The Shame and the Pleasure

Self-expression is the choice between satisfying the stirrings of my emotional conscience and burning bridges. Good behavior makes me feel like a soloist of a symphony with an indifferent, but hostile audience. Play flawlessly and the audience is silent, but hit a wrong note and receive hisses and jeers.

I don’t want to be difficult, disagreeable or MEAN, but I can be. I don’t want to be different for the sake of being unique, such contrivances are pedestrian antics of a lost soul. I’m no longer lost, but I haven’t reached my destination either. But I am/can be different because we cannot ALL BE THE SAME. In my circle of reality, I am the lone femme–single, never married and childless. 

I am an oxymoron moving within the flow of life. I go unnoticed and then a malfunction of that flow showcases my existence. I’m like the little red dot on the bull’s-eye, the prized goal of social hunters looking to practice their marksmanship. 

That day at another bar-be-cue at a married with kids friend’s house where the other guests were also married with kids I turned into that red target when a long-lost (too bad she didn’t stay lost) Frenemy spotted me chomping on fried cheese. In the past, the polite hostility Frenemy and I regarded each other for the sake of civility among the throng displayed a “certain” social grace. It was during these moments that I truly felt mature and evolved in curbing my utmost desire to sock her right in her pie hole.

Wikimedia Commons

I hoped we’d acknowledge each other with a friendly and fake nod and be on with it, but Frenemy sat down beside me for a chat disturbing me and my cheese as she asked the usual questions: married? No. kids? No. boyfriend? No. She proceeded in the fashion of the benevolent advisor to criticize me. She adjusted her skinny ass on the couch and delivered another round of assaulting remarks that went something like this:

Frenemy: I don’t know anybody in your situation.

Me: Situation?

Frenemy: You know being a spinster and childless.

**I didn’t know people still used the word spinster, but this piece of cervix before me did.  

Frenemy: Why do you think your relationships never worked out? 

Me: I don’t know.

Frenemy:  You’re in denial. Have you thought of therapy?

Me: I’d rather spend my money on shoes and handbags, but I guess mental health is also important.

**Frenemy didn’t laugh at the joke and instead “chick checked” me with condescending eyeballs that I wanted to gauge out with my thumbs. 

Frenemy: Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart or for the giveruppers.

Me: I haven’t given up.

Frenemy The older you get the slimmer the chances. Are you okay with being alone?

Me: Sure.

Frenemy: I know this guy that I could set you up with. He’s divorced; not the greatest catch, but I think you guys would make a good couple.

Me: Oh?

BMW: He’s not a loser. Just not successful like my H (her poor husband), but he has a good heart. And he’s not picky.

**Now she was giving me a pity date with a “loser” who wasn’t picky? 

Was I for real in my responses? I haven’t given up? Sure? Oh?  Obviously not. Frenemy was getting her hits and she kept on going. She went on to boast about her happily married life (I wonder if her hubby knows about this) and three wonderful kids and her high power dream job.

Frenemy: I know women can have it all. I’ve got a great career and a family. If you can’t afford therapy you should really think about self-improvement.

*Who said I couldn’t afford therapy? Shoes and purses are my therapy. And can you believe Frenemy got the gall to sneak a self-help insult on me? By this time my temper percolated to the anxious simmer of a crock pot.

Me: I’m not really into that self-help stuff.

BMW: You should be. I’m all about self-improvement How do you think I plan to move up in my job?

Me: By sniffing the stink of your boss’ ass without having to earn it while you’re being poked and prodded on all fours?

** I said with a big smile.

Frenemy gasped and turned white; her lips tightened into the sneer of a Cruella de Vil, but all she could come up with was:

Frenemy: I’m not going to dignify that statement with a response.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. You probably don’t like being on all fours with those knobby knees and all.

Frenemy stood up and left. Then I realized we had an audience (thankfully all the kids were outside–the last thing I needed was a kid asking their mommy about what being poked and prodded meant). Some were astonished and some looked like they enjoyed the show. But moments later the guilt and the shame crept in. I could have taken the high road and ignored her insults; yet, I went low with my big mouth.

To top it off, I wasn’t even sure on the accuracy of my remarks. I mean … she looked like a brown-noser, but I couldn’t really be certain if she’d truly sniffed ass at work. And maybe she didn’t like getting reamed from the back and preferred the missionary position although there’s nothing “Mother Theresaish” about Frenemy’s disposition. I wanted to apologize and tell her that she probably did earn her way to the top through her sheet merit as an expert back stabber (which I know from experience). But by the time I mustered the courage to apologize she had left the party.

I had to admit that telling her what I thought felt orgasmic. I”m sure she went home to her great big house and the next morning, she’ll go to her great big job with knee pads on. I truly hope she gets what she deserves in life.

Do you have a frenemy? 

Join the Crazy Chicks Club.

Click here if you’re a Crazy Freak.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

56 Responses to The Shame and the Pleasure

  1. Woman says:

    LOL!!!!! Love the conversation!!!! My aunts and sisters are all the same way.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Are you serious? lol! But I’m sure they do it with love 🙂

    • Tori Nelson says:

      Um. Exactly what I was thinking!

  2. Zoe says:

    I love a girl with a big (but smooth) set of balls.
    🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol … and my metaphorical cojones can grow real big when it needs to …

  3. Brilliant!!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you and glad you liked it 🙂

  4. Ugh, I hate people like that. I think you did alright. You can always take the moral high road the next time some bizatch starts talking smack!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I should have taken the moral high ground, but it’s certainly won’t be as satisfying 🙂

  5. imakeeper says:

    SPINSTER! Omgee, all of my single librarian girls joke that they are spinster librarians and will end up being crazy cat ladies.

    Loooooooove this post lol made me laugh !

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Crazy cat ladies are cool so long as they don’t go over five cats. I think over five is considered some kind of zoning violation in some cities … you need a zoo permit.

  6. totsymae1011 says:

    She deserved what you gave her. I was wondering when you were gonna slap her with some cool words and get her outta that seat. And do you think she felt bad for being mean to you? She sat next to you specifically to verbally attack you. A person can only take so much.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      She thought she was being slick … but she can dish it out but couldn’t take it …

  7. veehcirra says:

    all I can say…women we are our own worst enemies 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      We sure are. Women have cat claws …

      • totsymae1011 says:

        I agree. I’ve come across so few women who were genuine
        in their friendships and I’d always been pretty naive to that
        and been easy going until three years ago. Definitely a topic
        worth expanding on.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          This one knew I didn’t like her, but we remained polite to each other … if you can call it that. OH I have other incidents like this believe me …

  8. Xehra says:

    You’re A.W.E.S.O.M.E with words 😀

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks for your kind words 🙂

  9. I have learnt some new words and syntax yet again from a Lafem

    where I come from, we face such aunts/frenemies and other vicariously concerned creatures from the time we are half you age!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I guess they just want us to be happy right?

  10. madtante says:

    I’ll say, if she said all those things TO you, then she deserved whatever she got.

    Somebody said something that pissed me off on the blog (which rarely happens–really! I get caught up in “wanting to be understood” but not blue-red/ black-white) and my response was “Fuck off.” I find that works. The person came back with something passive-aggressive about I can have my own opinion but nobody can have theirs (or laughs or whatever–cos I don’t remember but the point is:) to which I replied. “Fuck off.”

    It works for me. Burning bridges? Would you rather be happy or be right?

    I’d rather be happy. That twat can fuck off and I hope she stays fucked off. In your case, that’s my opinion, too. Life’s too short to allow people to tear you down and verbally or literally bash your head in (I know) — especially with an audience. You deserve better. I put up with too much still but if it become clear? That calls for a “fuck off” response. 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @madtante … girrrrlllll I wouldn’t want to cross you … 🙂

  11. I can’t believe anyone would have the audacity to “coach” you on your personal life, as if she were a trained professional and you went to her for relationship advice. She has an ego the size of Texas before the Mexican border line was drawn!

    I took great pleasure in your sassy comebacks and in the fact that you really told her off. I could never do anything like that. I’ve been in positions before where people have insulted me and I just kept my mouth shut–always the peace-keeper, that’s me. But when I hear someone stand up for their rights/dignity, I say HURRAY!! She insulted you many times over before you gave her one major insult. SCORE!

    Had I been there, I would have started a standing ovation for you. 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I really do think some of the people who heard enjoyed it. But my style is that I insult with a smile. And I sort of have one of those harmless sounding voices (not really commanding) so I deliver the venom with a soft touch.

  12. frigginloon says:

    She started it.What a bitch!
    I had a frenemy ask me if I had kids.
    I told her “not that I know of” .
    Which then followed with ….Do you have a husband or boyfriend.
    I told her “Umm, that depends, does your husband count?”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @frigginloon

      lmao … I too have used the “not that I know of” response, but never “does your husband count.” You’ve got bigger balls … you go girl …

  13. Me: I’d rather spend my money on shoes and handbags, but I guess mental health is also important.

    Bwahaha! I love this. The conversation was great, including the part that you felt a small bit of shame for. After I responded in kind to some bulliers in an encounter I described a few weeks back, I wondered if I hadn’t handled it wrong. Ultimately, I think there are occasions where giving back a little of what you’re getting may be the best way to get someone to STFU. Here’s hoping this was what it took here!

    I don’t have a frenemy. I used to have a few, but I ceased conversation with them after short, no-nonsense “notice.” (Like you, I prefer to be kindly but will respond in other ways as the context warrants.) My mom wasted so much time to frenemies she confused as friends (they were spending time with her, after all!) that I wanted to steer as far clear of those particular footsteps as possible.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I hope I don’t see her again, then again I kinda hope I do … know what I mean? I realize that she’s good bait. I just think she takes herself too seriously whereas I definitely DO NOT. https://lafemmeroar.wordpress.com/wp-admin/edit-comments.php#comments-form

  14. Alfonso L says:

    Incredible how some people are committed to being douchebags regularly… You gave her what she deserved! I love the way you did so had I been there I would have congratulated right there and then! Good work standing up to her 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I like to insult with a smile … in that sense she and I have similar styles …

  15. Spinster, that’s hilarious. You should feel no shame, nor should you apologize.
    She came over and sat down beside you and proceeded to ask you personal questions which were none of her concern. I would have told her to take a flying leap from the get go so you’re way ahead of me in the manners game. My friends make fun of me because if I don’t like someone (which is rare), I just tell them so and tell them to go away. It saves a lot of trouble. 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You lessen my shame 🙂 Thanks you.

  16. —–spinster? are you serious?
    that would have set the tone immediately for a ass-kickin situation.
    She is rude & judgemental & ignorant.
    I’d take the “Fren” out of frenemy. Seriously.
    xx

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yup I’m serious! I’d like to see her again so I can do a part two. Aside from the guilt of what I said, I did enjoy saying it and I’d like to do it again. 🙂 Crossing my fingers that I see her at another bar-be-cue 🙂

  17. Cinnamon says:

    It just goes to show that you’re a “REsponsible Adult” Glad to see you give really good responses. I think I even blew some soda out of my nose on a couple of them. (I’ll never read you while drinking again)

    Good work !!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh sorry to hear about your soda through the nose experience … that’s happened to me before and it felt like sniffing Clorox through a straw–ouch. But I’m glad I amused you 🙂

  18. Rose Ribbon says:

    Wow. Spinster, really? Who does she think she is? Putting you down like that…karma. She will get hers. Honestly though, I think you showed great restraint. I might have Physically Harmed her…. what a total snob.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I can only fantasize about physical violence … I’m too wary of the repercussions … but a crazy chick can dream 🙂

  19. taradancer says:

    Lol, still cacking myself laughing over your story! Good on you for saying what you think – if you hadn’t you’d be feeling a lot more furious right now. Don’t ever apologise for being true to who you are and standing up for yourself – especially when someone is trying to undermine you like that. You go girl!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @taradancer

      You’re right I would be feeling worse had I not said it to her! I just felt bad because people heard me, but then again it’s always good to insult with an audience …

  20. The T says:

    Woman…if you want to go have a bay, well jump on a plane and let’s get it on…. This twisted girl who is your frenemy is not necessarily against your life as much as maybe she has nothing in her life that she is able to relate to give herself some happiness….

    I’m a father, yet having them in my life doesn’t make me happy…they are a reason for me being stressed, i want the best for them and if they weren’t around would it be easier? YEAH….but they are here, so i gotta love them and all of that “dad” stuff that comes with it….

    Yes…it’s true the pirate king has kids… I wouldn’t have the same life if they lived in my house…so i don’t regret them not living with me while if i do something shameful, i do have a bit of shame, but luckily…i am a man…i can let certain things slide…

    So um… if you want me to help you form voodoo dolls and help you with how to get some revenge on this little bitch, then I’m down….but if you want to go share some rum and wine, I think I could be talked into it…

    T.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @T
      We can share rum and wine while we’re forming voodoo dolls:) I just love your honesty you adorable pirate!

  21. hollyjb says:

    I used to have a couple of frenenmies when I was 11, lol. I have a few friends who I was never super close to and they have drifted off into more acquaintances, but not actual frenemies. I’m not witty enough to come up with responses like that. I don’t like people to be angry with me so I don’t think I’d ever be able to stand up for myself. Although, if my uncle asks me (at the next family gathering I attend) if I have a boyfriend I might just get up, yell something like ‘if I did he’d be here, and thanks for letting me know I’m not enough by myself’, and leave. Walking home would take an awful long time, but I’ve had a lot of build up here, lol. I often want to lash out at these people but can’t. Although, I guess there have been a couple of guys I’ve done that too. I had crushes on them. I think it was my way of awkwardly flirting….the ‘witty’, stinging comebacks of a 15 year old girl, lol.

    Good for you for giving her what you did. I bet you all the money I don’t have that she’s hardly happy (if she feels the need to brag about her life). I would have wanted to punch her. But like you I never would. I have a friend who’s sister-in-law is always on her about being in her 30s, single, childless, etc. She wonders how my friend can be happy. My friend just wants her family to understand that while having someone would be nice, it’s not necessary. She can be happy on her own. I feel for her because that’s going to be me soon and I don’t know if I have the strength to not break down and cry in front of everyone even though I know there’s really nothing at all shameful about being single.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @holly

      Your comment is totally wonderful and is post worthy! I can’t do any physical damage to anybody because I’d be too afraid of getting sued. Besides I’m not physical in that way unless it comes to punching (just for fun ex bfs). I suspect that when pushed you’d put me to shame in your sauciness 🙂

      • hollyjb says:

        Ha! I’m really not that saucy, lol. If anything, I come up with things after the fact. I don’t even remember what I used to say to these guys except that I might have been a little harsh, but the one for sure (he may have actually been the only one) was one of those ‘he can dish it out, but can’t take it’ types. He broke my heart *sigh*. Haha, actually, I was never in love with him (bah 13-15, not in love), but he did use me shamelessly and I let him. He probably had no idea what he was doing to my fragile self ego, nor would he have cared. I’m just so relieved that I feel absolutely NO attraction to him at all whatsoever anymore, and therefore I’m sure would not be able to throw any more cutting remarks at him. Plus, his wife is one of the nicest, quietest people I know (who gives good pedicures, lol) and I wouldn’t want to sauce him in front of her.

        I really should post about this stuff. I’m sure it would be just as good (and definitely cheaper!) than therapy. When this year is up I’ll start blogging about other stuff and maybe find some soul soothing in the process.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          @Holly

          I WOULD DEFINITELY want to know about that guy and his nice wife! You definitely should blog about this stuff!!!!!!!! I think it would be entertaining and hilarious … oooh talk about therapy I’ve started a new blog called Dimestore Psychology. Readers can ask me questions/advice/whatever and I post my crazy answers to them. Aurora sort of gave me the idea 🙂 So stay tuned for that. Of course I’ll have to have a disclaimer on the site saying that I’m not help responsible or liable for anything that I say/comment/advice … and all that jazz

          • hollyjb says:

            Thankfully neither of them (nor anyone who knows about the situation – that I know of) actually read my blog, or any other for that matter. I might be able to get away with it. Of course I won’t be giving intimate details :P, but those involved would be able to figure it out I think if I ever wrote about it and they read it. I think I’m going to have to start writing drafts and saving them before I forget all the things people say I should write about!

            I think Dimestore Psychology sounds awesome! That will be amazingly entertaining, just like this blog! I’m so, so, so, so, so, (etc.) glad I found you! I can’t even remember how I stumbled across your blog…..did you respond to the ‘Just Write’ post from wordpress where you could enter your ‘just write’ tagged post for a chance to be Freshly Pressed? Because I checked out quite a few blogs by reading the comments and clicking on titles I thought sounded interesting. Most of the blogs I look at (used to) come from the Freshly Pressed page, but now come from your CCs ^_^.

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              Is that how one can have a chance at being Freshly Pressed? Just tagging “just write”? Well … I’m SOOOOO HAPPY that fellow CCs have connected. It really does give me a very good warm and cozy feeling 🙂

              • hollyjb says:

                Haha, no, it was just that one time. The women who wrote the blog post said she would read every post that was tagged ‘just write’ and with the link in the comment section of that post. How she did it I’ll never know. I think it was just over one weekend, but still! Then the winners were FP’d and given free stuff I think, lol. They have a post or something somewhere on ’10 things to do to better your chances at being Freshly Pressed’ or some such thing. The actual title is shorter than that, lol, I just can’t remember. I still have yet to check it out.

  22. Patti Kuche says:

    I get my “projection” and “transference” of issues mixed up all the time but she sure zoned in on you with hers. She wants your life, not to mention your wit!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Patti

      Wow … I never saw that coming … Ah, my wit keeps me good n crazy and that’s a good thing to keep from going “insane.”

  23. Aurora says:

    I had one. Just wish she’d been as obvious as your a**hole of a friend. Instead, the skanky mole stuck her butt in my world and my ex’s, gaining information about him from me (of course, unbeknownst to me), while criticizing me and my failure to fulfill my duty as a good wife. (Such BS but I’ll save that for another blog, hahaha) Blindsided is about the most polite term I can come up with right now as it my “frenemyship” spanned two decades. I didn’t have kids either and I’m good with that. You can get bitter or get better. I chose better but I can guarantee you one thing, if I had kids, they would never have grown up to be behave in such socially inappropriate ways as your frenemy or mine. That is, my former frenemy. F’em all. What do we need with space occupying tools posing as human beings. Nothing. Besides you have the Crazy Chicks Club and so do I. Ah, see there is a God. That’s why we can blog our asses off about them without any concern whatsoever. If they want to whine about it, they first have to admit it was them… not bleedin’ likely in my experience rowing the great river of denial, LOL Sorry to blog on your blog. But I know you won’t mind, lol 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You can blog on my blog anytime. Vent, release, roar … and I love this line of yours: “What do we need with space occupying tools posing as human beings?”

  24. Phil says:

    She told you she wouldn’t dignify YOUR comment? This woman, who was arrogant, condescending, narcissistic, humiliating, and pedantic now wants to act dignified? She wouldn’t know dignity if it landed right between her legs. Glad you gave her the B-slapping she deserved.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      There are some perfect moments in life and in a weird way, this was one of them.

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