Blooming romance at the grocery store

Just when I thought chivalry was dead, a tasty piece of beefcake, who looked like Keanu Reeves and Tom Selleck hybridized in one luscious body, let me go in front of him at the grocery store line. I said thank you and he said no problem. I thought he was too busy re-arranging the various “whatevers” inside his cart to notice me, but when he flashed a dimpled smile my way, my mind conjured images of Keanu and Tom ala threesome. After he finished organizing his groceries he stood next to my cart and introduced himself. I can tell he was nervous for instead of shaking hands he continued to jingle his keys inside his pockets.

Moments later he brushed his dark wavy hair with his left hand. No wedding band. I checked the other hand. Yes! All ten digits were ringless–no band to cock-block this fateful meeting. There were eight people ahead of “us.” Notice my use of the collective pronoun. My mind was coupling “us” up already and we barely said hello. I also hoped that the cashier didn’t let me down by being efficient and fast. I needed the usual–incompetent and slow. In fact, I hoped that the cashier was a total moron who screwed up every transaction because I was in no hurry to check out.

Keanu-Tom and I began to talk. Like me he’s single, in his mid-forties, and has no kids. I was amazed at how easily he gave up this information as we seamlessly moved from one topic to another. He asked if I’d seen the movie version of Ayn Rand’s book “Atlas Shrugged.” I said no. Then the universe aligned in harmony as we both said in unison”Who is John Galt,” the first line in the book. What were the chances of something like that happening? We both laughed. Instant affinity. My mind raced, but not as fast as my heart. Was this love at first sight? Was this the beginning of happily ever after?

He impressed me with his knowledge of Ayn Rand’s philosophy of objectivism. He gave me a quick schooling on reason, logic, individuality, epistemology and the virtues of laissez-faire economy. I already knew all that crap as I have all of Rand’s books, but I listened with interest and feigned amazement as if those things were important to me. OMG, a hunky cutie and a brainiac! Was it Christmas? Then the conversation lightened up a bit.

We exchanged numbers 21st century style–he texted me his digits after I gave him mine. Seven carts to go and he made a bold move. He pulled out his phone again and texted: “Coffee tomorrow?” I texted with a “YES.” We talked about music and discovered we have the same songs in our play lists. Again, what are the chances? Six carts to go and he texted: “Dinner next weekend?” And I responded with: “Sushi?” I received a “YES” back. After a few more rounds of texting and dialoguing he chuckled and said that this must be how the kids do it. I agreed, then he suggested meeting for happy hour during the week. A fantasy life with Keanu-Tom flashed through my mind as I got closer to the check-out counter. This was Kismet; this was fate.

He helped me place my groceries on the counter. I truly felt connected to him. “We” felt like old friends. There I go again with the collective pronoun, but I couldn’t help it. I was reeled into him. Such events and coincidences had to be fate. (Ayn Rand is probably rolling in her grave at my illogical thinking.) I didn’t care, I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places and he was right here all along–a fellow patron of my local grocery store. How many times had he and I shopped here at the same time and never crossed paths? But today was different. I paid for my purchases and as I waved goodbye to him he gestured with his phone indicating that he’d call me. I smiled and tried to keep my composure. Years from now when I tell people how Keanu-Tom and I met I’ll say that it was an instant love line from my heart to his. I took my time walking to my car hoping that he’d catch up with me at the parking lot so we could continue our conversation. A few more witty exchanges could move coffee from tomorrow to today.

A few minutes later I saw him walk out. I was stupefied when I saw what seemed to be a big box of Pampers right on top of his cart. Is that what he was trying to hide rearrange? I prayed it was a box of Depends–for I preferred  to believe that he was incontinent over the idea that he lied about not having kids. Then again, he could have bought them for a friend right? I watched him put away his groceries into a mini-van. Pampers plus mini-van didn’t mean anything right? There’s nothing wrong with a man driving a mini-van. Right? I remained in denial until I compiled enough evidence.

So I got in my car and did something insane–I screeched out of my spot, drove to the next aisle and parked my car behind his. I got out of my car and received another shock to my gut–when I saw not one but two car seats in the back seat. I walked up to his side of the vehicle. His left hand was on the wheel and guess what I saw? Yes indeedy! He had a wedding band on his left ring finger. Was that what he was jingling inside his pant pocket? This is what my physical reality proved:

Pampers + mini-van + car seats + wedding band = lying bastard.

Surprised to see me, he flashed one of his dimpled smiles, but I didn’t smile back. I wanted to scream at his audacity for lying to me. I wanted to pummel him with the box of diapers. I said nothing, but my eyes fixed on his wedding band. He ran his hands through his thick mop. I can explain the M.I.L.K. said. I nodded and said I’m sure you can and so can I as I reached for my phone and sent him a text. He picked up his cell and saw: “Who is a lying married prick with kids?–YOU.” His silence proved his guilt.

How could I have been enticed with a sweet talking stranger just because we liked the same books and we happened to say some lame line from a work of literary fiction? Was I that gullible? I was disappointed, but I learned one thing from this experience. Next time a cute guy flirts with me at the grocery store, I’m going to check the contents of his push cart before I let my mind conjure up thoughts of happily ever after. Words are cheap, but physical reality is priceless.

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

53 Responses to Blooming romance at the grocery store

  1. Romance and food….what a delicious combo!!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I don’t know what I love more food or men. Food has never let me down … 🙂

      • mysterycoach says:

        How about food, then men … then men, then food… then desert, then MORE men, then food… etc., etc., etc., 🙂

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          If I consumed men the way I consume food, then I’d be a total sl%t.

    • mysterycoach says:

      ROFL 🙂 I’d tell you how many men I’ve slept with but then I’d have to kill you! I am thin though ! 🙂

      Seriously though… you know, I don’t think women are sluts if they go outside what people perceive to be the normal “amount” of guys they have slept with. Define normal …

      • Lafemmeroar says:

        I can’t because I’m a round person living in a square universe 🙂

      • mysterycoach says:

        I’m the square peg, nice to meet you. 🙂

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I remember that show 🙂 Actually, I’m not that round, I’m curvy on top 🙂

      • mysterycoach says:

        I’m on my way to being my old self… 3/4 of the way there! Just have to work around old injuries. Svelt … that’s my goal 🙂

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I feel svelte sometimes 🙂

      • mysterycoach says:

        I wore a pair of tight black yoga (or something like that) pants last week. Stretchy material and I tell ya… I felt svelt !

        It’s amazing how good you can feel in some clothes….

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Anything black makes me feel good–especially if it stretches. I do have a handful of fav pieces that I wear over and over–one of them are GAP jeans. Love my boot cuts to death. I agree with you, when you feel good in what you’re wearing it helps in taking on the day.

      • mysterycoach says:

        Oh sure absolutely, I love boot cut myself. My black stretch pants were boot cut at the bottom too. They look good that way. I love yoga pants too. I bought these jeans from Old Navy called “The Flirt” and they fit me like they were MADE for me… man my butt looks good in dem jeans! LOL 🙂

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          The Flirt huh? Gonna have to check em out 🙂

    • mysterycoach says:

      Yah, depending on your measurements they’re pretty nice. I usually get really long ones with a long inseam… so they go down past my foot. I love that look too… I think they have different variations of it too, not just one body type.

  2. l says:

    you have proved that even inefficient cashiers can be an asset

    we charge more, cuz our cashiers help u meet people

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Lmao … here’s hoping that the next one I meet is a Pinnochio. At least I’ll know right away when he’s lying. Thanks for reading and I hope you come back soon 🙂

  3. l says:

    store tag line

    ‘get checked out, at check out’

    GCOCO

  4. marcialoyd says:

    Men! That’s all I’ve got to say. I have yet to run across one that is not a Pinocchio! Someday!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh you said a mouthful sister. Imagine if I didn’t put my crazy cap on and just drove away thinking I’d hit the jackpot with a smart cutie? Thanks for visiting 🙂

  5. Awww… and now of course I’m wondering if the guy I met last night at my networking event is also a lying bastard… I guess I’ll find out next week over Mojitos… Fingers crossed!!! And why the hell would a guy do that??? Of course, I’ve been asking variations of that question in every blog I’ve written so far:)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I don’t know, but I’m about to publish my next post about how to detect a liar. It should be up in about 20 minutes 🙂

  6. Pingback: How to Become a Human Lie Detector « Lafemmeroar's Blog

  7. mysterycoach says:

    OMG… that’s just awful.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The good thing about “awful” is that I can laugh about it afterwards:) Thanks for reading and commenting. Hope you come back for more …

      • mysterycoach says:

        I asked a guy out years ago who came to my building where I worked. Turns out he was married but I ended up helping him instead with his relationship. That was a good thing… He was just … lost. He loved her and he told me so… there are good guys out there. I felt good too about him talking to me and I hope I helped him.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          The coach of love … is that you? 🙂 Thanks for sharing that wonderful story. Good guys and good women …. 🙂

      • mysterycoach says:

        LOL Well… You know, I don’t know if I’m the luv coach … I see stuff and uhm… I always, “always” want to be wrong. I try to give the benefit of the doubt though right up through to the point where it can bury me. Honestly? It all makes me sad … but this guy in the parking lot and other people I know, are not bad, they’re loyal, they come from a place of integrity and they want what matters in life.

        I look at it this way, with all the trials and errors I have made in my life, someone should benefit from that knowledge. I’m highly sensitive to things, so it’s difficult sometimes to siphon through and make sense of it.

        Thanx LaFemme 🙂 I am a good woman… and he really loved his wife, I watched him struggle with my invitation before he blurted out his story. (he was an extremely attractive guy) but uh… you know? That’s not mine to take or go after. I’m not second best and I wouldn’t put another woman through that. I hope my advise worked for him.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I’m glad you found my blog as you’re a great contributor to the comments. Many of my readers are so perceptive and funny. I love it when they comment because the thread takes on a life and story of their own. Check out the CCC page for a list of some of my readers and subscribers. They’re all wonderful crazy chicks who have great stories to tell.

    • mysterycoach says:

      Thank you very much LeFemme, I appreciate the compliment. I’ll check out the CCC (not sure I have so much time normally, I have to focus on some things in my personal life) I can try though… I have to reopen my blog eventually… I shut it down to go through it for things I want to write specifically about.

      • Lafemmeroar says:

        Do what you need to do, then come back. You are always very welcome here 🙂

      • mysterycoach says:

        Oh geezzzzz… I just got misty 🙂 Ha! I’m such a SAP! Thank you and I will 🙂

  8. hollyjb says:

    I wish it wasn’t so. You deserve someone who makes you laugh as much as you make us laugh!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh thank you so much. I want to find him too. Are you listening man of my dream? 🙂

  9. Bleau says:

    Awwww. I’m not mocking a politician when I say I feel your pain. It’s a rollercoaster ride, isn’t it, trying not to be jaded about the whole thing when sh*t like this just keeps happening. The one I’m currently “seeing” doesn’t do weekends, apparently. Not smelling good at all. Saw him four times, a Friday, a Tuesday, a Wednesday, a Thursday. If I follow him, I will likely discover a wife living with him. Sigh. Thanks for sharing, beautifully written and I was so hopeful for you by the end, especially the romantic Ayn Rand connection – honestly met so few people who read her let alone liked her, I felt like crying (and hitting him over the head with one of those car seats). Well, chin up, girl and right back at ’em. There is a guy for you, you just haven’t met one “good enough for YOU yet!”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I know … who reads her these days right? That’s what got me with the “Who is John Galt” line. Isn’t it crazy? BTW, have you ever seen “The Fountainhead” with Gary Cooper and Patricia Neal? It’s an okay movie, but they looked so hot together and Neal is sooooooo beautiful in that film. I’m not sure Ayn Rand’s work can really be successful on film, which is why I skipped “Atlas Shrugged” and it had a limited release anyway. I’ll try and catch it on video.

      In terms of this guy you’re seeing it does sound sketchy, but how do you feel when you’re with him? Why can’t he do weekends? Have you asked?

      • mysterycoach says:

        Yah… why can’t he do weekends? (Sorry, Hi… nice to meet you :)) has it been a long time you’ve been seeing him? Does he have kids… a schedule with them or… Yah… that doesn’t smell good to me either.

        I’d ask… before you’re in too deep. Honestly? If he runs.. you save yourself the wondering and you can move on…

  10. Wow, the range of emotions this post evokes is pretty impressive. I found myself really rooting for you as I snickered my way through your choice of wording until you turned the story upside down and the entire world of beliefs I’d just erected collapsed atop me.

    I am telling myself there is no way this actually happened…. this stuff only ever occurs in primetime dramas. But alas, you tell the story with such detailed angst, it’s obvious you were there.

    Beautifully crafted recollection. Thanks for sharing such a raw experience!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you very much. What a great compliment. If I can’t laugh at these absurd events, then I will just crack like Humpty-Dumpty. I felt silly and gullible at being reeled in over commonalities. I realize that it’s not really what you have in common with a person … I don’t have a conclusion for that statement, but hopefully I’ll find one someday … thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

      • You’re very welcome. The compliment is the least I could do – I always derive so much for great storytellers. A few seconds to let you know how we feel is a small price to pay for motivation, inspiration and a couple of tips to take with me for crafting great story.

        I’ll be back for more!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Thanks. You gave me and idea that I should write short stories on my blog. I’ve been thinking of adding a page for that 🙂

  11. changingmoods says:

    Aw, man. Sorry it turned out like that. I don’t understand why some men feel the need to lie like that. It’s aggravating.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It is a let down, but what gets me pissy is how they think they can get away with it.

  12. Patti Kuche says:

    I am sorry but I had alarm bells ringing from the get-go with the no wedding band, hoping this would have a happier ending for you. The suspense killed me. Honestly, I don’t know why anyone bothers with wedding rings, or engagement rings
    His wife at home is probably so proud of him. Such a good husband and father, so helpful and he absolutely insists on doing the shopping. Such a thorough shopper, always takes his time . . . .inducing big friend envy in the process.
    Who is John Galt? We know who Dick Head is!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao on your last line!!!!!!!!!!!!! on that’s precious. You’re too funny. I’m tearing up …

  13. Pingback: Friday With Friends – 7 Deadly Princesses, Wolves, Mazes and Sex Changes | fictionandfoibles

  14. karenoia says:

    well written my friend…and well texted too. urgh i hate that — but the illusion is always better than the reality and your imagination is so rich surely you imbue people with qualities they could never have — you gave to them in your big smart mind….
    i hve to always remind myself that it takes years to see peoples true colors. including girl friends

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Karen. And I hope you connect with the other CCs in the club 🙂

  15. Lying. Bastard. I am now single, and may I add terrified…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      How long have you been single?

  16. John says:

    Guys like that make guys like me want to smack guys like that.
    I’m so impressed that you can be such a hard line, staunch, “don’t f@#% with me” woman and still maintain your humor for all to see.
    I love to read you.
    Sincerely, john

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks John.

      That encounter was a real let down. Although my last name is roar, I’m not really one to yell out loud “literally.” I can laugh about that guy now–I believe in karma 🙂

  17. John says:

    Yeah. One day he’ll get his ring finger caught in a city bus door and the driver won’t notice it for thirty blocks.

Talk to me :)

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