Red, White and Blue All Over Me

Just call me Morticia, for even in the hell of the heat I’ll wear black, which is exactly what I did at a recent pre-4th of July barbecue I attended as a tag along with another single friend of mine. I don’t want to be the only unmarried one there she said and of course she singled me out from her handful of other single and not hating it lady friends. As I’m not the type to turn down free food and booze, I agreed.

So, she picks me up and the first thing out of her mouth is you look like you’re going to a funeral. I saw nothing wrong with black capri pants, black shirt and black flats. Sure I was monochromatic, but it was better than looking like a psychedelic acid trip, which is what my friend looked like in her poly blend fruitbowlesque sexy get-up. I’m all for diversity, but too much color confuses me. You’ll burn in black it’s hot today she said. No I won’t I said for I didn’t plan to hang outside as I intended to luxuriate inside within the comforts of air-conditioning as I multi-tasked schmoozing with chewing on the paella (rumored to be served) and sipping on a mojito (crossing my fingers that they know how to make one).

We get there and the first thing I thought when I saw a brood of children running like a buffalo herd. was that my friend tricked me AGAIN into attending a children’s party, which I avoid like the plague. So, I look at her with WTF eyes and she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She introduced me to her friend L who has four kids (she’s a brave warrior) and who was also holding a big 4th of July themed sheet cake . Some kid came up and said I want a big piece. L quickly shooed him away and I gathered he must have been one of her four. I offered to help her carry the cake to the table and there I saw a big platter of paella (ah, my friend wasn’t fibbing). L seemed very nice and said that her husband was outside manning the grill (paella and barbecue–interesting combination in my tummy).

My friend headed straight outside where the men conglomerated. I assessed the male-female ratio and the numbers ticking in my head concluded that everyone was paired up. I pulled her aside, gave her my findings and told her that she’s wasting her cleavage. No she said and explained that L’s brother was there . He was single and looking and he had a friend. I saw two men next to the barbecue grill. One was tall and cute–the other short and dumpy.

Now, considering the various malfunctions of my universe who do you think L’s brother was? Yup–tallie and cutie pie-yee, which meant that short, dumpy and bald with a comb over “Norm” (not his real name) was mine. L comes out of the house in time to make introductions and I guess “Norm” wasn’t interested as he took a gander at me and said aren’t you hot in black? Then he said you remind me of this movie, but I can’t remember the name.

I should have told him that greasy comb-overs are out, so who the hell are you to talk about my ensemble but I kept silent. But if he mentions “The Adams Family” then the gloves are off ’cause I’m fixin’ to hurt me some Uncle Fester lookalike. My friend giggled and said oh I’m always telling her to get some color in her life, then she nudged her cleavage closer to L’s brother who was either blinded by the color of her dress or the miraculous appearance of her high beams in the scorching heat. Norm takes another look at me and said you know my sister is a color analyzer and I bet she could do wonders with you. Between my friend poly-anna-yester, comb over Normfester, and boobie-eyed I had no ally.

So Norm said I’ll be right back; I’m going to get my sister she’s been dying to colorize someone here today. Colorize? Fashion tips? Was I in hell? So Norm goes inside to fetch color girl, poly-anna-yester and boobie-eye leave and stand under a tree to flirt and I’m left there alone wishing I could twiddle my thumbs, only that would make me look like a loon.

Then I see the buffalo herd running from the house. I hear a voice from inside say don’t run or you’ll trip. And to reiterate another malfunction in my universe one of them trips. I break his fall and a plate full of cake lands on me. Red, white and blue frosting splotches are all over my pristine black ensemble.

L must have heard the commotion and comes out armed with paper towels and begins to wipe away the frosting, which now evolved into a swirly haze all over me. Comb over guy came out with his sis color girl. I looked at them and said no need for the analysis as I’d already been colorized by one of the kids, now someone get me a damn mojito.

Happy 4th, stay safe and avoid running kids,


Join theΒ Crazy Chicks Club.

Visit my page onΒ Facebook.

Β© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

31 Responses to Red, White and Blue All Over Me

  1. Annie says:

    This had me roaring. But WITH you, not AT you. πŸ˜‰

    I have always loved to wear black, and no I’m not goth. I like that it looks simple and adult. (I have four kids so I try not to dress like a clown, popsicle, or a gumdrop). I think black is my rebellion against all the mini-flower prints and ruffles my mom put me in growing up.

    I will have the buffalo herd at my house tomorrow. Sigh. I’m anticipating a need for professional rug cleaning afterwards.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yes with black you don’t have to think of matching–it always matches πŸ™‚ You are super mom, because anyone with 4 kids has to be super. I’d be interested in reading about your own buffalo herd.experience πŸ™‚

  2. Aurora says:

    Had me laughing all the way through, LFR! Were we sisters in a past life or something…LMAO

  3. Catherine says:

    I was either laughing or cringing as I read this as I’ve been there. Too many sly friends trying to hook me up w/ men that left me wondering ‘are you really my friend?’.

    Black vs. polyester? No contest. I’d wear a blac cotton burka before I wore a poly blouse.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  4. At least the tripping kid/cake fiasco saved you from “color analyzation”…and really. What does that even MEAN? I am a firm lover of color…but after working at Victoria’s Secret, nothing makes me feel more put together/professional than a striking, monochromatic black combo. It’s flattering and is so versatile!

    Also, black is actually preferred for being out in the sun–something about it absorbs the rays instead of letting you get sunburnt. Double win!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh really? I thought it was the opposite, but now that you’ve given me the true info just think of me as a CCB–.crazy chick in black. Thanks!!!!!!!

  5. hawleywood40 says:

    Funniest thing I’ve read all weekend! And in my world, there’s never anything wrong with an all-black ensemble. That’s always my safety net, especially on mornings when I’m tired enough that I’d miss-match and end up looking like a dysfunctional rainbow otherwise.

  6. sayali611 says:

    My mother keeps nagging about all the black clothes that I have in my wardrobe. But they aren’t going anywhere. I’m only going to get them more siblings the next time I shop. I feel sorry for your dress. I wish the herd keeper would pay for the dry cleaning.
    And ‘colour analyzer’? Seriously? Someone needs to get a real job!

  7. Patti Kuche says:

    Black is a fantastic summer colour, with or without a tan, and on the streets of NYC it is always going to be out there and proud. I fantasize about getting married again just so I can wear a black dress, which I wish I had done in the first pace . . .

  8. madtante says:

    Dog, how I hope you’re joking about the offer of a color-analysis. I mean, hey. I say inappropriate shite all the time (well-meaning) but Christ I hope I know not to make offers on how to fix peoples’ looks upon first meeting. I *do* make comments when people lie to me. If you tell me 2 things that contradict, I’ll say something like, “Didn’t you just say ___? Which is the truth?” But … like … lying to me begs for a counter. Offering advice on looks (even if one is a super-model) is uncalled for unless you’ve said something insulting first, ya know? Jesus.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The color analysis was to determined my seasons (spring, summer, autumn, universal). After having it done, I’d know what colors look good on me. The dude was a dork who thought he was funny and charming is all I can think.

  9. alanschuyler says:

    Great post. I’ve been to those parties but I was the dumpy guy. Hilarious!

  10. renxkyoko says:

    Not bragging but my family love paella and mom makes it as often as we wish. And again, hilarious!

  11. hollyjb says:

    I have a lot more colour in my wardrobe than I used to, mostly for summer. Black bottoms are pretty much a staple. And black shoes…I have a pair of tan heels (because they didn’t have any black in my size) and I try to mix things up with browns (I look good in Autumn colours too), but then I realize that very few of my clothing items go with them! And then I’m stuck with a pair of shoes I can’t wear very often. Bah. I try and mix it up, but black is safe. Black with a nice top preferably one colour. ^_^

  12. Thanks for the laugh! My closet is full of black. Definitely my go-to colour. Wouldn’t be caught in a colourful clown outfit. Black…..wear it proud, stand out from the crowd!!!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh I love your line “wear it proud, stand out from the crowd!!!!!” True black is my go to color. Thanks for stopping by and hope to see you again πŸ™‚

  13. hahahaha, your writings are so humorous!

  14. Jason says:

    I think Norm was my dad.

  15. DewNestry says:

    I guess being a guy I don’t count much, but I wear black a lot, even when it’s hot.
    Black ❀

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Being a guy counts big time in my blog because I’m not one πŸ™‚ I need the thoughts and perspectives of men … I’m an equal opportunity criticizer and blogger πŸ™‚

      • DewNestry says:

        That’s nice to hear. But male perspective you will not recieve from me, I’m afraid.
        I’m not manly, and I don’t think I have ever had a manly friend.

Talk to me :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: