How to Make a Human Burrito

Wikimedia Commons


1 former BFF (preferably one who betrayed you and/or messed around with your ex)

Wikimedia Commons

2 scotch bonnet peppers (one of the hottest on earth)

1 real strong and thick rope

1 bottle of wine (the cheaper the better)

1 neuromuscular blocking drug (date rape or those things they call a mickey–not the mouse)

1 king sized flat sheet


Invite your former BFF for drinks and tell her you want to bury the “hatchet.”

When she arrives offer her a drink.

Dump the pill in her glass and stir with your dirty middle finger. Make sure she doesn’t see you do this.

Make sure she drinks the whole thing and offer her another for good measure.

Wait about five minutes. You’ll know that the pill has taken effect when she has that duh look in her eyes and her whole body is paralyzed. Don’t worry she’ll still be conscious as it’s best to keep the ingredient “aware” for the next step.

Slice the scotch bonnets in half.

You may rant during this process as the victim ingredient will be fully conscious and you might as well tell her what you really think. After all, her pie hole is paralyzed so she won’t be able to talk back.

Marinate her eyes by rubbing them with the peppers.

Wrap her in the sheet making sure to tuck the ends under as you roll. Then tie her up like you would a stuffed pork tenderloin.

Once you’ve got her nice and bundled up put her in the trunk of your car.

Drive to the nearest steel mill (make sure this step is done in the middle of the night) and dump the body burrito in a big vat of liquid steel.

Then high tail it outta there and hope that no one saw you.


Disclaimer: The above recipe is for entertainment purposes only.  Any similarity of the first ingredient to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “execution” of this recipe.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

32 Responses to How to Make a Human Burrito

  1. veehcirra says:

    Ouch Ouch!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yup 🙂

  2. hollyjb says:

    Oh man – this makes me think of Criminal Minds :S, lol. I hope there are no psychopaths reading your blog! All in all, this was very creative. I hope I never dislike someone so much that I consider doing this or something like it…..:P

    • Lafemmeroar says:


      I have a special program that blocks out loons’ IP Addresses.

      • hollyjb says:

        Oh good, we’re safe then :D.

  3. Yes. This is a recipe which might land me in trouble

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s why it’s a secret recipe. Oops did I forget to mention that in the post?

  4. zemeraime says:

    Recipe also sounds yummy to pull on a ex husband!
    Hey i can dream can’t I?!! lol

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m still trying to perfect the ex husband recipe. You’ll know when I have 🙂

  5. amor24 says:

    LMAO @ ur disclaimer 😀

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I need that disclaimer for my own self protection 🙂

  6. supernaut says:

    Nice “execution”

  7. dapeach says:

    I do hope that no real nut case is reading your blog and you have just given them an idea or that your old BFF is reading it and turns the tables on you. I mean that is really scary. Have you ever thought about going into crimal profiling?? You may have a real talent there, I have heard that you have to almost become the suspect, mentally. I will NOT need a reminder….to not piss you off. LOL Where are you when you do your best thinking, just curious? All I can say is wow and wow. One crazy chick…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s why I posted the disclaimer. What I posted isn’t anything different than what is written in crime thrillers etc. And notice how I tagged it “fiction” and “hypothetical.” I don’t need to think much about posts. These are ideas running inside my noodle on a daily basis, which is why I will never take mind altering drugs.

      On another note, I am writing a book and the killing that goes on there ain’t pretty either, but the book is meant to be humorous as well. Yeah and I am a crazy chick whose warped noodle marches to the beat of a demented drummer 🙂

      • dapeach says:

        Do let me know when the book comes out??? I do like all that crime stuff, was just worried about you with so many demented people out there. Keep em comin’ 🙂 You are right you don’t need drugs for that noodle of yours you are doing just fine.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          My readers will be the first to know when the book comes out 🙂 Thank you for being interested in my dementedness 🙂

  8. Aurora says:

    Well, well, well. And all written just for me??? That is one unique recipe, woman. You must really love ME or hate somebody else, ask me no questions…LOL LOL Your mind is as Mulder of the X Files said of the truth, “out there.” Love every little bit of it. LOL Does that make me a psycho criminal mind, too, or just a writer with a vivid imagination hmmmm Even so, I don’t think I can keep up with you at all in any way. Look at you go! You’ve got the world wary that psychos will read and apply your ideas. Now, what’s that phrase, any PR is good PR. You Rock. I thank you. Big Much (as a child I once daycared said)
    Janice (Aurora)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Crazy chicks are all a little psycho in the best way of course. My mind is as complex and convoluted as the most twisted of noodles.

  9. alanschuyler says:

    I’m sensing some issues, but then I’m a sensitive guy….

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol. I have issues, but not about bff and exes. I don’t want to turn them into burritos of any kind. I’m more into Italian like say a calzone?

  10. duncanr says:

    pays to stay on your right side then ? 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:


      Oh I’m not that criminally minded … only in theory 🙂

  11. kdaddy23 says:

    Remind me to never, ever, piss you off…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh c’mon I would never turn you into a human burrito. I don’t eat red meat anymore 🙂

  12. PD Williams says:

    I, too, LOVE this recipe! I’m eagerly looking forward to the ex-husband variation. Perhaps sub a vat of hot oil for the liquid steel — the Ex-Husband Chimichanga? Where’s my margarita …

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao … your mind is just as whacked as mine 🙂

  13. BrainRants says:

    The way you think is kinda hot…

    Oh, suggestion for husband recipe version is to add the habaneros to the testes following the eye marinade. I have accidental and unfortunate experience with this.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao, you rubbed your balls with habaneros? Are you sure it was an accident? (wink) You masochist …

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  16. Adam S says:

    Man, you’re one sick little shit!! hahaha

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m sick, but not little 🙂

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