How to Make a Human Burrito
October 7, 2011 32 Comments
Wikimedia Commons
Ingredients:
1 former BFF (preferably one who betrayed you and/or messed around with your ex)
Wikimedia Commons
2 scotch bonnet peppers (one of the hottest on earth)
1 real strong and thick rope
1 bottle of wine (the cheaper the better)
1 neuromuscular blocking drug (date rape or those things they call a mickey–not the mouse)
1 king sized flat sheet
Instructions:
Invite your former BFF for drinks and tell her you want to bury the “hatchet.”
When she arrives offer her a drink.
Dump the pill in her glass and stir with your dirty middle finger. Make sure she doesn’t see you do this.
Make sure she drinks the whole thing and offer her another for good measure.
Wait about five minutes. You’ll know that the pill has taken effect when she has that duh look in her eyes and her whole body is paralyzed. Don’t worry she’ll still be conscious as it’s best to keep the ingredient “aware” for the next step.
Slice the scotch bonnets in half.
You may rant during this process as the victim ingredient will be fully conscious and you might as well tell her what you really think. After all, her pie hole is paralyzed so she won’t be able to talk back.
Marinate her eyes by rubbing them with the peppers.
Wrap her in the sheet making sure to tuck the ends under as you roll. Then tie her up like you would a stuffed pork tenderloin.
Once you’ve got her nice and bundled up put her in the trunk of your car.
Drive to the nearest steel mill (make sure this step is done in the middle of the night) and dump the body burrito in a big vat of liquid steel.
Then high tail it outta there and hope that no one saw you.
Enjoy
Disclaimer: The above recipe is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity of the first ingredient to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “execution” of this recipe.
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© 2011 Lafemmeroar
About Lafemmeroar
Lafemmeroar 
Ouch Ouch!
Yup 🙂
Oh man – this makes me think of Criminal Minds :S, lol. I hope there are no psychopaths reading your blog! All in all, this was very creative. I hope I never dislike someone so much that I consider doing this or something like it…..:P
@Holly
I have a special program that blocks out loons’ IP Addresses.
Oh good, we’re safe then :D.
Yes. This is a recipe which might land me in trouble
That’s why it’s a secret recipe. Oops did I forget to mention that in the post?
Recipe also sounds yummy to pull on a ex husband!
Hey i can dream can’t I?!! lol
@zmeraime
I’m still trying to perfect the ex husband recipe. You’ll know when I have 🙂
LMAO @ ur disclaimer 😀
I need that disclaimer for my own self protection 🙂
Nice “execution”
I do hope that no real nut case is reading your blog and you have just given them an idea or that your old BFF is reading it and turns the tables on you. I mean that is really scary. Have you ever thought about going into crimal profiling?? You may have a real talent there, I have heard that you have to almost become the suspect, mentally. I will NOT need a reminder….to not piss you off. LOL Where are you when you do your best thinking, just curious? All I can say is wow and wow. One crazy chick…
That’s why I posted the disclaimer. What I posted isn’t anything different than what is written in crime thrillers etc. And notice how I tagged it “fiction” and “hypothetical.” I don’t need to think much about posts. These are ideas running inside my noodle on a daily basis, which is why I will never take mind altering drugs.
On another note, I am writing a book and the killing that goes on there ain’t pretty either, but the book is meant to be humorous as well. Yeah and I am a crazy chick whose warped noodle marches to the beat of a demented drummer 🙂
Do let me know when the book comes out??? I do like all that crime stuff, was just worried about you with so many demented people out there. Keep em comin’ 🙂 You are right you don’t need drugs for that noodle of yours you are doing just fine.
My readers will be the first to know when the book comes out 🙂 Thank you for being interested in my dementedness 🙂
Well, well, well. And all written just for me??? That is one unique recipe, woman. You must really love ME or hate somebody else, ask me no questions…LOL LOL Your mind is as Mulder of the X Files said of the truth, “out there.” Love every little bit of it. LOL Does that make me a psycho criminal mind, too, or just a writer with a vivid imagination hmmmm Even so, I don’t think I can keep up with you at all in any way. Look at you go! You’ve got the world wary that psychos will read and apply your ideas. Now, what’s that phrase, any PR is good PR. You Rock. I thank you. Big Much (as a child I once daycared said)
Yours,
Janice (Aurora)
Crazy chicks are all a little psycho in the best way of course. My mind is as complex and convoluted as the most twisted of noodles.
I’m sensing some issues, but then I’m a sensitive guy….
lol. I have issues, but not about bff and exes. I don’t want to turn them into burritos of any kind. I’m more into Italian like say a calzone?
pays to stay on your right side then ? 😉
@duncanr
Oh I’m not that criminally minded … only in theory 🙂
Remind me to never, ever, piss you off…
Oh c’mon I would never turn you into a human burrito. I don’t eat red meat anymore 🙂
I, too, LOVE this recipe! I’m eagerly looking forward to the ex-husband variation. Perhaps sub a vat of hot oil for the liquid steel — the Ex-Husband Chimichanga? Where’s my margarita …
lmao … your mind is just as whacked as mine 🙂
The way you think is kinda hot…
Oh, suggestion for husband recipe version is to add the habaneros to the testes following the eye marinade. I have accidental and unfortunate experience with this.
lmao, you rubbed your balls with habaneros? Are you sure it was an accident? (wink) You masochist …
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Man, you’re one sick little shit!! hahaha
I’m sick, but not little 🙂