Ready to Rumble at the Airport

Yesterday, I picked up a friend at the airport and almost got into a fight. This is how it went down.

I arrive just in time and saw her waiting for me at the passenger pick up curb of LAX. I parked the car, popped the hood and got out to help her with her luggage. She either packed a dead body or slabs of concrete because that sucker was heavy. She grabbed one end I grabbed another but we couldn’t hoist the ton of bricks into my trunk. My friend weighs about five pounds and how she got that lug from the baggage claim to the trolley was a mystery to me. We struggled for another minute until I told her that we should take out some of the contents to lighten it up. She searched her purse for the luggage keys but she couldn’t find it.

It’s summer in Los Angeles. I’d broken a sweat and my temper’s flaring because I hate the heat and I hate crowds. I tried one more time to hoist the luggage this time by myself. I took a deep breath like an Olympian weightlifter, and lifted the beast of burden, but the damn thing was so heavy that I thought my uterus would collapse. I dropped the luggage and in my frustration gave it a swift kick, but I only managed to stub my toe thanks to my fashionable but impractical donning of open toe sandals. I screamed from the pain and from the corner of my eye I saw a burst of laughter from a fairly muscular four-eyed nerd. His jolly was obvious as I could see his great big teeth flashing as he ho ho hoed and he he heed at my pain.

Now, this damn M.I.L.K. looked strong and he could have helped us while waiting for his own pick up, but he didn’t. Now I could have just ignored him but I didn’t. Instead I took three steps toward him and said what’s so funny. The teeth disappeared and so did his chuckling. I asked him again and he said nothing. He took a step back and I took a step forward. He took another step back and I took another step forward. (We were doing the confrontation cha-cha-cha.) What you want he asked. I noticed the accent. He must have been from Assholeville. Again I asked him (no I screamed at him) what do you think is so funny.

There I was with a throbbing toe and screaming at some stranger from a strange land and I can only attribute my behavior to a temporary lapse of sanity. I know I’m crazy, but I’m crazy amiable, not crazy combative. Then he said you go away and stop terroring me. Huh? Terroring? Did he mean terrorizing? Did he just use the “T” word at the airport?

Then my friend came up to me and pinched my arm as a signal to quit it. I wasn’t going to quit it. I was ready to rumble even though the only thing I know how to do was pull hair and muscular nerd didn’t have any. She pinched me again and this time she grabbed skin and I screamed OUCH. Then the nerd got nervous (what a freakin vagina) and this time instead of teeth showing out of glee it was out of fear. My friend tried to pinch me again then I said will you cut that out it hurts. Then she said stop it; let’s just go; I brought you a gift.

The word gift tamed my temper. What kind of gift I asked. She smiled and said I got you a Prada purse. A Prada? How in the hell did you afford a Prada for me I asked. I have my ways she said now let’s go. I looked at the nerd one more time. He wasn’t laughing. Then we had the B.I.T.C.H. and nerd stare down. Guess who won that contest? The angry bitch goddess that’s who.

Anyway, I walked back to the car and this time I was going for gold. I took another deep breath, I tightened my girly parts, made a noise like a birthing mother and reminded myself of the Prada inside.

I DID IT! It’s amazing what thoughts of a designer handbag can do. Then I asked my friend for the key. What for she asked. I want to see the purse I said. Now? she said. Yes NOW I replied I didn’t do all that hoisting and sweating and almost rumbling without some kind of gratification. She found the keys and after some digging I pulled out the purse.

Oh it was pretty.

Just when we were about to get in the car, another car honked at us. We did exceed the three-minute limited in the passenger pick up. I saw the nerd walk toward the car. It was his pick up. So, I took my sweet old-time and before I got in my vehicle I gave him the birdie.

That’s not like you to get so mad my friend said. She was right and I thought about what really flared my temper. Was it the heat? Was it my toe? Was it because I didn’t like the look of the nerd? It wasn’t his fault he had bucked teeth. What made me so angry? Me, the chick who laughed at the malfunction of the universe. Why didn’t I find the humor in the situation? Then I realized that while I don’t mind people laughing WITH ME I hated it when others laughed AT ME even when the situation warranted the chuckles.

What makes you angry?

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

44 Responses to Ready to Rumble at the Airport

  1. Rose Ribbon says:

    LMFAO! That was funny! That’s LAX for you! I want to see a pic of the purse!!! 🙂

  2. hawleywood40 says:

    I loved this post! I felt like I was watching a sitcom. I know a lot of people from Assholeville, by the way : ).

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I tell you I was so irritated with his buck-tooth laugh I really couldn’t describe my anger appropriately without sounding like a psycho loon. The population of Assholeville needs to be eradicated from the universe.

  3. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    I keep forgetting that you’re also an Angeleno!

    I wonder about this anger question sometimes myself. One day, I’ll shake my head and say, “oh, you!” to the dude who almost totals my car while driving 120 on the 22. The next, I’ll use every foul word I know (several times) because someone is driving 64 in a 65 zone.

    Maybe it really is a combination of factors. No single one of them is that bad, but when you start piling ’em up? That’s where the grr comes in.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s very true. I also think it has a lot to do with the irritation factor. I was soooooo irritated that day … I do think that it was his laugh. I wish I had the presence of mind to video the incident. Oh just thinking of his teeth has already got my blood pressure up lol 🙂

  4. Sendie-Lou says:

    Oh my gosh, I can’t stop picture it in my head and laugh. Sorry.. but it’s funny!! 🙂

  5. Brittany says:

    Ohh what a fabulous story. I could feel your anger grow throughout the read. Muscle nerd sounds like a big douche bag, and should have helped. Clearly in Assholeville they do not help other people, or get braces.

    People who are rude make me angry. Loud screaming untamed children make me even more angry.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You’re a funny chick 🙂 Thanks for the support. It makes me feel better when other women understand my plight in this malfunctioning universe 🙂

  6. theladyinredink says:

    At least you ended up with something pretty from the whole experience! 🙂 I’m sure you’ll be laughing about it later, though!

  7. Patti Kuche says:

    Who in their right mind likes going to LAX unless it is in the back of a cab with an airline ticket? Those airport pick-ups / drop-offs are the pits without throwing Napoleon Dynamite into the picture. At least you made it out of there with your friend AND a Prada purse!
    As to what makes me angry? Please, don’t get me started, I won’t know where to stop.
    Hope you are feeling better but thank you for the entertainment!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I hate going to the airport. Let me tell you I was cussing to myself on the way there. Plus the carpool lane going home is a JOKE! It’s just as slow … lol on Napoleon Dynamite. I have a copy and I think I’ll watch it tonight for some chuckles. Vote for Pedro!!!!!!!!!

  8. ——Dear, L.
    I hear the people in Los Angeles are MEAN as hell.
    Is that true?
    A nice Minnesotian guy told me that while at the Los Angeles airport he said Hello to some dude and the dude said Fuck You back to him.
    It must be the heat.
    Or the girly parts must be pissed off!
    PS. I never had the opportunity to really read your work before. This was Fabulous. I loved every. single. word. You are hilareous.
    Ps. was that a REAL Prada?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I don’t know if it’s a real Prada as they are over 1k. But the purse is real leather and great quality. It came with “papers.” But even the good fakes are a couple of hundred bucks so I really appreciate the gift. And people in LA are not mean. Most are nice and friendly, then again it’s like anything else …

      Strange about your friend the the f word dude. I’ve never had anybody say the F word to me in that way, although I’ve been handed the birdie lots of times on the road.

  9. hahahahah….too funny 🙂

  10. Aurora says:

    It’s hard to think about what makes me angry when you just had me laughing so damn hard, I have to go pee, LOL If I remember what makes me angry I’ll share… hahaha… Love the way you roar!!! 🙂

  11. supernaut says:

    Well I am in an absolute foul mood right now, and although I did smile after reading your post, I am still totally and thoroughly p****d off. That’s how my anger is like. Usually I just need to throw some Black Sabbath at it and it goes away, but on days like today…

    Time is what I need.

    Time, solitude and a good cup of coffee.

  12. LAX sux, first off. This is the funniest blog posting I’ve read in a while. I have the same temperament – when confronted with A-holes, my first instinct is to kick them til they whine like little girls. But then I remind myself I’m a pacifist, so that’s fucked. Also a pastor’s wife, but who really cares when you want to REALLY put the hurt on. I used to work piano bars and ALL my own equipment, keybd, speakers, etc., was hauled by yours truly. Only time I ever had help (except after I married Lex)? Playing a gay bar. Those boys and girls hauled ALL the little straight girl’s gear, drove home behind me, helped me up the stairs and kissed me on the cheek goodnight. Now that, my dear, is a true-blue group of friends.

    Here is a poem I think you will dig mightily and may just NEED at the moment. Peace, Amy Barlow Liberatore

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Well I call those type of guys M.I.L.K.: Men I’d Like to Kick.

      Nice to know that there are men and women out there willing to help out–true blue is great 🙂

  13. changnaga says:

    Wow!! 🙂 You are always a good story teller.Simply love your anecdote.I too get angry,sometimes, for no reason.Want to smash their heads when they prick me for no

  14. Did he just use the “T” word at the airport?

    Hahahaha I just laughed out loud.

  15. The T says:

    Look, I know it was tramautic….but i’m just wanting to know if your uterus/vagina action is doing ok…


  16. Bodhirose says:

    Oh, my gosh–this had me laughing out loud–this is so funny! And I’m laughing WITH YOU not AT YOU! I especially enjoyed all the references to your girly parts–uterus collapsing, tightening them and oh, yeah–the nerdy ” freakin vagina”!

    Whoo! This was fun!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you … glad that I can bring a chuckle to your day. Cheers to our girly parts and jeers to “freakin vaginas” walking around with no idea about being a gentleman.

  17. What a d-bag. You did the right thing. The heat makes everything that much more intense anyways.
    I get pissed when people don’t listen to me. I don’t mean they have to agree with me. I just hate being ignored completely. And most of the time when it happens I feel like it’s because of my sex.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I always get so irritable in the heat.

      I see what you mean by being ignored because of your gender. This happens to me sometimes especially when men I know are huddled together in deep conversation and when I try to join they discount my presence as if I just intruded in their “homo-social” bonding.

  18. omawarisan says:

    Nicely done. If we all the sensible people in the world snap on just one asshole per year we could manage them so much better than we do!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      We can also have an erase the asshole day. Or the asshole of the month club where we share pics of assholes we’ve eradicated … lol … oh we can all dream 🙂

  19. hahahaha this one literally KILLED me!!!!!!! u are so gifted when it comes to humor 😀

  20. hollyjb says:

    Going to airports used to scare me. Well, I guess it still does, but at least the one in Brussels isn’t that hard to get around (so far). I’ve never been to LAX – just Brussels, Toronto, and Halifax. I did fly out to BC when I was 2.5, but that doesn’t count. If I would have been in your situation I would not have confronted him, but afterwards would have wished I had and would call him all sorts of names. I’m a little better now at being confrontation/standing up for myself, but with strangers I probably wouldn’t.

    I get mad at a LOT of stuff. Technology mostly. My 6 year old Acer (shhh, I don’t want it to get mad and quit all together *shifty eyes*) and my family. But at least I can forgive my family really quickly. Oh, and other drivers. I know I’m not the perfect driver or anything, but I think I’m fairly courteous and have decent reactions as well as most of the time the ability to look ahead in the distance.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Acer comps are pretty good considering the price. I’m a Mac girl myself.

      LAX is a jungle … I hate going there. And I hate it when all the good insulting phrases come to me after the fact. It’s one of the things that frustrate me the most. But I do have my moments of coming up with some good cutting bites at the perfect time 🙂

  21. hollyjb says:

    About the comps: I think I’m going Mac after this, someday. Didn’t we already have this conversation…..? 😀 Lol.

    I’m like that with driving. I always think of honking my horn AFTER it would be effective. Most of the time I’m just trying not to get hit. I swear, 99.9% of the time it’s not my fault! People pull out in front of me and either have no judge of distance or no idea of the concept of the gas pedal. If your car doesn’t have the guts, don’t cut it so close. Have some patience. I had to learn that the hard way with my first car, lol.

    I will probably never experience the jungle that is LAX and I can’t say that disappoints me, lol. I do have a friend moving to California, near San Francisco I think and if she’s still there by the time I can afford to take another holiday I’m going to try and visit her. Don’t know how I’ll go; train, plane, or automobile, but I’m hoping it happens. In the next couple years, lol.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yes we’ve had this conversation before from an earlier post of mine “Don’t Talk Smack About My Mac” …
      I don’t honk my horn anymore when I’m driving. I find that I’m always annoying the innocent driver instead of the one it’s intended for …

  22. hollyjb says:

    That makes sense. There’s been at least two times when I should have used it and both were the same sort of thing. Someone wanted to move into my lane (both times I was on the left) and didn’t check their blind spots and almost drove into me. The first time I was in Canada and I literally had to slam on my breaks because even when they started moving they didn’t notice me and just kept moving. I really should have used the horn then. The 2nd time was here in Belgium. I think I might have used the horn I can’t remember. I try not to drive in blind spots ’cause it’s dangerous, but someone usually wants to move as I’m passing them. Here I was following someone and had to try and keep up, lol.

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