5 Ways To Repel A Man

There is a phenomenon called the “minzer syndrome,” the condition of attracting men you are not attracted to. Don’t even try to understand it. Just accept the irony that in your quest to find “the one,” you can’t seem to hide from “the unwanted.” This guy plagues your existence like a pimple on your nose, or those extra ten pounds that won’t go away no matter how much you exercise.

He’s that annoying co-worker who sticks around you like a Post-it. He’s the acquaintance that keeps calling you for a date, and you don’t know how the hell he keeps getting your number even though you’ve changed it three times. He’s the helpful guy who thinks he’s your boyfriend just because he once unclogged your kitchen sink. You know the kind–relentless and clueless. You’ve tried to be polite. Subtly is Latin to him. You’ve said “NO.” You’ve told him you just want to be friends. You dream of UMR (Unwanted Man Repellent), but it hasn’t been invented. To get rid of him, you must imagine yourself a warrior. Battle will require great sacrifice of your body, mind and yes, even your reputation. But these are minor considering the ultimate victory of eradicating him from your life.

Here are five sure ways to repel the “unwanted man.”

1. Abandon hygiene (I told you there’d be sacrifices). Don’t brush your teeth or bathe for a week. Hell, make it a couple of weeks. Wear clothes so filthy that they’ve become a breeding ground for new bacteria. And when you’re nice and ripe agree to meet him for coffee.

2. Divert his interest. Introduce him to your frenemy. Tell your frenemy that he’s just won the lottery and tell him that she’s been dying to hook up with him and she likes to do threesomes with her cousin.

3. Do guy stuff in front of him. Scratch your crotch. Pick your nose. Harness a lugee deep in your gullet and challenge him to a spitting contest. Fart while you’re eating and laugh about it. If you find yourself at his place, use his bathroom, take a nice long dump, then forget to flush. This might challenge your sense of proper etiquette, but you’ve got to act and think out of your box if you want to win the war.

4. Tell him that you’re in the last phase of your sex reassignment surgery and he has the honor of popping your cherry. I know, I know, you don’t want this untruth getting around, but you can set the record straight once he’s gone.

5. If all the above fails, this last tip will have him running from you like an Olympic sprinter.

Tell him: “I really want to get married.” 

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