Things a Virgin Would Say

No it doesn’t hurt. Is it in already?

You need to wine and dine me before you can jump and grind me.

Anal sex? I thought you meant the annals of sex.

I just realized that I like women.

Hold on. Let me get drunk first.

High maintenance? I like to think of it as quality assurance.

My jaw is tired. How long is foreplay supposed to last?

Isn’t foreplay supposed to get me in the mood?

I’m a level four virgin. I’ve done everything but come. I’m hoping you can make me a level five.

Oh God? Isn’t that what nuns say when they masturbate?

I think I like doing it by myself better.

I thought oral sex meant talking dirty.

I’m picky to the point that I just can’t be picky anymore.

My body is like a temple. It needs lots of gifts before entrance

I braided it so it doesn’t get in the way.

Just ignore the cobwebs.

What kind of virgin would you like me to be?

That wasn’t a yawn; that was a silent moan.

I’m yours . . . forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Wait, where are you going?

I’ve never been with a man, but I’ve kissed a lot of women.

I thought it was supposed to be ladies first.

I’m married to God, but I’m open to fooling around.

I’ve never touched a penis in my life, but I’ve kissed plenty.

I just want you know that I’ve watched a lot of porn.

Happy Monday Everybody,



About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

19 Responses to Things a Virgin Would Say

  1. ha! Sadly, sometimes I think these things, too…

  2. Dan Rumer says:

    When you put it in, don’t be shocked when it makes a “psst” wound liking opening a can of Soda.

    I’ve been on plenty of blind dates, and a few deaf dates too. No paraplegic dates though, I have standards.

    [Any Harry Potter quote]

    It smells like the dumpster behind a red lobtser in here all of a sudden.

    • lafemmeroar says:

      lol. your comments always give me a chuckle. the “psst” sound … is that what an uptight virgin sounds like?
      and omg on the red lobster reference. I like their biscuits and I actually have the recipe for it (Hint: secret ingredient is Bisquick)

      • Dan Rumer says:

        An uptight virgin sounds like this;
        “You want to put WHAT, WHERE!?”
        I have the Big Mac secret sauce recipe, the secret ingredient is sauce…. also, thousand island.
        Side note: everytime I open a hot dog bun I feel like in some small way I’m taking a virginity.

        • lafemmeroar says:

          Someone told me about the hot dog bun analogy and it went straight over my head. I just did’t get it. Splitting bread, popping a cherry … yeah I can see the similarity 🙂

  3. thedatingleprechaun says:

    Two virgins:

    Her “You can take your little finger out of my bellybutton, that’s NOT my bellybutton!”

    Him “That’s NOT my little finger!”


  4. renxkyoko says:

    Hilarious as ever,

    Where do you get this stuff anyway? LOL

  5. ZW says:

    And the number one thing virgins say just before … “do you love me?”

  6. marcialoyd says:

    Nice! LOL! I would never get brave enough to post something like this in my blog. Maybe that will be one of my fears I tackle. 😛

  7. After 10 years of celebacy with my husband before he left me, I started dating a guy. I think I said some of these things. I felt like I qualified as a “revirgin.”

    Funny, funny, post!

  8. Kelly says:

    During sex, “you’re so warm inside”

Talk to me :)

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