure it wasn’t “laced.” Oh, man, what a date from hell… except for the chocolate cake, the scampi… and are you like me? Do you like “a little bread with your butter”? Even though I’m slim now, my biggest temptation is fresh-baked French baguettes with a ton of cold butter! Ha ha, LMAO, Amy

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol on the bread and butter comment. Why does butter taste so good … why are bad things sooooo freakin good? OMG there’s a cafe where I live that serves wonderful baguettes. I can eat the whole thing and I have!

      • renxkyoko says:

        Oh. Ahahah ! I do like a guy who will feed me lotsa food ! ( Thank you , treadmill !)

        The fat gives good flavor, and infortunately, it’s the one our taste buds recognize.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Fat tastes good, too bad it’s bad for the tush 🙂

  4. moofiefate says:

    Ahahahaha, that was amazing….
    “It turns me on to watch women eat…”
    “It turns me on to have sex with gorillas… wait… where are you going?”
    (And yes, there are scary fetishists who specifically like to boink partners
    sporting stomachs distended with food–eek!)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Scary fetishes would be an interesting post 🙂 … distended stomach with food-eef…. what a scary image. Thanks for stopping by and stay tuned for more 🙂

Talk to me :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: