Pooper Scooper and the Hazards of Walking

When I can talk myself into it, I put on my iPod and blast Springsteen and Tom Petty for the next two and a half miles while I speed walk on the horse trail in my neighborhood. I’ve never seen any horses, only people and pet owners who think the trail is a lavatory for their pets.  About a mile and a half into my walk, I saw a big clump of poop and I side-stepped to avoid it.  I twisted my ankle on a small hole in the ground and I fell face first. My face missed the other turd ahead but my hands landed splat on them.

A group of joggers saw me and one of them tried to help me up, but he recoiled when he saw my palms smeared with wet dog poop. I told him I was fine (the ankle didn’t hurt, just my pride) and they continued their jog.  My sensitive olfactory senses went on over-drive when I foolishly sniffed my palms, which looked like I’d dipped them in brown mashed potatoes. Why did I do that? Did I want to assess the stench level? These musing and other thoughts ran through my head.

I crossed the street to the nearest house so I could ask permission to use the water hose. I’m polite that way. I used my elbows to knock on the door, but when no one answered I assumed no one was home and I used the water hose and tried to be quick about it.

I was stooped on the ground rinsing my hands when I heard a tinkling noise. It was a Pomeranian on a leash with its owner trailing behind. The pooch tried to sniff me and I brushed it away with my elbows (maybe I shouldn’t have done that but what was I going to do use my hands, which were still half-poopy?). What are you doing she said. This is my private property and you’re trespassing she continued. I apologized and told her what happened to me. She didn’t care, and said you have a lot of nerve. I wasn’t stealing, but I did use her rotten hose without permission. Her uncharitable demeanor surprised me.

Upon closer examination of her pooch’s tush I saw speckles of brown clumps stuck on the cream-colored fur. Could this pooch be the culprit of my stinky mess?  This was one of those moments when the logic of 2 + 2 = 4 was difficult to prove. So I took another approach and reminded her that there were pooper scooper laws and I didn’t see her with a scooper or a plastic bag filled with turd. Bitsy doesn’t do her business outside she said. I pointed my foot to the anal evidence before me and said then what do you call that. Prove it she said. I will I said (but I knew I couldn’t).

I can prove that you committed front lawn invasion so please leave she said. What the hell was front lawn invasion? What was I going to steal plants? So I said I think Bitsy needs to see the vetsy because she’s got a leaky ass. I’m going to call the police she said. Go ahead I said. She went into the house and I realized that she could have a case against me. I was a hose water snatcher. So I left and I did something I haven’t done in a very long time. I ran non-stop until I got home. I don’t know where I got the energy for such a physical feat, but I did it.  I had the workout of my life, but walking that damned lavatory trail was hazardous. I think I need to buy a treadmill.

Stinkilly yours,

Lafemmeroar

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

15 Responses to Pooper Scooper and the Hazards of Walking

  1. Mindless Rambler says:

    Dog owners like this disgust me. I have 2 dogs and there is no way I wouldn’t clean up after them, in fact they have their own corner in our back yard for their “business” but it is cleaned and disinfected on a regular basis. Even on the occasion they are caught short when we are out I clean up behind them and I get so angry at other dog owners who think it ok to walk on as if nothing happened. Sorry this happened to you.

    • lafemmeroar says:

      All creatures “big and small” need pooper scoopers. You’re a class-A animal lover. I’m sorry it happened to me too. To top it off I have a skinned knee.

  2. pattyabr says:

    Oh my gosh. So funny and tragic all at once. Another funny jogging story I heard was a DJ relaying a story of her trying to pass another jogger with the earphones in and didn’t hear her coming. He turned and spit and SMACK right into the side of her face. YUCK. The DJ then said that this has happened to her TWICE. I have a spin cycle in the basement to avoid the pitfalls of poop and spit.

    • lafemmeroar says:

      oooh I don’t know what’s worse from the 4-legged kind or the 2-legged kind … either way you’re right … YUCK

  3. Kristin Brænne says:

    Be a ★

  4. banbamama says:

    oh dear, sorry this happened to you! what a wench though…
    I have come across instances where people have scooped into the baggies only for them to throw the bag on the side of the footpath further on down the road! That is pure laziness in my mind.

    • lafemmeroar says:

      The worst part is that I couldn’t prove it! I think it was her dog though … oh well … my life in chaos. I can’t believe the people you mentioned … what’s the point of bagging the poop if you’re not going to “really” throw it away?

  5. The T says:

    Oh my girl…Lafem…

    At least you had the upper hand and it allowed you to have a kick-ass run! As for the lady with the anger issues and the cruddy little dog… karma will visit her one day soon…

    I can’t imagine many things getting you down especially seeing that you have mannerss and showed courtesy in a time when others would have went straight to the hose without asking… I love, love, love that about you… a girl with courtesy… HOT! (not hot when you’ve got that all over your hands, but the concept of that kinda girl who has manners is amazingly hot!)

    I hope you’re gonna have a beautiful Sunday…sounds like you deserve it…

    T.

    • lafemmeroar says:

      I hope karma visits her leaky ass dog Bitsy as well. Maybe the pooch will run across a brood of Great Danes or something.

  6. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    What a disaster! What a day you had! You needed a hug, not all that abuse. Here in Idaho, I encounter far too many inconsiderate pet owners. I’ve been known to chase after a few with a plastic bag in my hand. I can be quite vocal about it. It’s incredible that a lot of the people who love to be outdoors and among the beautiful scenery are the same ones who don’t pick up. My sister and I wrote some Haiku for Hounds years ago after coming across way too many piles in the foothills here. http://snoringdogstudio.wordpress.com/2010/11/30/pat-me-down-buy-me-dinner/

    • lafemmeroar says:

      Most people in my neighborhood don’t pick up … I think. I see them walking their dogs, but I never see them with a bag. Thanks for visiting …

  7. hollyjb says:

    Our first family god did his business in one spot, all the time. A nice little flower bed with it’s own personal fertilization. Over the years our other dogs haven’t done that, but we live on a farm and have 12.5 acres….most of that is field, but it used to take 6 hours to cut the lawn with a push mower – and that was if you really tried hard. All in all, we don’t get out regularly to clean up the mess, but most of the time we don’t run into it because it’s not where we usually walk when we do go outside.

    I’m betting that Bitsy was the culprit. Either way people like that (dog owners or not) really need a taste of their own medicine. I know she had no way of knowing that you tried to ask permission, but still. If you don’t like cleaning up poop don’t take your dog off your property…better yet, don’t get a dog.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think so too. And yeah, like you said they can have their own personal fertilization … thanks for commenting.

  8. Pingback: Weekend at the Sea: Saturday June 4 | hollyjb

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hey, thanks for sharing the poop story 🙂

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