Itchy Private Parts

Lafemmeroar here with another bit of news from an alternate universe:

Itchy Private Parts.

Wikimedia Commons--TechCrunch50-2008

Ashton Kutcher addressed the temporary insanity that overcame his noggin during his involvement with big mouth tartlet Sara Leal. “I had an itch that needed scratching and now I’m sorry to say that the itch continues because the antibiotics aren’t working. That woman is a walking bacteria that infected my marriage. I plan to seek treatment and will be checking into the “Tail Between My Legs Center for Wayward Schlongs,” says the remorseful “Two and a Half Men” star. The alleged cause of the itch Sara Leal was unavailable for comment but sources confirm that she was seen entering a free clinic on Hollywood Blvd while avidly scratching her twatty parts.

Ashton’s estranged wife Demi Moore is keeping things on the down low, but insiders say that she’s put Kabbalah on the back burner and has turned to Wiccanism. Moore recently met with some femini-wiccans to concoct a poetic justice spell on Sara. The femini-wiccans were more than glad to aid Demi in her plight for justice. Let’s just say that the “twat fatale’s” itching won’t stop anytime soon. In fact “Sara will be playing guitar hero with her private parts to the tune of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” for a very long time.

In a recent interview with “Star” the “twat fatale” couldn’t sit still. “She kept on squirming in her seat,” Juicy Gossiper of the “Star” states.  Moore’s femini-wiccans aren’t stopping there. Another source confirms that Ms. Leal’s proclivity to “twat and tell” has femini-wiccans conjuring up another spell–this time to shut the pie hole that just won’t stop yapping for that millisecond of tabloid fame. Calls to Ms. Leal have gone unanswered. It’s rumored that her tongue is now the size of an eggplant, which his apt as now the “twat fatale” truly won’t be able to shut her mouth.

Source: Cougars Get Even Magazine

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and is based on the meanderings of a Crazy Chick’s noodle. (References to scratching of private parts or swollen body parts are pure fantasy, but wouldn’t it be great if it were true.) Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely satirical, but hey that’s why public figures make the big bucks so poor bloggers can make fun of them. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “belief” that the above post is based on truth. 

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

43 Responses to Itchy Private Parts

  1. scrambled7 says:


  2. In fact “Sara will be playing guitar hero with her private parts to the tune of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” for a very long time.


    You could have a parallel career as a tabloid reporter

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The part that worries me is how easily these posts get written. Is my true calling that which I have been making fun of all these years?

  3. Ashton and Demi….we all knew it wouldn’t last

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Let’s see how the drama unfolds. I need to follow them on Twitter. 🙂 Since they cancelled so many soaps here in the U.S. Twitter is the next best thing to sensational drama.

  4. veehcirra says:

    I wish it were true though hee hee

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Me too, then I wouldn’t need the disclaimer 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Also, can u imagine that chick actually having a tongue as big and purple as an eggplant? Scorned women all over the world will be cheering.

  5. duncanr says:

    your disclaimers are funnier than a lot of blogs I’ve read 😆

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      he he he Thanks duncanr I need the disclaimer to protect myself 🙂 My noodle tends to get me in trouble.

  6. Hilarious!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Cameo. I try 🙂

  7. SilentMyth says:

    LOL.. how do you come up with these.. so cool

    • Lafemmeroar says:


      My noodle is full of em. I love writing “faux news.” 🙂

  8. hollyjb says:


  9. Well I hope you don’t conclude that I am a “sleep around” (at my age all you do is the sleep part), but I have a chronic itch for chocolate. What can I do ?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      A chocolate itch is too common for it to be bad 🙂

      • jezibelle says:

        I WANT to say I’ll scratch your chocolate itch if you scratch mine… but I’m not sure I know you well enough! lol! You guys are too funny.

  10. jezibelle says:

    It’s the Charlie Sheen/Two and a Half Men Effect… Whoever plays that part turns into a dickhead.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Do you have any speculation as to who the next man would be?

      • jezibelle says:

        I’m hoping it’s Gerard Butler… It would so up the ratings… and up my heartbeat… and up my skirt…

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          You know I can totally see him in the role 🙂 Did you ever see him play dracula?

  11. Kim says:

    Ashton should marry me.

  12. Bodhirose says:

    If there were really centers for wayward schlongs they would be bursting at the seams! It’s an epidemic and I’m afraid there’s no cure!

    I love your noodle! xoxo

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      These centers would be all over the place like McDonald’s

      • Bodhirose says:

        True dat…

  13. I can’t add anything more to what’s already been said. I read. I laughed. I commented! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Good enough for me Lorna 🙂

  14. LOL, you are very funny AND clever! I would totally read a magazine full of your comedic imaginings! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh I like “comedic imaginings.” I do plan to do more of these posts. I love doing them. 🙂

  15. Hahahahha….too funny 🙂

  16. sami116 says:

    This is entirely the reason I’d hate to be famous 😛

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s why they make the big bucks 🙂 I sure am glad I’m a nobody lololol

  17. QTMama says:

    I was reading this for a second going HE CHECKED IN WHERE?! LOL I have to come here more often!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You are always welcome and thanks for commenting 🙂

  18. hawleywood40 says:

    You could definitely make it as a tabloid reporter – one of the few both hilariously funny and worth reading : )!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      They do say that an individual will have 4 career changes in a lifetime … 🙂

  19. HAHAHAHA! I love it! So has he actually admitted to it?? I stupidly bought 3 celebrity gossip magazines to read on my trip last weekend (not realizing they’d all be the same thing) so I am WAY familiar with that story now!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I think public opinion has done the admission for him 😛

  20. Phil says:

    OK, so I decided to peek in and see who this Lafemmeroar woman is that is poking around in my blog, and I figured I should click on this article…

    I laughed so hard, the folks in my office ran in, figuring I’ve finally lost my head and gone plumb crazy on them. I’m still laughing, though I think they’ve called 911 and are going to have me taken away in a straight jacket. Those damn finance people just don’t have a sense of humor.

    Next stop is the “follow” button. Funny stuff you have here. I sure hope they have Internet in the psych ward.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      ” I sure hope they have Internet in the psych ward.” has got to be the best line I’ve read about me in a long time … how did you know? That’s why I’m anonymous! I pretend that my noodle is on the mend so my wardens let me cruise WP. 🙂

  21. bluebee says:

    A perfectly lowly replacement for Charlie Sheen, it would seem

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I haven’t seen the new episodes yet. But his real life sure seems more interesting than the series 🙂

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