Disadvantage of a Hybrid Cougar


Cheap booze poured from the bar like a broken fire hydrant on a summer day. Music boomed and thirsty patrons in this local watering hole laughed, drank and devoured happy hour tid bits.  So, there I was sitting at the bar enjoying a few laughs with a couple of friends when I saw a vision. I couldn’t take my eyes off the woman who came into the bar.

She looked like a cross between Angelyne (the Hollywood icon known for driving a Pink Cadillac)

Wikimedia Commons

and Betty White.

Wikimedia Commons -- Betty White David Shankbone 2010 NYC

The guys gawked, the women whispered and I was … well my mouth was open so long that a fly took up residence. The mystery lady was decked out in down to her crotch jeans, hooker shoes and a demure blouse unbuttoned to showcase her abundant boobage. She was a blonde, but I doubt that the hair on her head matched her au natural bush once the stubbles began to show. I wasn’t sure how old she was either, but my guess is that she was between 35 to 65 years old. She was a BAB (Boobs and Bones) and I surmised that she either starved herself or whatever fat she consumed went straight to her tits.

Of course I’d seen women like her before, but it was her Daffy Duckesque lips that captivated me and the uncanny way her face didn’t move. She reminded me of a walking sex doll past its prime. She looked sexy, scary and slutty. A triple “S” threat. And of all the empty bar stools in the joint she had to sit next to mine. She gave me a chick check (eye-f@ck) in a not so nice way.

I gave her a f@ck ya right back grin and she rolled her eyes. Did she think I was trying to pick her up because I couldn’t take my eyes off her face? She looked at my converse and my jeans and rolled her eyes again. Did she think I was committing a fashion faux pax for wearing comfortable clothing? She saw me eating chicken fingers and rolled her eyes again. What was she expecting caviar? Another roll of those balls and she can get a gig as a slot machine in Vegas. This was one highfalutin cougar. She smiled at every schlong in the place, but she snubbed me. Would I had been granted her friendliness if my clitoris grew about seven inches? Hmmm…

A few minutes later a rather good-looking guy (young enough to be her son or grandson) walked in and headed straight for BABs. They sort of looked lovey dovey in a polite I just met you kind of way. I guess her sitting next to me was a blessing since I can listen in on their conversation. But my annoying friends kept on talking and the music was blasting. So I told them to shush. And I asked the bartender to lower the music because I had an ear infection and the loud noise hurt my ear. This was a bold face life, but he bought it. Now I leaned in a little closer to BABs and her boy toy and this is what I found out:

They met on a dating site (big surprise … he probably has some mommy or granny fetish and I guess she was looking for a dude who didn’t have to take Viagra to get it up), she’s divorced, he’s in sales and within a few minutes their mindless banter turned to sex.

My girlfriend told me to stop snooping. I told her I wasn’t snooping I was researching (another lie). Researching for what she asked and I told her that I was writing an article about horny cougars. Her boyfriend (sitting between us) bellowed a laugh and I told him to shush too. Then he said you’re using that word a lot today. And I told him that I wouldn’t have to if he just shushed so I could continue my research. So I bought a round of drinks and asked my dear friends to give me just five minutes of snooping research.

It was frustrating trying to decipher BABs’ conversation because the two chicks standing behind me were talking to loud. So I asked them if they could tone it down and used my pseudo ear infection as an excuse. The fib didn’t work this time. These chicks were obviously smarter than the bartender as one of them laughed and the other gave me the birdie and continued yacking. Moments later the two chicks left but the damn bar noise drowned out BAB’s conversation, but cougar and prey looked pretty cozy. This “odd couple” didn’t waste anytime and they soon left. What an anti-climax I said turning my attention back to my friends.

Cougars are hot my guy friend said and she looks like she could give a real mean n good blow job. His girlfriend pinched him and after a loud ouch, he realized that he probably wouldn’t be getting a happy ending that night. Then I said I doubt if boy toy will be satisfied with BAB’s fellatio skills in her condition. My friends looked confused and I told them that BABs is what I call the hybrid cougar:

Hybrid Cougar: This cougar’s had a complete overhaul. She’s had so much cosmetic surgery that it’s difficult to ascertain the silicone to flesh and bone body ratio. She’s spent a ton of dough trying to look like a tween and she can’t wait to hit the scene to show herself off. Sure she’s still a little swollen on her face, but the plumpness just adds to that fresh as a daisy tween effect. She might look like she can suck a three-pound marble from a straw with those silicone smackers, but those lips can’t do a thing for your schlong. Chances are they’re still numb and the botox injections have her face on stasis. So any kind of tongue and lip acrobatic “down under” would leave you wondering about her fellatio skills. But with the lipo, the tummy tuck, the boob lift and the siliconed tush for that J-Lo look she’s a walking brick house. More power to her … and to all newly overhauled cougars.

Just one bit of advice, be nice to other cougars … chicks need to stick together … and if you hybrid cougars think you’ve got it going on just remember that some of us have very nimble and dexterous lips and tongues.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

42 Responses to Disadvantage of a Hybrid Cougar

  1. Rose Ribbon says:

    Love it! Missed ya! I hate that ugly bill board in Hollywood…so hideous. Hope you’re well! ~Pam

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah, I’m well in the body, but the head is still questionable. Angelyne must be 100 years old by now. She’s well preserved and that billboard is scary.

  2. Aurora says:

    LMAO So glad you are back… I see those overhauled “women” and wonder why they want to even look that way… it’s a sight, a blight and a fright… still, they rush in droves to keep cosmetic surgery in business and wind up looking freakin’ freakish … ick LOL 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m not big on pain so unless medical science invents a machine that I can just walk in and I’ll come out looking 19 again … I’ll pass on the overhauls. Being away from blogging made me realize what a great community I have with you crazy chicks and my readers. I think it’s because you and the CCs are so supportive and we’ve created a network here on WP and other blogging platforms …

  3. You are too freaking funny! Welcome back & happy 100th post love!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Funny freak did you say? Why thank you I am rather pleased with that … and yes I can’t believe it’s been 100 bits of chuckles I’ve hopefully given my readers … 🙂

  4. totsymae1011 says:

    Those two images are a very interesting mix. I wouldn’t have been able to stop staring either, that being a shortcoming I have and all,

    That title is an attention grabber, btw. I’d read a book on this chick.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Which chick Betty White or Angelyne?

  5. OO000000, Myyyy, L.
    You can write so damn well… And I love it! I absolutely loooooooove it.
    —Was this fiction? “Another roll of those balls and she can get a gig as a slot machine in Vegas.” FAB.
    “She gave me a chick check (eye-f@ck) in a not so nice way” Classic.
    Great work here, girl 🙂 xxxxxxxxxxxxx.
    PS. where the hell have you been???????

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      This isn’t fiction. Her eyes rolled so many times I was wishing it was her snobby head … the nerve …
      Ah I’ve been “in life” … working on my book … tried to take a break from blogging, but my gosh it was soooooo difficult. I felt as if a part of me had been cut off not being able to post everyday or every other day …

      And thanks for enjoying this. I’m always tickled when you like my stuff. And now you’re giving me ideas for a future post …

  6. Good to see back. Interesting and funny article love it =)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      And it’s good to be back. Thanks for being such a loyal reader 🙂 You make me want to keep blogging about insanity …

  7. Bwahaha! I wonder if/when I’ll ever have my own Hybrid Cougar sighting. (I don’t see as much of these things post-child, where my evenings out are fewer.)

    Also? I wonder if they met at Cougar Life. I suspected a joke the first time I heard the jingle on the radio. The third time I heard it, though? Holy wow.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve never heard of Cougar Life … there’s something for every proclivity isn’t there? Thanks for sharing the link 🙂

  8. frigginloon says:

    Hybrid cougar ……blahahahahahaa unleaded!!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      leaded with silicone thought ,,,, 🙂

  9. sayali611 says:

    Hahahaha! Lafemme, how can we not miss you. Amazing piece, yet again. As for the daisy duck, I doubt if you actually missed the conversation. She must have been lisping all along with those stiff lips.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol lisp …. u make me laugh …. stiff lips is right.

  10. hawleywood40 says:

    This made me literally lol – I bet we could right an awesome tag-team collection of bar stories between us! I’ve seen this woman too, I think.

    • hawleywood40 says:

      Did I really just type “right” instead of “write?” Um, yep, I sure did. My brain is toast.

      • Lafemmeroar says:

        Toasty brain to me usually means a I’ve just had a quick shot of Jack … 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol, we should do a simultaneous guest post one of these days 🙂

  11. hollyjb says:

    “Cheap booze poured from the bar like a broken fire hydrant on a summer day. Music boomed and thirsty patrons in this local watering hole laughed, drank and devoured happy hour tid bits.” I just love that part. I also couldn’t tell if it was going to be fiction or fact!

    I would love to read a book that started out this way. I’m thinking wannabe cowboys in some God-forsaken old western town. Or something. “happy hour tid bits” I don’t know why I especially liked that, but I did.

    ^_^

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      okay, now you’re making me blush … as you know I’ve been writing a book and I”m in the process of revisions (having a hard time with it). The book is a different style, but since I started the blog, I’ve toying with an idea of writing something in the first person in alignment with the kind of stuff I write about in the blog … so when you say something nice as you just did … it makes me think of seriously pursuing that idea.

  12. hollyjb says:

    Oh you should, you should! I’m getting all giddy thinking about the prospect. I wish there was a job where all you had to do was read…not edit (I’m crap at that), but just read and give an opinion. Well, at least I wish I could do that. It’s too bad nobody would pay for my opinions! Lol. I will totally order your book from Amazon or wherever, or go to the nearest book store and pre-order it when you finally get published. ^_^

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I hope someday to get published 🙂 Thanks for thinking all giddy and all … it’s infectious 🙂

  13. amor24 says:

    What a fascinating read my dear. Shush baby, I’m writing a comment here. Anyways, I loved it.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks love 🙂 You have such a tongue n cheek way with your comments.

      • amor24 says:

        OMG…really. Not my intention at all dear! Probably you would agree with my colleagues’ perception that I am too sarcastic for my own good 😦

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Sarcasm is a sign of intelligence 🙂

          • amor24 says:

            why you gotta give me red cherries at this hour 🙂

  14. amor24 says:

    ..i knew they were idiots. lol

  15. Ruth D. says:

    Oh my goooooooooosh!!!!! That billboard is the ugliest thing I’ve seen in my life!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Sort of freaky in a sick barbieish way isn’t it?

  16. jintaget says:

    Betty White is the shiz. Mix any woman with Betty White and you’ve got a cocktail for success. 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you for reading this post … and I’m glad you found it. It was written almost two months ago.

      • jintaget says:

        I just randomly click on tabs on the top of your page and just read whatever I see first. 🙂

        I just happen to be a Golden Girls fan, so… this touched my heart. I wish I could find a Betty White-esque woman. 😀

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          @jintaget

          I bet there are a lot of Betty White fans out there. I remember her as Sue Ann Nivens in “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.”

  17. kdaddy23 says:

    OMG, I do so get a kick out of women talking about other women! Now, as a guy, I would have seen her and asked, “WTF? Does anyone responsible for her know she’s out of the house – and looking like that?” Brings to mind something I’m going to go back to my Dashboard and blog about, too!

    God, you are hilarious!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks kdaddy23

      The hilarity of reality … what would I do without the malfunctions?

  18. Pingback: A Cougar Encounter « Kdaddy23's Blog

  19. Pingback: And the Award Goes To… « Sips of Jen and Tonic

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