Sticking a Poker on the Groper

Back in the day when there were knights in shinning armors, prince charmings, and gallant gentlemen, women had protectors from the unwanted advances of SOBs. (At least in my fantasy.) Today, the single woman who is friendly in a social situation runs the risk of encountering men who treat women like a piece of meat.

Last night I attended a wedding and I was looking pretty svelte  (thanks to SPANX) in the putrid olive-green bridesmaid dress. After the cake cutting and the bouquet throwing there was still plenty of dancing and libations. I was table hopping when a man who I met earlier that evening asked me to dance. My MILK detector told me to decline, plus the band was playing (if you can believe this) “Feelings.” (I thought the Wedding Singers Association banned that song.) I was about to sit when my married girlfriends encouraged me to go on and have a good time (I thought I was).  So, I agreed to dance with the UG (uninteresting guy). We were dancing and there were more banal exchanges of: are you having a good time (Not now), are you staying at the hotel (NO), are you seeing anybody (I wish), ever been married (NO), got kids (NO) and other trivial verbal bites.

Halfway into the song his hand move from my waist to the side of my upper ribs. I felt his thumb fingering the side of my breasts. So, I gently elbowed his hand away and we danced in silence. When the song ended I felt a slight touch on my tush. Was it him? Or did I just bump into someone else (the dance floor was crowded). I walked back to my table with a disgruntled look on my face. A few of my married girlfriends know that look, so by the time I sat down and the SOB sat down next to me my friends had that what’s gonna happen next look.

I forgot what other “stupidities” he said, but his hand rested on the seat of my chair then the top of my thigh. I brushed his hand away again. Had I liked this man, then I would have opened (in time) the gates for him to penetrate and conquer. But I did not like him. He was a violator of my personal space and a braggart. He kept on popping off about what he had and what he planned to buy. Well, unless I can get what he has, unless he’s willing to gift me what he has … then what good is it to me? What angered me even more was the arrogant smirk on his face while he talked and groped. Did he think he can get away with such behavior? I thought that if he palmed my thigh one more time I would have to take action.

I wanted to punch him; I wanted to kick him for touching me and smiling and thinking it was okay. But I couldn’t show such pedestrian displays before polite society … especially a wedding. Moreover, I couldn’t punch or kick (the dress was to tight). So I took the closest weapon I could find, the dinner fork. I saw a piece of lemon (yum) wedding cake on the table. I slid the plate next to me, picked up the fork as if I were about to dig into it, then when I felt his hand on my thigh (didn’t have to wait long) I poked the back of his hand with the fork.

He withdrew his hand and it hit the bottom of the table. The rattling of glasses and plates was a sign that the universe, for once, was in harmony with me. I was the bullfighter and he was the bull. I was a champion fisherwoman and he was my catch of the day. I was a markswoman with a fork. Bitch you poked me he said. That’s because I was testing you for doneness and now you are … buh bye I said. He gave me the finger and I wielded my fork. You think you’re hot but you’re not he said. I smiled because at that moment I felt like the hottest woman in the world. He walked away. My friends laughed when I told them where his hands had been. Later I saw him talking to another woman. When he went to the bar, I approached his next victim, gave her the fork and told her you’re going to need this.

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

23 Responses to Sticking a Poker on the Groper

  1. Judy says:

    I loathe pigs. What makes men think it’s okay to approach and treat women like that?

    I should try the fork trick next time. 🙂

    • lafemmeroar says:

      The best thing is that in a social function the poking can be done under the table and you can act surprised after the poking. As in … did I do that? 😛

    • The T says:

      Judy, Pigs are good and decent animals…some of us men know how to avoid being pigs…

      T.

  2. I have yet to understand why guys–and, let’s be honest, some girls–think it’s OK to behave this way. I know my mom always tells me not to “put it on display” if I don’t expect people to want it (no really, she’s told me this), but I think I should be able to dress/act/talk however I want without fear of some other person assuming a dance/beer/wink is an invitation to feel me up. People like this man disgust me and make me lose faith in the male half of the species. Hopefully this MILK (ps–love that acronym) learned his lesson!

    • lafemmeroar says:

      Don’t lose hope. There are lots of good guys out there. I’ve met some, but I would like a relationship with one 🙂 He was a grade-A MILK for sure. But he’s expired.

  3. hehe – you’ve got a lot more self-restraint than I do when it comes to these sleazy guys… I think yours is the better way to handle things. I might try the fork technique next time…

    • lafemmeroar says:

      Doing it surreptitiously is key. You can vary the weapon though depending on where you are. Thanks for reading …

      • Yeah – I usually go for the punch on the nose option… but it’s not so subtle 😉

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          lol a bloody sniffer at a wedding … glad you stopped by

  4. Brava! I applaud your gutsiness. I pity the fool who gets involved with that creep. Forks–the new pepper spray!

    • lafemmeroar says:

      lmao … Fork is a weapon and a tool for eating (which I love to do). Doubly utilitarian 🙂

  5. teaandyarn says:

    Good for you! What’s just as bad are the guys that keep flirting even after you flash your wedding ring *grunts*.

    Found you in the ‘lets earn followers’ thread in the forum. You’re doing great with your posts so far! They’re funny and witty, and I want to read more 🙂

    • lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks 🙂 Stay tuned … my next post will be about MILKs the one after online dating. Sometimes the MILKs need a little poke to set them straight. But many are hard-headed.

  6. Luv2ByteYou says:

    I’ve actually punched some drunk guy (on a golf convention) out of his chair. 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      ooohhhh …. you got a hole in one? Not as brave as you are. I need to do mine on the down low. Hope he was sitting on a bar stool. The higher they are the harder they fall … or something like that 🙂

  7. I really enjoyed reading this post, good work using your weapons at hand. Although I am man, I dont like the men that misrepresent the whole crew. I know there are plenty of brick head men out there but dont lose faith that there are some good ones also. I am curious to see what new weapons you have at your next wedding

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I don’t attend too many weddings as most of my friends are married (or divorced). But I can’t think of any other weapon to use in a formal social function, I can’t whack someone on the head with a center piece … too obvious. BTW, thanks for your encouraging words. I know the good guys out number the MILKs. Thanks for reading and commenting … hope you come back for more 🙂

  8. Ed Williams says:

    …but what happened to the lemon (yum) wedding cake? ; P

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh, I ate it, but I used a different fork. 😛 thanks for reading …

  9. Shonnie says:

    Love that you stabbed him with the fork. I am not sure I could have been so polite at you. Glad you shared your wisdom with the other lady. 🙂 Let him eat fork.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Wisdom is always at a price … my misadventures 🙂

  10. Can’t add anything except that, when I played piano bar, there was only one request I would not do. And I’d announce it. Hold up the cocktail napkin, wave it obnoxiously, and declare: “I don’t do windows, and I don’t do Feelings.” LOL.

    Amy

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol …. what depresses me is that I was actually around when that song was a top 40 hit … lordy I’m old 🙂 but I’ll always feel like I’m 12 🙂

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