The Horny Pooch and My Wardrobe Malfunction

The hot weather prompted me to digress from wearing pants to wearing a skirt and a blouse. Since I’m rather “full” on top I used a safety pin to close the peek-a-boo see my bra gap. I was all intact and ready to take on the day as the up tight Dr. Laura would say. So, there I was looking cute and comfy and feeling all summery in my get up as I went about town doing my errands. Thoughts about the benefits of wearing a skirt flitted about my noodle.

Just lift and pee.

Just lift for nookie (if I were getting it).

Feeling a stray breeze between my girly parts felt good.

and

I have nice ankles and I really did look good in a skirt.

Anyway after going to the cleaners, the post office, Target, detouring  to DSW for some flippy floppies on sale and not finding any, I go to Trader Joe’s. Just when I was about to step out of my car I see a small dog on the parking lot. The pooch ran up to me and immediately started humping my left leg. I freaked, lost my balance and fell back into the front seat. I had one leg out the car while the rest of me struggled to get back up. My skirt hiked up in the front and I quickly brought it down fearing of giving some poor stranger a beaver shot. This wouldn’t have happened had I been wearing pants. To top it off the pin popped from my blouse–at least I didn’t pop a button or I’d be taken in by the cleavage police.

Have you ever been humped by a dog? Let me just say that my leg felt a yucky moist warmth.  In between the woof woofs, the panting and the grinding, I manage to get out of the car. I shook my leg to release his grip, but the beast hung on. I shook my leg harder, but it just kept on humping and I wanted it off me before it reached a happy ending.

The more I shook the more it woofed. I shook my leg again, but instead of releasing the dog, my sandals flew. So there I was at the parking lot with a dog on my leg as I skipped to where my  sandal had landed. Face it the only thing worse than a dog “f*ck&ng” your leg is going barefoot on a parking lot (ah the horror of the bacteria). I slip the sandal back on as the horny pooch continued to rape my leg.

Thank god I was a W.E.L.P. that day. So I whack the beast with my purse. The pooch fell back, but it quickly got on its feet and tried to beeline it back to my poor leg so I swing my purse to scare it away. It growled and showed some really creepy humanlike teeth. It  must have have been upset that I interrupted its joy session. So I run inside the store because I wasn’t going to stick around to have those choppers bite me. I need rabbis rabies like I need another 10 pounds. I did feel a nice cool breeze during my sprint though.

Once inside I reminded myself that I was a crazy chick who laughed at the malfunction of the universe and this was pretty funny. So I went about my shopping undeterred by the previous event.  I went to the freezer section to pick up a pint of chocolate gelato to make me feel better, then I saw my reflection on the glass door.

This is when things got really bad. I did not only look wrinkled and messy from my altercation with the pooch, but the back of my skirt was caught in my underwear. How long had I been walking around with my bum exposed for the whole world to see? And what made matters worse is that I was wearing a thong. No wonder I felt such a cool breeze from behind.

And how was your weekend?

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

44 Responses to The Horny Pooch and My Wardrobe Malfunction

  1. Wow. Glad you fought him off before he reached the finish line.

    What a great story.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ah thank you. But I won’t be going back to that Trader Joe’s for a while. I think I’ll give them a chance to forget my “mooniebeams.”

  2. Annie says:

    I think you meant “rabies”…not rabbis. The idea of adding rabbis into this whole riot of a mess is hilarious! LOL

    Glad you are okay, though. Having a dog jump me in the parking lot would have caused me to wet my pants in fear.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol, thanks … now I’m off to edit.

  3. Have not been humped by a dog, but have seen them humping teddy bears and such….SOOOO freaking gross. Yukkkkky..

    You are too much 🙂 xxx

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh sometimes I think life is too much.

  4. Aurora says:

    I don’t know that I can top that but I shall try LOL Sometimes I think life is too much too but then… the options are bleaker still… so on we press, you crazy chick 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh, for your sake, I’m glad you can’t top it 🙂

  5. jsh0608 says:

    OMFG. I couldn’t help but laugh. I giggled a little when you mentioned ‘Feeling a stray breeze between my girly parts felt good.’ Then when the dog came into the picture I couldn’t stop LOLing and had to take a break to clear the eyes from my tears and continue reading. Then when you mentioned that your skirt was tucked in and then you had a thong. OMG. Sorry I’m getting a laugh from your misery, but if you didn’t want at least one of your CCC to laugh, then you wouldn’t have posted this…hehe :0)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I share my misery to give you chuckles 🙂 No worries. Glad that I made you laugh.

  6. Brittany says:

    Hahahaha..WHY did no one tell you that your skirt was in your under-roos!? RUDE! TJ’s people are supposed to be a different breed than your basic grocery shoppers. This dog sounds like it came straight from a Steven King novel, perhaps his next book should be about a rabid, raping, man eating dog.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      My only hope is that no one saw “it” and that’s why no one said anything. I hope that is the case.

      • jsh0608 says:

        Maybe they just wanted to see your ass…hehe :0)

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I’d sooner show a boob than my ass! lol

  7. This was a riot to read, but damn . . . I’m glad I was just reading it!

    My weekend was different and far more exhausting than expected, but it’s ending on a positive note. All’s well, then.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad to hear your weekend was pleasant. Mine was okay too as the gelato and a few glasses of wine erased the memory … temporarily and now I’m able to laugh about it. 🙂

  8. hahahahaha, THAT is why I don’t wear a skirt :)…

  9. hollyjb says:

    I would like to wear skirts more. I like breezes, heck, I like strong gusts of wind, but combine any wind with a skirt and it makes me nervous. I spend the entire time walking trying to make sure my skirt stays down and therefore can’t walk properly. I’ve never been humped by a dog. My weekend was super tame compared to yours! Some of the things that happen to you! Crazy. For your sake I hope you get a break from running children, flying cakes, and humping dogs. You’re blog would still be funny with out all that stuff!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you for thinking my blog is funny. I’m glad to give you and my readers a chuckle. And when I write about my malfunctions I’m able to laugh about them too 🙂

  10. theladyinredink says:

    This was good for a laugh on Monday morning. My thighs (and shoulders/arms) are crazy sunburnt, so I’m wearing a skirt instead of shorts/pants so my bottoms don’t rub. I hope the dogs stay away! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Friendly reminder: When getting up make sure front and back aren’t tucked into undies 🙂 Have a great Monday 🙂

  11. The Incog-Negro says:

    “Just lift for nookie (if I were getting it)…” & “I have nice ankles and I really did look good in a skirt.”

    My kind of woman…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m practical 🙂

  12. The T says:

    sweet….I love a girl who doesn’t have cankles…(calves and ankles combined…)

    T.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol, I haven’t heard that term in a while 🙂 Thanks for stopping by I miss my Morning Wood.

  13. Hahaha! I own 2 dogs, have grown up with a dog my entire life, and have never been humped by one. You poor soul. I hope you got the owner’s number. If he’s anything like his dog, you might have a reason to hike up that flowing skirt 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The owner is a mystery. It’s not the first time I’ve been humped and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Too bad I’m not talking about the two-legged creatures. What kind of dogs did you have? They sound pretty tame.

  14. Your blog is just so funny. So pleased I subscribed! I have had my skirt tucked into my underwear on more than one occasion, so I can relate 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      In my twenties it would have depressed me for days. In my 40s a nice heaping serving of chocolate gelato made me feel better. 🙂 Thank you for subscribing. I’ll do my best to give you a chuckle every time you visit

  15. frigginloon says:

    I hate to laugh but BLAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHA! That was an awesome outing 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The outing of my tush …

  16. Patti Kuche says:

    I would check out you tube, just to be sure you haven’t become more of a sensation than you already are!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Gasp! I never thought about that. OMG, I hope not. I just wish I were wearing granny panties than a thong. Omg the horror … the horror.

  17. Pingback: My Funny Insanity « Lafemmeroar

  18. Zoe @ Pantry and Fridge says:

    Too funny. I thought this stuff only happened to me! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I know yours is a food blog, but you can post about your life’s malfunctions in the CCC chat page 🙂 I think CCs would get a kick out of it. But I’m glad I’m not alone in this …

  19. Bodhirose says:

    Woo! That was hilarious–I actually giggled out loud at this one. That was one horny pooch alright–super duper–geez! And then finding your skirt caught in your panties–that would be hard for me to find the humor in that–I would be mortified. But since it was you and not me–hahaha! But truly, if I had seen a woman out and about with her skirt in her panties, I would have told her for goodness sakes!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      So, since no one mentioned anything I can hope that no one saw right? As for the dog …there are many pooches looking for a hump buddy only I wasn’t in buddy mode …

  20. How can you not laugh at something that outrageous? Too freaking funny! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Lorna I can hahahahaha about it now, but it totally ruined my day at the time.

  21. OMG! How horrid! But since you can now laugh about it, I don’t feel so bad that I am laughing now…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Now you are laughing with me 🙂

  22. jintaget says:

    Funny story. This area you describe this happening in sounds eerily familiar. Dare I say you may be near me.

    (Also, thanks for your comment)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks for visiting. Well if you have stray little pooches running around where you shop, then I’d say we’re neighbors 🙂

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