Online Dating is it a Good Idea? Part 3.2

My quest to find love online continues. Each dating website I explore reminds me of my idea of the human condition–we’re all a big mess and we’re all looking for love to give us a sense of peace and order in a malfunctioning universe. Here’s my adventure with Love Access:

Love Access is free, but you can’t make initial contact until you upgrade. But upgraded members can send you instant messages. So, I explored the site looking for the incentive to upgrade my account.

I found an interesting video chat room named the “Zoo” with a warning statement: “Please Don’t Feed the Animals.” Profanity in the Zoo is as prevalent as weeds on a neglected lawn and the conversation delves into the banter of people on meds or need meds. I clicked on a few chatters with video cams. Some were rather mundane (woman playing guitar, guy scratching his balls, drunk woman trying to act sexy), but some images I saw would haunt my mind for weeks.

I grew bored and decided to chime in on the chat. I began by commenting correcting spelling errors. I told a member named “tuttyl” that “%unt” was spelled with a “c” and not a “k.” Then he told me to “%ick” off spilcheckir.” I corrected him again then “Barbie 90210” said that I should “mined my business.” I gave up on the rudimentary spelling lessons and asked another “zooer” named “yummyman” his location and he said “from between your legs.” Well at least “yummyman” can spell. I tried once more to strike a coherent conversation and asked the chatters if they’ve seen any good movies. They responded with these titles: “The Human Centipede,” “Deep Throat IV,” and “Pirates.” I don’t think they meant “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

Then a “detectman” invited me to a private chat. I accepted. Expecting the worst, I was surprised when he began the chat with “I’ve been hurt many times by women.” I told him to go on (big mistake) and he did. Well dear readers, he went on to say what a nice guy he is and about how much he “loves to please women.” The chat quickly went from rated G to almost X until I cut him off and replied that I’m not into “Chatterotica.” Then he told me to have a nice life before I jump off a cliff. I thought that nice turn of phrase was funny, but before I could type “lol” he was gone.

I left the Zoo and checked on members (12 so far) who viewed my profile. I was doing very well considering I only uploaded a picture of Betty-Boop (I wouldn’t reveal myself by uploading my avatar!). One member had this intro line: “I don’t care where you are in the world, but if your profile says you’re from Utah, but you’re actually from Uganda, then you’ve already lied 2 me.

Had I lied about myself by uploading Betty-Boop? So I deleted Betty and left my picture empty–just like my love life. I decided that it would be a good idea to keep my account active as I plan revisit the Zoo. Next time I’ll bring a special treat for the animals. 

Stay tuned for Part 3.3 and click here for previous posts.

Dateless but not hopeless,


© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

30 Responses to Online Dating is it a Good Idea? Part 3.2

  1. hollyjb says:

    Wow, some people eh? That’s one of the things I don’t like with chatting and texting. The spelling. I guess text speak has it’s purpose, especially if you don’t have a full keypad at your fingertips. But I’ve found that the use of short forms and acronyms has spilled over into things like FB messages. I almost hate it when my sister leaves me a message because I can barely read it, especially if it’s long. I guess being someone who can type quite fast I’m ok using full words most of the time…

    I think the thing that bugs me the most is lack of punctuation. Even if you don’t want to use a capitol letter, but a ‘.’ so I know it’s a new sentence! A run-on sentence that’s as long as this comment (or longer, I’ve had that happen before :S) is very frustrating.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      As you know I love acronyms. I don’t really like to text, but I found a list of texting lingo that I’ll keep for reference. The chatters in that room were funny. Sure some were rude and borderline angry, but I guess they’re all looking for the same thing …

      • l says:

        Kudos, wit is written all across this page

        Para 3 (“zoo”) has struck a chord. It is the wittiest bunch of lines ive read recently and in a way describe my week.

        For a guy who deals in meds (the third kind ; u missed out on and cud have been a ray of hope ) and has spent a few hours this week in dating rooms, I share your disappointment and ‘pain’ (yes haunting images which cud last a while).

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Oh my, another kindred soul. I’m so glad you discovered my blog. I’d love to compare notes with you. Actually I left out lots of other incidents only because it was too strange and I could’t go there. Hop you come back soon 🙂

  2. Thomas Ink says:

    All I could think about as I read that entire article was: “Man, people are CREEPY.”

  3. Bleau says:

    LMAO Love the way you write about your experiences and the new word, well new to this CCC’s vocabulary: “Chatterotica.” Wishing you better luck than I have had… well, to date… 🙂 Awaiting your next instalment.
    That was funny about have a nice life before you jump off a cliff. Too bad he’s not LOL

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      See comments like that (have a nice life …) are “witticisms” that make me smile even at my expense. The sick part of me was intrigued by him after he made the comment but he clicked out of the private chat. Oh well … stay tuned for the next episode. I think I’ll add “Chatterotica” to my vocab. Thanks for the idea 🙂

  4. momfog says:

    I love these posts. On one hand, they make me happy I’m married. On the other, there’s a whole aspect of the world I’m missing. People fascinate me. Can’t wait for the next one!

  5. jaerae1971 says:

    Well don’t give up, my bestie just married someone she met on….in fact I married them, and they are great together. There are normal people out there. There’s just a lot of weeding you need to do to find them.

  6. hahhaahaaha

    one would think an upgraded account would keep the crazies out
    I think its commendable ur not totally creeped out and plan to visit again for the sake of science

  7. I sent this post to a friend, he says:
    ‘the funniest para ive read this month
    weeds, med, profanity, hurt rolled in 1 morsel’


  8. frigginloon says:

    That was the funniest friggin dating post I have read in a long time. “Fi** Off spilcheckir” LMfrigginAO.

  9. G-rated to X-rated in a matter of seconds. Story of my life and sadly accurate, haha. Great post!

  10. Miss Nae says:

    This made me grin…I’ve tried the online thing. Met a few people – none of whom I’d marry. They were pretty normal depending on your definition but I think I’m back to the old way of meeting people. Before the internet, you had to pound the pavement or have your friend hook you up. Good luck!

  11. Patti Kuche says:

    You brave adventuress, bringing us wild tales from the savage jungle that is internet dating! Do you ever wonder how many of these men are truly single? Which of course is a stupid question because they certainly sound as though they deserve to be . . .

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You’re sooooo funny: “Which of course is a stupid question because they certainly sound as though they deserve to be . . .” I agree completely.

  12. The good ones are out there, trust me. However, I believe there are good places to look, and bad places to look. The “zoo” I fear is no better than the dive bar at 4 am. It may be possible to find a “diamond” in the rough, but….


    just my .02

  13. I wish you success in finding love. The dating website sounds entertaining. I love it who ever came up with the “zoo” found the appropriate name, lol.

  14. livincreatively says:

    That was hilarious! I turned 45 yesterday and it’s like I’m 25 all over again. I met somone I was CRAZY about last year, he flaked on me and it left me feeling off balance. I put myself on a timeout. So while I chanted for clarity which I got, I continue to chant for his courage while refocusing on my prayer for my life and the floodgates seemed to have opened up. I have been dialoguing and dating quite a bit as of late just having a really good time.
    So my Dear, please DO keep us posted as the process is just as beneficial as the journey. You are wonderful.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you! I like to think I’m wonderful, but it helps when somebody else says it 🙂 I’m 46 and sometimes I feel 12 and when I’m daydreaming I feel 26. I’m having fun researching the sites. Sometimes what I read there depresses me (thinking about slim pickings out there), but I get a good laugh out of it. I’ll keep you posted …

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