5 Ways To Repel A Man

There is a phenomenon called the “minzer syndrome,” the condition of attracting men you are not attracted to. Don’t even try to understand it. Just accept the irony that in your quest to find “the one,” you can’t seem to hide from “the unwanted.” This guy plagues your existence like a pimple on your nose, or those extra ten pounds that won’t go away no matter how much you exercise.

He’s that annoying co-worker who sticks around you like a Post-it. He’s the acquaintance that keeps calling you for a date, and you don’t know how the hell he keeps getting your number even though you’ve changed it three times. He’s the helpful guy who thinks he’s your boyfriend just because he once unclogged your kitchen sink. You know the kind–relentless and clueless. You’ve tried to be polite. Subtly is Latin to him. You’ve said “NO.” You’ve told him you just want to be friends. You dream of UMR (Unwanted Man Repellent), but it hasn’t been invented. To get rid of him, you must imagine yourself a warrior. Battle will require great sacrifice of your body, mind and yes, even your reputation. But these are minor considering the ultimate victory of eradicating him from your life.

Here are five sure ways to repel the “unwanted man.”

1. Abandon hygiene (I told you there’d be sacrifices). Don’t brush your teeth or bathe for a week. Hell, make it a couple of weeks. Wear clothes so filthy that they’ve become a breeding ground for new bacteria. And when you’re nice and ripe agree to meet him for coffee.

2. Divert his interest. Introduce him to your frenemy. Tell your frenemy that he’s just won the lottery and tell him that she’s been dying to hook up with him and she likes to do threesomes with her cousin.

3. Do guy stuff in front of him. Scratch your crotch. Pick your nose. Harness a lugee deep in your gullet and challenge him to a spitting contest. Fart while you’re eating and laugh about it. If you find yourself at his place, use his bathroom, take a nice long dump, then forget to flush. This might challenge your sense of proper etiquette, but you’ve got to act and think out of your box if you want to win the war.

4. Tell him that you’re in the last phase of your sex reassignment surgery and he has the honor of popping your cherry. I know, I know, you don’t want this untruth getting around, but you can set the record straight once he’s gone.

5. If all the above fails, this last tip will have him running from you like an Olympic sprinter.

Tell him: “I really want to get married.” 

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About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

23 Responses to 5 Ways To Repel A Man

  1. The T says:

    Well to not respect her hygiene would be the easiest method possible… with me, hygiene is king…I make certain that I smell great 24-7 and being a bit of a germaphobe keeps me very tidy in all of the places i’m supposed to be tidy in…if I am around a female who doesn’t respect my need for such things, then it’s time to say goodbye…for real and stuff… yuck…my tummy hurts a bit from thinking about the girl would would abandon it…

    Argh

    T.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You know I was thinking about you when I wrote that bit on the post. I had a feeling you’d feel “Yucky” about that.

  2. The T says:

    Lafem….you do seem to know me!

    T.

  3. Hahah, what a great post. I really enjoyed reading it!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh, thank you very much :)) I wasn’t sure how people would react to this, but I’m glad you enjoyed it. Cheers and hope you come back soon.

  4. Josh says:

    Hilarious post.

    I didn’t think women needed to be told stuff like this;…..no wait, I take that back. I’ve met my share of women who expect men to read their minds. “No” means yes, “OK” means not bloody likely.

    I think the “wrong guys you seem to attract” are the ones who are playing the “numbers game”. That is, they’ll “doggedly” troll after anything female that so much as looks at them. Their hope is that they’ll find a woman desperate enough to ignore their egotistical personality and poor self-evaluation skills. Maybe they fall into this strategy because they they’re types of people that psychologically have a hard time recognizing failure. Either that or they don’t speak body language.

    I think while they’re probably a minority among men, they get a lot of “press time.” This is like people who try to get jobs by sending thousands of resumes through email. (A good way to get offered a telemarketing job.)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol Here’s hoping that these guys are truly a minority among men. You make some important points …Thanks for commenting …

  5. afrankangle says:

    Lafem,
    Nothing like a good sense of humor, so thanks for the chuckle this morning. …. and thanks for dropping by my blog!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      We need a laugh a day to keep insanity away 🙂

      • afrankangle says:

        That’s a good philosophy for life in general. IMO, don’t enough people laughing these days.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Exactly and that is the reason I started this blog. I want to laugh at myself because it’s a healthy way to be. It releases all the bad energy. And, I’m glad others are joining me in the chuckling 🙂

  6. hollyjb says:

    Funny! I’ve found that it helps when you don’t speak the same mother tongue and you’re improving a lot faster than him in your language class and won’t give him your sheet to copy off of. Although I don’t think he was really that interested…I’m just the only single girl in the class! Thank goodness he’s stopped bugging me though…it was getting creepy.

    Laughing is one of my favourite things in life. If that’s why you blog I want to follow you!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Laughing keeps me sane and that’s why I blog. Not letting a man benefit from your intellect is a good way to repel. Don’t get creeped out. If you read my blind dating tips you’ll see how you can use your big purse as a weapon against “creepahoids.” Cheers

  7. … and if that all fails, maybe they are the one?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s for another post 🙂

      • ha. i look forward to that one…

  8. totsymae1011 says:

    OMG! I can’t stop laughing!

    Girl, I have done number 1. Oh, I’m terrible. You’re terribler for coming out with a list.
    TOO Funny.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol, you mean to tell me you walked around town RIPE as a peach that’s seen better days? OMG you’re crazy, hilarious .. 🙂

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    Yeah after reading this I have come to realise that I have no standards 😛

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh sure you do … it’s just not the standard you expected … lol … you’re a funny dude … 🙂

  10. 13dice says:

    Ha ha.. interesting ways [hygiene, manners, gender change, frenemies (true bitch spirit), commitment] .. but guys infatuated or not don’t get hints and you might piss “the one” off too if potential ones happen to be around.. can a direct and targeted approach not work?

    How about these tricks (how low can a guy stoop down to get these.. sigh)
    1. Say can we be just friends and then ignore them in all future interactions? – If the guy is really pesky and then switch to the next steps
    2. Silent treatment: No replies, Act busy 24/7/365, Don’t jump into any conversations with the “wrong ones” even you are forced to be in groups
    3. Humiliation: Introducing the “wrong one” with wrong names – repeat this a few times or just say what was your name again while introducing them around. [Repeat this and should work – shows a lot of indifference doesn’t it]
    4. Mention a fictitious buddies name and say he/she wouldn’t or don’t like you getting to xyz. Go bananas over your buddies name and bore the hell off the other guy
    5. Say you hate it when people are xxx – xxx for whatever traits the other person has and include some that can’t be changed

  11. La La says:

    I told an obsessive guy that I really wanted to get married and he would always just agree with everything I said. I think I will use #4 next time!! 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I knew these tips would come in handy to a Crazy Chick 🙂

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