Confessions of a former snooper

When Pandora’s curiosity compelled her to open the jar, she unleashed all sorts of horror and evil on mankind. Have you ever been a Pandora? Have you ever had that compunction to open a friend’s medicine chest? Have you ever found yourself alone in your boyfriend’s place and decided to rummage through his drawers?  Have you ever been so curious that you invaded someone’s privacy? If curiosity killed the cat what did your curiosity do to you?

In my youth I was a snoop. Although, I likened myself to be more of an investigator of mysteries. When my parents thought I was tucked in and snoozing I was lurking and snooping. As a teen, I read a friend’s letter and found out that she was my frenemy instead of my BFF. When my ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex boyfriend left me alone at his place, I read through his old love letters and found out that his former girlfriend was sweet, but a semi-retard (“you’re my bestest friend” was how she ended her letters and cards). My immaturity led me to believe that snooping was a way to find out about the world and others around me.

Today, I am a reformed snoop. I’ll tell you why. Years ago (before I turned 30) I was at a club with friends. It was a big group. I went outside for some air and I heard a familiar cackle (and other mysterious noises) coming from around the corner of the building. I should have minded my business and gone back into the noise and the heat. Instead, I walked around the building and through the wire fence that led to the alley. I lurked and snooped and saw one of my friends making out with another friend’s boyfriend. They were quickly moving from first base to second base and closing in on a home run. The sight stunned me (that and the kamikaze shots). I was speechless, but my mouth was open so wide for so long that my spit dried.

I backed away, but my boots tripped over the curb and I went down and landed my ass on something wet. To this day, I don’t know what that “something wet” was, but it certainly wasn’t water. Thankful that I wasn’t seen, I quickly got up. But in mid-lift my pants got caught on the wire fence and when I tried to release myself, my new pair of leathers ripped on the right side of my tush. I ran back to the club with a wet, stinky ass and a ruined pair of leather pants (that cost me half a week’s pay).

What’s worse is that the bouncers almost didn’t let me in because I couldn’t show them the stamp on my right hand as it was busy holding together my ripped pants. After much arguing and semi-crying I got back in. I spent the rest of the night wearing a borrowed sweater tied around my waist and wishing I could erase, from my mind, the indiscretion I had witnessed. When my girlfriend asked me if I’d seen her boyfriend I just stared at her. I neither confirmed or denied. She dismissed my catatonia and blamed the kamikazes (I was a little sauced). When he returned they got into a big fight and thus ended their three-week relationship. This is what snooping got me–embarrassment, a bruised ass and a guilty conscience.

Now, I’m no longer tempted to snoop into matters that are none of my concern. For in my “advanced” years, I realize that the most important mystery I need to investigate is me.

If there are any snoopers or reformed snoopers out there that would like to share their story, please do so.

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

31 Responses to Confessions of a former snooper

  1. Bleau says:

    Hey… I resemble those remarks LOL We’re not snoopers we are simply “astute” observers. We have to be. How else could we possibly write anything of interest for other humans? Grist for the mill and all of that. Can’t tell my best snoop story because it doesn’t involve me. They never knew I know. That I know of LOL My ex used to say “how is it we can go out for dinner and you carry on a conversation with me, yet hear five or six around us as well?” Not hard when people are getting engaged, arguing, humorous or getting loaded, some good stuff in those years of openly “sleuthing.”

  2. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    Ha! That’s definitely an experience to end snooping! If only my mom had had a similar experience . . .

    I grew up with the expectation anything I wrote would be read. (This was repeatedly proven accurate.) I actually wrote things specifically to test the frequency with which my journals were being read. No matter where I hid them, they were always found and commented on!

    Of course, my son’s only 20 months old at this point. My take on “snooping” might be very different 15 years down the road. But then–is it snooping if it’s a clear policy?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Sanctioned snooping. I hear you about the journals. You had it bad. Probably the only place to hide it was to bury it in the backyard 🙂 Parents are always curious about what their daughters are thinking (writing) about.

  3. beider says:

    Never snooped myself, I do think snooping is wrong, unless it uncovers something worse than the snooping itself.

    As in, if you snoop on your partner and find out they have been cheating on you then the snooping is retroactively justified, however if you don’t uncover anything big then you are just an ass.

    I also think people should consider very carefully if they really want to snoop, because it usually only leads to bad consequences. Either you uncover something that makes you uncomfortable or makes you break your partnership/friendship. Or you uncover nothing and you will have a guilty conscience for being a snooping piece of shit.

    I’ve had both my girlfriends snoop on me though. First one read through all my MSN chat logs shortly after I dumped her (before she moved out). Taught me to password things better.

    The next gf after that decided to clean up a bit at my place (good excuse to snoop) and stumbled upon my stash of naughty clothing that I had bought together with the aforementioned ex-gf (clothes for her, not me) that I had not yet thrown out since I forgot about them.

    In this case it made her feel mighty uncomfortable but at least it lead to a discussion about kinks so it wasn’t all bad.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Snooping is wrong and can be hazardous as I found out the hard way. Was the naughty clothing yours? If so, do tell. I’ve given up on snooping unless you count the time I was at the nail salon and asked my manicurist to translate for me. But that’s not really snooping since I wasn’t lurking about … I was just sitting there getting my mani pedi. Thanks for commenting.

      • beider says:

        Ah if only it was mine that would have been quite the story, but alas it was not, it was of the high heel, latex and rope kink variety. The kind of thing a vanilla girl who has never had a kinky boyfriend (she was 19) and whom is not into kink herself would probably prefer not to find in her new boyfriends closet.

        But then again she has been finding fun surprises all around my flat for some time now, as you might have noticed from the blog I co-write I am into the pickup/self improvement community. So that girlfriend did stumble upon quite a few pickup / sex books. Don’t think she minded the sex books as much though 🙂

      • beider says:

        Hmm, I would say vanilla with chocolate pieces. Sadly she is still not very kinky.

        But she is getting there, I have slowly corrupted her… in a good way 🙂

  4. magsx2 says:

    When I was younger the only time I ever bothered snooping was around my Birthday and Xmas, I would search the house high and low for any presents with my name on them. Mum got better and better at hiding presents, to the point I “accidentally ” found my presents in my neighbors house, thanks to their daughter informing me that they were there. 🙂 I did eventually grow out of this snooping habit, but it took a while.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh, I did lots of snooping during christmas Did you open the presents when you found them? And, the neighbor story is excellent sooooooo cute. How old were you?

  5. I don’t know if I was a snoop. My brother call it being nosy I call it curious. Curiosity is great to build the mind. Best to continue working the brain I am getting older, lol. I have a bad habit of going through a person bathroom cabinets and draws. It start off as boredom. I sit on the toilet and take in everything. Even complimenting things in mine or say to myself how horrible. Or wonder where they buy something from. By the time I take my time consuming my surrounding to flush the toilet and watch my hand. I fix my hair in the mirror and notice it is a mirror that is not on the wall by itself. It can be open. I open it and take a quick look around and slowly close it back so that it does not click.

    Now if it has draws and another cabinet I do not go in them unless if I am out of toilet paper. Then I look under the sink and the draw. Why the draw because I am so close already so why not look there, lol. Have I tone it down of snooping. Yes and no, because so far I have been going to the same houses and nothing there interest me any more:)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OMG, I love it. Should I just call you Miss Marple?
      I just had an image of you in the bathroom and making faces in reaction to the things you see. You need to start going to different houses to vary the bathroom experience 🙂 Thanks for commenting and I hope you come back 🙂

      • No please, call me Raw:) Let Miss Marple be special and the only one because we all are unique:)

        I could not agree with you faster than .5 second, lol, yes I do Lafemmeroar. I need more friends or associate. Because public bathrooms are so boring and you know what to expect, lol.

  6. hawleywood40 says:

    I am somewhat reformed, although it would probably take a bruised ass I haven’t yet gotten for me to entirely give up snooping : ). Funny thing is, when I see drama coming I run in the other direction, so I can’t quite figure out the perverse part of me that needs to look for it!

  7. I think in many cases, snooping is a control issue. Many people snoop because they believe in knowing, they can control someone or control a situation. Learning to give control back to God was one of the hardest thing I had to do.

    In you situation with the wet leather – sounds like divine intervention to me. 🙂

    God Bless…

  8. timethief says:

    I’ve never been a snooper and I think that’s because my mother was one who had no bundaries at all. She invaded everyon’es privacy contuniually so I chose not to be like her.

    When I was a teen and discovered I had a girlfriend who went through medicine cabinets and drawers and read other people’s diaries and notebooks I dumped her.

    Snoopy adults with voyeuristic behaviors are immature types, who lack boundaries, have control issues as mentioned above, and tend to have personality types that are judgmental of others. When challenged on their bad behaviors they counter with “I was just curious”. Yeah sure — here’s the door and don’t let it slam your backside on the way out.

  9. hollyjb says:

    Your ‘ripped leather pants incident’ sounded like something from a movie or a TV show…maybe ‘How I Met Your Mother’, lol. BTW, I like acronyms as well, and I realize that they can be handy when in chat rooms. But that still doesn’t excuse the lack of elementary punctuation! 😛

    Nice post. ^_^

  10. I’m a sometimes-snooper, but only in a new man’s place, and I’m only looking for signs of another woman. And yes… I’ve found them. Sadly, I discovered by accident, while looking for a pen in a drawer, that an ex was cheating. Happily, that’s the only one, and usually snooping creates this sort of flipping sensation in my stomach that I don’t like much, because the fear of what I might find is always worse than what I actually do find.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I stopped snooping in my twenties. Back then I did find incriminating evidence (name of a girl and phone on a piece of paper–pre cell phone days) leading me to believe that he was flirting with another. We weren’t serious and at that time (I was in my 20s) he shouldn’t have left me alone in his place. I stopped seeing him after that day, but not before I dunked his tooth brush in the toilet and put it back in the glass.

  11. thaitonight says:

    loool! the scene in the alley ect is like something of the telly. I think snooping just highlights our own insecurities, mayb not trusting someone, or just the simple fact why peep into other lives unless your trying to hide from your own?
    Really like the post tho

  12. Pingback: My Funny Insanity « Lafemmeroar

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