Weight Loss Revelations

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I’ve had an ongoing battle with food

since I was old enough to chew. I love

to eat and portion control is Latin to

me. Before I turned 40 I could eat

anything and I continued to win the

battle. Lately, my losses“have gained,”

but I don’t want to lose the war.

My weight loss revelation came when I said this to myself ...

  

You know you need to lose weight when:

Your muffin top has become a soufflé that won’t deflate

Your fat pants have become your skinny pants

Jabba the Hutt looks like a size medium compared to you

Your undies disappear when you put them on

Your body shimmies when you’re walking

That cute tush dimple has curdled into cottage cheese

You look like an M&M in that lime green sweater

Your thighs start looking like buffalo hocks instead of ham hocks

Your hourglass figure has turned into an inflated sundial  

Your scale refuses to let you step on it

You indent footprints on concrete

The toilet creaks when you sit on it

********** 

Any thoughts?

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

46 Responses to Weight Loss Revelations

  1. Shonnie says:

    many many thoughts … but I am being nice to both of us rigth now. One must win this battle!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh no Shonnie … maybe some tough love is needed? I’ve given up on ice cream and chips and that is very very hard. I’ve been eating tofu, which I love because I haven’t had any red meat even though I love my rib-eye.

  2. Good luck Lafe! 🙂 It is hard to give up things we love. I have gave up sodas, but cheat every once in awhile with a diet soda 😦 Their just not as good, but gah I don’t need the calories 😛

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @ We’re Jumpin’

      Thanks for the support. Luckily I’m not a soda fan, but I’ll one once in a while like 4x a YEAR. I’ve been eating lots of tofu, which I love oh and lots of hummus yummy … It’s easier to get off meat than dairy or carbs though.

  3. Tori Nelson says:

    Chew can do ittttt!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Tori

      lol, sometimes I felt like I need to lock my jaws

      @Nina
      I think many women have these experiences at varying levels …

  4. Nina says:

    THe first line is SO true for almost all of us! =)
    And fat pants becoming skinny pants…happens every summer when my summer clothes come out.

  5. totsymae1011 says:

    I go up and down more than I care to think about. My extreme behavior can have me in a size 8 one minute and a 12 the next. I’m so sick of myself. I saw this one lady documenting her journey to weight loss online and she was making great progress. She had her up and down days, of course.

    I know what helps is eating breakfast and having the largest meal the early part of the day, and drinking protein shakes as a meal. When I do that, my weight’s consistent. I just have to learn to be.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks for the tip. I’m not very hungry in the morning, but I’m learning to eat breakfast. The funny thing is I’m not craving meat, but I’m dying for pasta, which I’m trying to cut back on. I’m 5’7″ and should be a size 10 and depending on the cut an 8, but my 10s are tight right now … I keep saying that I’m big boned … yeah right … denial needs to leave my mind.

  6. Cinnamon says:

    Oh hell yes. Where did you get my list? The cute dimple on my ass now looks like a bad case of hail damage. LOL

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Cinnamon

      ESP 🙂

  7. Whatcha gonna do but laugh? You sure made me laugh! 🙂 🙂

    But seriously (oh no, must I?), if you’re concerned about your weight because of looks, forgetaboutit! But if you’re concerned about your health, then that’s a real motivator. I read a book called UltraMetabolism (I can send you the link if you want–I’ll just have to do it via email) that is a about health, not dieting. I lost 40 pounds and they’ve stayed off for 5 years because I bought the science explained in this book and I am trying to be kind to my innerds so I feel as well as I can feel given my funky auto-immune system. It’s radical, though. I warn you, now. You have to be really commited to improving your health to eat this way for life…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      yeah email me the link … even if i can’t do it at least i’ll be more educated. I’m doing for vanity and health reasons. Vanity is the instant gratification part and health is just for life 🙂

  8. Annie says:

    I’m fighting the battle, my friend. But everything on me (small or not) is heading south. My “exquisite rare miniatures” (aka boobs) are hellbent on reaching the ground. I feel like I need to figure out a way to stand on my head for several hours a day just to slow the process.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Annie

      lol … gravity defiance = headstand…brilliant 🙂

  9. Brittany says:

    It’s never too late to make some changes!! Where there’s a will, there’s a way!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @brittany

      Thank you … but the will to eat ice cream is overpowering, but I haven’t succumbed yet, which is why I learned to make my own “lower fat version of ice cream.”

  10. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Moderation is the key, but sometimes easy said than done. 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I can’t do moderation … I’ve tried eating haagen dads coffee ice cream with a baby spoon thinking it would take me longer to finish it … i still cleaned the tub in 20 or less.

      • Annie says:

        I have to agree with you on this, Lafemmeroar. I aim for “nutritionally dense” – then I can eat like a hungry elephant and maintain a healthy weight. 🙂

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          You said it! Love nutritionally dense … just absolutely love it 🙂

  11. hollyjb says:

    I was such a skinny kid. Like skinny-skinny. Then again, I never ate because I had to eat health food stuff because of all my allergies and I hated it (especially soy milk and chocolate soy popsicles – YUCK >_<). Then around the age of 9 my Mom just gave up – I kept trading food with kids at school – so then I ate what I wanted which was all the stuff I could never have and is all fake and really bad for you. After puberty I started gaining a tone of weight and never stopped. I figure skated pretty heavily for a while, but once in high school I wasn't really doing any structured exercise and once university hit I really blew up! I've managed to lose some weight here (helps that I'm not working at a fast food place!), but this week has been tough for getting out on my morning walks and I can tell. Thankfully I've plateaued and don't gain back more than a couple of pounds here and there.

    I actually have always like my legs (from the knee down) and know more than ever b/c they're almost all muscle! Except for the inner thighs….now I just need to work on that gut, lol. Great post, although – even though I've never seen you – I just can't picture you and this list being the same person, lol.

    Of course you know you're not alone! We're all in this together. Here's to getting healthy with a side effect of weight loss!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Honey thanks for the compliment. There are days when I feel that I have indeed indented concrete. Are you still allergic to dairy? Oh I wish I were allergic to dairy … I’d be much thinner. I did learn to make choc ice cream with yogurt and I replaced the creme with evaporated milk. I should have taken a pic of it. It looked soooo luscious and get this I don’t even have an ice cream maker … I had to freeze the stuff and stir every 15 mins. It was a workout in itself …

      • hollyjb says:

        That ‘ice cream’ sounds awesome! My Mom once made organic vanilla (with milk/cream though) and it was the best thing ever. Man, that does sound like a workout! Most of my allergies are more irritants now. At least that’s what I say, lol. I actually haven’t been tested in years. I know that wheat/yeast (basically any type of bread or pasta or anything like that) make me bloat. Other than the bloating I don’t actually know if stuff bothers me. I think i’m just so used to it that I don’t notice a slightly sore stomach, lol. Another reason to get healthy, so I can actually tell when something’s not right!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Honey, bread and pasta will make ALL OF US bloat. lmao Oh and pasta makes me SUPER DUPER SLEEPY. I ate an eggplant, tofu and mushroom frittata for lunch. Oh man I can be a good cook sometimes when I’m not lazy. Another thing I’m staying away from is fast food. OMG those double quarter pounders with super-sized fries are awesome!!!!!!! I’ll miss those and for anyone who lives in Cali … my Tommy’s …. yeah you know what I’m talking’ about 🙂

          • hollyjb says:

            Hot drinks make me sleepy, that’s why I rarely drink coffee. Speaking of fries…here in Belgium there are friteries (fry wagons/shops) everywhere! Fries were invented by Belgian fishermen after all, lol. I love fries. I’m going to have to have a will-of-steel when I get back to Canada…going back to work for a fast food giant is not going to help my shaky resolve :S. I’m going to need to find another job asap!

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              Oh, I was addicted to MdD’s fries … still am. But I’ve been keeping a journal of my appetite. Notice how I didn’t say eating habits. I kept a journal of what triggered my ravenous appetite and the #1 culprit was McD’s fries. So sad that something so delis will be off limits for a while. I’m not saying that I’ll never eat meat again or McD’s but I’m not touching them for a while.

              • hollyjb says:

                McD’s fries *sigh*. Such a love/hate relationship there. I love to eat them, but my body hates to wear them, lol. An appetite journal sounds like a good idea. It’s an approach I haven’t thought of. My Mom encourages the food journal approach, but I can’t be bothered. Mostly I think it’s because I know I’m not going to like to see it all written down! I’ve only had tofu once, I’m not sure I could give up meat, but I do eat a lot more chicken then red meat….although we eat a lot of pork here…

                • Lafemmeroar says:

                  I once wrote down how much I ate in one day and the list was so long I got depressed. So I started the appetite journal. Plus, I get hungry late at night; so, instead of eating junk I eat hummus and zucchini omg it’s such a good combination I love it!

                  • hollyjb says:

                    I don’t mind hummus, but I’m not a fan of the zucchini/cucumber family. Remember in one of your posts (or comments) you said something like you wish you could be addicted to lettuce (I’m thinking something with the Farmville post?)? Well, the past few days I’ve been eating a lot of lettuce….no dressing or anything. Tonight we had endives, but I don’t like them so I just had a pile of lettuce instead. Sometimes I’ll get odd cravings for veggies or something healthy and I realize it’s not odd it’s my body telling me ‘smarten up! You fool, you need more of me in you!!!!’. I love broccoli and honestly, it’s one of the first things I want to eat when I get back to Canada. A. doesn’t like it so she doesn’t cook/buy it so I haven’t eaten fresh broccoli since I got here! Actually, right now I have a craving for a veggie platter….broccoli, carrots, and green peppers. Maybe it’s because I’ve just eaten about half a bar of dark chocolate. What a nice snack to go with our conversation!

                    • Lafemmeroar says:

                      This weight loss post sure is getting a lot of food convo … broccoli has lots of some kind of vitamins and when your body craves a particular food it’s your body telling you that you need the vitamins that particular food has (or so I’ve been told). I’m glad I like most veggies …and I’m not really a salad person. A bit of lemon in my salad is good for me.

  12. “Your fat pants have become your skinny pants”

    Classic 🙂 xx

  13. The Muffin top is the bane of my existance…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The existence of ice cream and chips is the bane of my existence. Who ever invented those goodies should have been put out to pasture along with the cows I’m no longer partaking in …

  14. Ruth D. says:

    “Your undies disappear when you put them on”
    Wow, that made me smile! It’s funny! I’m sure you can do it!!!! Go for it!!!!

    I recently decided to change my habits, eat healthier, go to the gym more often and things like that. Like I gain weight just from thinking about food, you know? It sucks… Since I don’t like diets and all that, I just decided to change my habits. So far so good! I have been using chopsticks for years now and it kind of slows me down, which is really, really good because I could eat a horse within 15 seconds. I’m super flippin’ fast. But now it takes me about 20 minutes to eat my meal, I enjoy it more and I eat less because of that! Yay!!!!!!!!!!

    But crap for brownies. Brownies are the bomb.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m with you Ruth in changing eating habits. Like last night I wanted to have something sweet and decadent, the problem with decadent is the regret … so I settled for fruit and it curbed my decadent needs so yay! You’re right though; it’s about a change in lifestyle.

  15. renxkyoko says:

    I don’t know if you’ve tried dried seaweeds… it’s a great substitute for potato chips… no kidding. And i use salad plate , instead of dinner plate. I’m working at a clothing store ( BCBG) and my manager has chosen me to model the clothes for clients, so I guess i am forced to maintain my size zero… ( don’t kill me… lol ! )

  16. I agree Ice cream and chips are ruthless tempters and , in my case sausages. still the scales keep my from going too wild

  17. sayali611 says:

    Why being so hard on yourself? You have had 40 yrs of a great body. Just a lil work out n it’ll all be great.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Not being hard … just being expressive 🙂 And my body is still great underneath it all … lol

  18. hawleywood40 says:

    I love the gym because it has reduced my souffle back to a muffin top, but I’m the first to admit I’d rather be spending that time sitting on my butt writing, even if that makes it expand. These helped me laugh about the whole thing – and laughter is what wins us the battle in the end so thanks : )!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @hawleywood

      Thanks for your comment. I do this blog to make people laugh at things we usually stress about. My life doesn’t go as smoothly as I plan most of the time, but I realize (after the fact) that my malfunctions are hilarious (to me) and I’m hoping that my readers see the humor in them as well. Here’s to your muffin top. If one is to have that extra flesh … muffin sure is a cute way to call em. And kudos to you for having the commitment to “gym it.” Till next time CC …

  19. todaysworkingwoman says:

    Well at least did sugar coat it! I’ve had issues my whole life. In fact I remember someone even calling me “bubble butt” or was it “Bertha Butt”. I don’t remember, but if he said it to me today, I would probably deck him. I know exactly how you feel though…In fact, as I write this I’m preparing to make a huge change in my in regards to health and weightloss and then tracking the progress on my blog. This could be dangerous, but I think it could be quite effective.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @todaysworkingwoman

      I’m tracking what triggers my appetite and not what I eat because that would take up too much paper space. I’ve been staying away from red meat, chicken and etc. Good luck on your journey. BTW, CC Shonnie has a Butt Kickers Club on her site you might want to check out 🙂

  20. amor24 says:

    LOL!! Why the hell does life’s delicacies have to be so damn unhealthy! Oh well, until that changes I’ll continue to WIN 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Life is cruel … but good stuff such as tofu and hummus are delis 🙂

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