How to Make a Human Burrito
October 7, 2011 32 Comments
1 former BFF (preferably one who betrayed you and/or messed around with your ex)
2 scotch bonnet peppers (one of the hottest on earth)
1 real strong and thick rope
1 bottle of wine (the cheaper the better)
1 neuromuscular blocking drug (date rape or those things they call a mickey–not the mouse)
1 king sized flat sheet
Invite your former BFF for drinks and tell her you want to bury the “hatchet.”
When she arrives offer her a drink.
Dump the pill in her glass and stir with your dirty middle finger. Make sure she doesn’t see you do this.
Make sure she drinks the whole thing and offer her another for good measure.
Wait about five minutes. You’ll know that the pill has taken effect when she has that duh look in her eyes and her whole body is paralyzed. Don’t worry she’ll still be conscious as it’s best to keep the ingredient “aware” for the next step.
Slice the scotch bonnets in half.
You may rant during this process as the
victim ingredient will be fully conscious and you might as well tell her what you really think. After all, her pie hole is paralyzed so she won’t be able to talk back.
Marinate her eyes by rubbing them with the peppers.
Wrap her in the sheet making sure to tuck the ends under as you roll. Then tie her up like you would a stuffed pork tenderloin.
Once you’ve got her nice and bundled up put her in the trunk of your car.
Drive to the nearest steel mill (make sure this step is done in the middle of the night) and dump the
body burrito in a big vat of liquid steel.
Then high tail it outta there and hope that no one saw you.
Disclaimer: The above recipe is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity of the first ingredient to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “execution” of this recipe.
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© 2011 Lafemmeroar