Perks of Being Kid-less … and loving it

I heard it again folks. The other day someone asked me if I had any children and when I said NO I got the usual why not. So I told them being sans kid(s) has its perks:

When I hear someone cry I can ignore it.

I don’t have to give anyone a temporary time out. I just permanently delete them on my Blackberry.

When someone asks for a bottle I hand them a beer. And get one for myself.

I can be selfish and not feel guilty about it. 

If someone needs to throw up I show them the toilet.

A happy meal means a plate of pasta. 

A bar stool is the only high chair I need.

I don’t have to watch “Barney and Friends.” That purple thing just sounds creepy.

The only toys I buy are the kind that vibrate and they’re always for me.

    and finally …

The only ass I have to wipe is mine.

Don’t get me wrong readers. I love kids. They’re cute and cuddly, but I know they’re hard work–I used to be one myself (still am in many ways). So, to all the mothers out there, I salute you. To all the ladies without kids enjoy your freedom, enjoy your choice, and love your life as I am mine.

Any thoughts?

Nominated for Best Humor Blog at Bloggers Choice Awards. Please vote 🙂

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

52 Responses to Perks of Being Kid-less … and loving it

  1. blog looks different
    whats wid d new theme Lafem?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Went from Albeo to Bueno … what do you think? I needed a theme that displays my tagline.

  2. I like being kid-less myself

    now we have a bonafide blog post documenting the merits thereof

    thanks Lafem

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You’re very welcome 🙂

  3. AMEN SISTER!! You are singing to the choir!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yay! You are a kindred soul.

  4. the first thing I thought of when I saw the theme was ‘IMPACT’ font

    if it lets u display a tagline, its a good choice

    I would try to keep some features of the blog such as a logo or font constant while d other stuff changes

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I would like to have a “Lafemmeroar” logo created and a new icon. I do have dark hair and I’m always smiling, but that gravatar needs a little color even though I’m always in black n white. I’m new to this, so I don’t really know how “far” the blog will go to warrant doing all that. I’d like to use a different font for my postings, but I think I’m limited unless I upgrade.

  5. madtante says:

    I actually posted another moment of my insanity today about the childless thing. It’s not that I can’t physically have kids (that I know of but SHEEIT my eggs are getting old) but I have lots of reasons…That said, it’s not that I “don’t want” kids (necessarily–to me it’s not a toggle “yes” “no”; there’s a bit more that goes into it).

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I have a secret to share: If men could have the kids … I’d want five. But that’s just a fantasy.

  6. I have many thoughts in response to this!

    I didn’t intend to be a mother, but I’m glad I became one. My life’s much richer for it. It’s also much more full of stuff that has to be done virtually every single waking moment, so that I completely understand why folks would not want kids. Each path has its merits.

    My other key strain of thought is, why the eff do these bozos think it’s any of their business? A friend’s friend gets the question all the time, and it’s painful for her each time since she wants to have her own kids but is physically incapable. She’ll likely adopt someday, but for people to jab her thoughtlessly–without even seeing the thoughtlessness of what they’re doing!–is maddening to me. It’s like folks who ask me if Li’l D is adopted. No, no and eff no–but how is the answer either way any of their business? I like his godmother’s approach to this: “If your child were clearly a Martian, I would still not ask you if he’d actually descended form your loins! He is your child, and that’s that!”

    I think I’m generally opposed to the idea one has taken exactly the right path one’s life and that any deviation is thus aberrant.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Exactly!. We all write our own rules and take our own path in life. Some people don’t understand the possibility of taking a different path. I salute all mothers because it’s the hardest job in the world. But it’s not a tragedy not to have kids if people like me don’t want them and adoption is always an option for those who do. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

  7. Eva McCane says:

    this may sound terrible, but as a mother, I can appreciate the whole kidless thing. i remember being kidless, and you don’t take advantage of the time you have because you don’t realize the amount of time that’s consumed once a child arrives…but there’s nothing better.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It’s not terrible. I hear this a lot from friends with kids. But when I see their faces when they’re with their kids–I see love and joy.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It’s not terrible. I hear this a lot from friends with kids. But when I see their faces when they’re with their kids–I see love and joy.

  8. timethief says:

    My husband and I celebrate the choice we made to remain childfree. As we both were elder children in large families, who ended up raising our younger siblings, we have nver regretted that choice and neither have they. lol 😀

    “Here’s a fun fact: the universal symbol of love and affection has its origins in an herb that let the ancients fornicate [like rabbits] free from the worries of pregnancy. Yep, thats right, the heart shaped sign that we all know and love originated as the universal sign for a natural birth control pill. ->

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hey, I’ll have to check the link And btw, you and your blog have helped me in soooooooooo many ways. I have many of your pages bookmarked 🙂

  9. mysterycoach says:

    LOL 🙂 I’m glad I had my daughter, would never give her back, however I can appreciate this list LOL 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I salute you mom!

  10. Paul says:

    Oh boy. Lots of things enter my head. Will answer your question with a “Dramatic Monologue” on my blog called NO TELLING, entered in a contest years ago. Personally, I straddle the two worlds as one whose maternal instinct was so fulfilled by younger siblings and long term care of the children of others, I have very close, loving bonds with them, yet the freedom to simply enjoy my own state of living my life out biologically childless (despite attempts otherwise. It just happened that way and in my late thirties, I decided I can either get bitter or better and chose “better.” I am so filled with gratitude that my life went the way it did, I have no words. PS Just a heads up: my piece in answer to your question is pretty serious, may offend or upset some. Sorry I went on, so many thoughts. Good topic, LFR, well said 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I love your comment 🙂 As I always say it’s better to laugh at the malfunction of the universe than to cry about it. Better is always BEST.

  11. You forgot the most important perk – sleeping in.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OMG, you’re right. Just add that to the list as an addendum

  12. timethief says:

    Here’s another advantage to being childfree. You will never be faced with an adult child who is still at home living off you at the age of 25. Nor will you be faced with them marrying someone and wanting to move that person into their bedroom in your home so you have to support both of them.

  13. jsh0608 says:

    There are perks with not having kids. When my husband and I want to go somewhere we just get dressed and don’t have to worry about getting the kids ready or having a babysitter…but on the other we have been trying for almost 5 years and can’t wait to have kids. But yes…we are totally enjoying the time we have to ourselves. :0)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      My best wishes to you in conceiving. Let’s hope that your total time to yourselves will include a little one 🙂

  14. Secret says:

    Here here sister! I love, love, love being child free. Can’t imagine it any other way, don’t even want to. And it drives me NUTS when people find out I have no kids at my age. They always judge me. It really isn’t anyones business why I don’t have kids, and frankly the people who ask me about it are rude and inconsiderate in my books.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Here’s to other people’s children. I love them, I can spoil them and I love spending time with them because I can always give them back.

  15. Was going to post a bit earlier but had to change a nappy. Not mine I’ll hasten to point out perhaps! Lafemmeroar love this post but the most shocking comment to me was about your phone. You sound more HTC than Blackberry to me!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol I had to Google HTC. I have a love/hate relationship with my “dumb” BB.

  16. frigginloon says:

    I’m with you La Femme, if God meant me to have children he would have made men giving birth! The whole thing is too frightening for this loon!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      hehe thanks, but did u see my response to madtante?
      It is frightening that’s why I salute all mothers.

  17. The Barney thing applies to most children’s programming, especially Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is like a bad acid trip wrapped in the worst nightmare you can dream of.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Haven’t heard of that show, glad i’ve never seen it 🙂

  18. hawleywood40 says:

    I am so with you on this! I always said “I need too much me time to have kids AND work, and I can’t figure out how not to work.” That said, a big part of me also totally relates to your comment “if the men had the kids, I’d have five.” : )

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I really would have five. Let him have the stretch marks and the leaky nips. Like I say, being a mother is hard work in every way.

  19. Patti Kuche says:

    Great Perk List and the last one alone explains why I will never, ever have a dog!

  20. Cashier says:

    Since I’ve been married, all I hear from people is “Are you pregnant yet????” which pisses me off because it’s none of their business. Why do people assume pregnancy comes immediately after marriage or at all, for that matter?

    While we are planning on having children some day, the more people say this to me the longer I want to wait to have kids. 😛

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It’s like when you were young and your mother tells you to do something. You take your sweet old time in defiance because you didn’t like her tone of voice. Or maybe some people think life has this domino effect. But you can design the pattern of how the pieces will fall. Thanks for visiting me and I hope you come back again. 🙂

  21. Ms. NOYB says:

    hahaha a Plate of Pasta. That is classic shit my friend. Man I could go for a happy meal. My cellulite is saying absolutely not.

  22. I can so relate……married late in life and thought for a while I’d miss not having kids….not so much any more….maybe its just old age…..but I like not having to worry about anyone but me…

  23. wow!
    a lot of activity since I was last here!
    talk about hitting a nerve…

    I’ve been blogging for 5 years but never really got into the bells and whistles
    by comparison, your blog is a trailblazer! (not sure if anyone uses that word anymore)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks that means a lot. It’s hard to post everyday and I’ve missed a day or so here and there. Stay tuned for my next post as it’s something personal and all I have to say is that I’m glad I’m anonymous 🙂

  24. supernaut says:

    Well… five years ago I would have probably shared your sentiments. But now that I have a daughter, there’s no way I would think of being “kid-less”.

    In fact, what worries me is that this time is flying by so fast… In another few years she will have her own universe with her friends, and we will be relegated to the fringes of her world. But that’s OK I guess – watching her grow (physically and emotionally) is a journey where each moment is beautiful (sounds cliched I think, but you *have* to experience it to understand.

    Hey – the new look it great!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      When my niece was little I used to take her little arms and remind her not to grow so fast. It became a thing she and I did. I’d wave her arm and say “what do I keep telling you” and she’d say “I know, I know, don’t grow up so fast, but I can’t help it.” She’s 15 now beautiful and very independent. It makes me sad and happy at the same time.

  25. Ruth D. says:

    I think you forgot one advantage…no waking up in the middle of the night because there’s a kid screaming like it saw the biggest spider in the world! 😛

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Good point. 🙂

  26. There are definitely perks to being childless and to having children. What’s great is when you are able to enjoy your life, regardless of whether you have kids or not. Sounds like you are having a great time and loving it!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I have my moments of negative chaos, but of course laughing about helps. Thanks for visiting 🙂 Hope you come back.

  27. Tilly Bud says:

    You couldn’t tell me this 21 years ago…? 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol, it took years to come up with this list … 🙂

  28. Reblogged this on diaryofwife73's Blog and commented:

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