Why Keeping Your Mouth Shut is the Best Revenge
September 22, 2011 57 Comments
While at the bulk nuts section of my favorite specialty grocery store, I was scooping unsalted pepitas in a plastic bag when I heard three consecutive hey yous. I turned around and the guy behind me said your purse is open and your wallet is about to fall. I looked at my bag and realized he was right. What a nice man I thought. So I quickly closed my purse and thanked him. He responded with a whatever, shook his head and walked away. So, I continued my shopping thankful of the averted pecuniary disaster and headed to the dried fruit section.
The universe synched my fate with this guy once more when we simultaneously reached for the same dried cranberries scooper. I said excuse me and let him go first. He looked at me, rolled his eyes and took the scooper. The rule is ladies first, but I was being a gentlewoman about it. I mean show some grace when someone is being über polite, but I let it go (because of what he did earlier) and waited. But he dilly dallied. Then he turned around and said are you just going to stand there? And I thought well hell yes of course I was until he got his slow as molasses ass out-of-the-way so I can get my turn at the petrified fruit. How rude I thought, but I remembered his good samaritanship and decided to keep my mouth shut … again.
I couldn’t figure him out. Was he nice? Was he a jerk? He had one of those oxymoron personalities. Maybe he was a nice-ass. I don’t know … I was sort of confused, but I saw “clearly” that his fly was open and Mr. Nice-Ass’s schlong was peeking out of his khakis. I sort of just stood there and looked at his limp schlong looking kind of grayish and gross–I don’t know why, but I couldn’t help myself. Then he turned around and thank goodness for quick reflexes as I pretended to scoop spelt flour in a bag and from the corner of my eye I saw him shaking his head … again.
I don’t know what I did to irritate him, but I sure didn’t want to get on his bad side by telling him about his gross anatomy. So I kept my mouth shut and left him and his schlong to roam the freezer section. Here’s hoping some nice chick tells him ’cause it wasn’t going to be this crazy chick.
And how was your day?
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