The Horny Pooch and My Wardrobe Malfunction

The hot weather prompted me to digress from wearing pants to wearing a skirt and a blouse. Since I’m rather “full” on top I used a safety pin to close the peek-a-boo see my bra gap. I was all intact and ready to take on the day as the up tight Dr. Laura would say. So, there I was looking cute and comfy and feeling all summery in my get up as I went about town doing my errands. Thoughts about the benefits of wearing a skirt flitted about my noodle.

Just lift and pee.

Just lift for nookie (if I were getting it).

Feeling a stray breeze between my girly parts felt good.

and

I have nice ankles and I really did look good in a skirt.

Anyway after going to the cleaners, the post office, Target, detouring  to DSW for some flippy floppies on sale and not finding any, I go to Trader Joe’s. Just when I was about to step out of my car I see a small dog on the parking lot. The pooch ran up to me and immediately started humping my left leg. I freaked, lost my balance and fell back into the front seat. I had one leg out the car while the rest of me struggled to get back up. My skirt hiked up in the front and I quickly brought it down fearing of giving some poor stranger a beaver shot. This wouldn’t have happened had I been wearing pants. To top it off the pin popped from my blouse–at least I didn’t pop a button or I’d be taken in by the cleavage police.

Have you ever been humped by a dog? Let me just say that my leg felt a yucky moist warmth.  In between the woof woofs, the panting and the grinding, I manage to get out of the car. I shook my leg to release his grip, but the beast hung on. I shook my leg harder, but it just kept on humping and I wanted it off me before it reached a happy ending.

The more I shook the more it woofed. I shook my leg again, but instead of releasing the dog, my sandals flew. So there I was at the parking lot with a dog on my leg as I skipped to where my  sandal had landed. Face it the only thing worse than a dog “f*ck&ng” your leg is going barefoot on a parking lot (ah the horror of the bacteria). I slip the sandal back on as the horny pooch continued to rape my leg.

Thank god I was a W.E.L.P. that day. So I whack the beast with my purse. The pooch fell back, but it quickly got on its feet and tried to beeline it back to my poor leg so I swing my purse to scare it away. It growled and showed some really creepy humanlike teeth. It  must have have been upset that I interrupted its joy session. So I run inside the store because I wasn’t going to stick around to have those choppers bite me. I need rabbis rabies like I need another 10 pounds. I did feel a nice cool breeze during my sprint though.

Once inside I reminded myself that I was a crazy chick who laughed at the malfunction of the universe and this was pretty funny. So I went about my shopping undeterred by the previous event.  I went to the freezer section to pick up a pint of chocolate gelato to make me feel better, then I saw my reflection on the glass door.

This is when things got really bad. I did not only look wrinkled and messy from my altercation with the pooch, but the back of my skirt was caught in my underwear. How long had I been walking around with my bum exposed for the whole world to see? And what made matters worse is that I was wearing a thong. No wonder I felt such a cool breeze from behind.

And how was your weekend?

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar